It is our faulty beliefs that cause our bad habits, poor choices, and self-destructive behaviors. When we make choices based on our faulty beliefs, it is almost impossible to make a good decision. Attempts at recovery that are based on controlling are addictive behaviors are flawed, because it is the mindset that needs our attention. How can someone become comfortable being clean & sober, if they a forced to live in a world that does not conform to their faulty beliefs?
I’ve tried to push this idea of a faulty belief system for a while, but usually find myself under attack. Addicts, Alcoholics, and most Recovery Groups created by them - would much rather focus on the habit (drugs, drinking, ect), than attacking the real problem. 12 Step programs do dig into self-awareness/changing beliefs somewhat (in step 4 for example one can have an opportunity to look at their past thinking), but don’t center their programs around it.
One of my favorite examples of the power of a belief system is the ‘Elephant Story‘ - “As my friend was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a rope tied to their legs. It was obvious that the elephants could, at anytime, break away from their ropes they were tied to, but for some reason they did not. My friend saw a trainer nearby and asked why these beautiful, magnificent animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away.
“Well’, he said, “When they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and at that age, its enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away, They believe that the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.” My friend was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds, but because they believed they couldn’t, they were stuck right where they were. The powerful and gigantic creatures have limited their present abilities by embracing a false truth - created by a belief formed in its past, but no longer valid.”
We can’t focus our recovery on the ‘Rope’, but on our faulty belief system that gives the ‘Rope’ power over us.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Changes to this site in progress
I'm doing a total revamp of how this site will look and function. None of the previously existing posts will be effected - so feel free to continue reading them and adding comments.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
What's Been Going On
I haven't been posting here as much as I would like. I run a recovery group on facebook called EVERYBODY NEEDS RECOVERY and have been giving that most of my attention. I have been getting e-mails from people saying that they try to avoid using facebook and wish I would do more here. I have also entered this site into 'StumbleUpon' and this should bring many more readers.
Give me a few days and I'll move some of the facebook posts over here and then keep this site as an 'up to date' mirror of that site.
Just to keep it interesting - I'm gonna post some 'exclusive' things here to try to bring people over from facebook and turn this into the lead site. Stay tuned!!!!
Give me a few days and I'll move some of the facebook posts over here and then keep this site as an 'up to date' mirror of that site.
Just to keep it interesting - I'm gonna post some 'exclusive' things here to try to bring people over from facebook and turn this into the lead site. Stay tuned!!!!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
SOLITUDE
I've never had a problem spending time alone. If anything, I seek solitude more than I should - my life should be balanced better in this regard. I enjoy my personal times for many reasons. I like to read, do a lot of writing, meditate, reflect over my life in positive ways, write/perform/record music, paint/take photos, continue to educate myself in many fields, ect. I can not imagine my life without a certain amount of time put aside for solitude every week.
What I have a problem understanding is that there are so many people that I know that are very uncomfortable being by themselves. I believe however that this is because, in the last few years, I been exposed to a large number of people who are trying to recover from drinking and drug addiction (my census poll of people is probably tainted).
The last 3 years in particular, have been spent living/working in recovery half-way houses. Many people living here can barely stand more than a few seconds without the comfort of constant distraction. Most need to fall asleep with a TV, or radio on. Some wake up and before their feet hit the ground, have to put on their headphones for their mp3 player.
I remember when I was staying in rehab centers and things like Walkmans were discouraged, because they were considered ‘Isolation Tools’. For a long time I assumed they meant isolation from others, but one morning I remember watching this guy brushing his teeth a 6AM with music blasting in his headphones and it dawned on me that they were worried about isolation from one’s self.
I don’t know why its so hard for many, except to think that they have not reached, or actively avoid, what it takes to make peace with oneself and the world. Most recovery programs offer knowledge and suggestions for action that can make life in recovery a lot easier to live. Unfortunately it is a difficult path to affect change. It is not only a matter of knowledge - much more important is personal action and the experiences that follow.
My past is filled with many poor choices and regrets. If I let myself be consumed with things like regret, anger, fear, guilt, hopelessness, low self-esteem, and melancholy - I’d probably avoid solitude also. Hell, I’d avoid staying clean and sober!
I am very grateful for where my attitude about life has led me to today. My times of solitude have become one of the biggest blessings that I cherish.
What I have a problem understanding is that there are so many people that I know that are very uncomfortable being by themselves. I believe however that this is because, in the last few years, I been exposed to a large number of people who are trying to recover from drinking and drug addiction (my census poll of people is probably tainted).
The last 3 years in particular, have been spent living/working in recovery half-way houses. Many people living here can barely stand more than a few seconds without the comfort of constant distraction. Most need to fall asleep with a TV, or radio on. Some wake up and before their feet hit the ground, have to put on their headphones for their mp3 player.
I remember when I was staying in rehab centers and things like Walkmans were discouraged, because they were considered ‘Isolation Tools’. For a long time I assumed they meant isolation from others, but one morning I remember watching this guy brushing his teeth a 6AM with music blasting in his headphones and it dawned on me that they were worried about isolation from one’s self.
I don’t know why its so hard for many, except to think that they have not reached, or actively avoid, what it takes to make peace with oneself and the world. Most recovery programs offer knowledge and suggestions for action that can make life in recovery a lot easier to live. Unfortunately it is a difficult path to affect change. It is not only a matter of knowledge - much more important is personal action and the experiences that follow.
My past is filled with many poor choices and regrets. If I let myself be consumed with things like regret, anger, fear, guilt, hopelessness, low self-esteem, and melancholy - I’d probably avoid solitude also. Hell, I’d avoid staying clean and sober!
I am very grateful for where my attitude about life has led me to today. My times of solitude have become one of the biggest blessings that I cherish.
Monday, August 23, 2010
What's worse
What's worse than building a tolerance to drugs and alcohol is building an intolerance to being clean and sober.
Monday, June 21, 2010
MOVING PAST
It seems that some people try to move past things (to remove something from their lives that they used to be obsessed with) by learning to hate it. I feel that this is a cheap fix and a terrible mistake. To move past something, one must learn to become unattached to it. To hate something that you used to like does not sever this attachment - it is simply a different manifestation of an ongoing problem. If attachment is like a hinge, then all that has been done is that it has been swung into a different direction, but not detached.
The easiest example is a romantic relationship in which the couple modulate back and forth between love and hate for each other. Even when they are in the stage where they hate one another - their lives are still connected with an attachment. Instead of obsessing about their love, they obsess about their hate. In these type of situations, the hate is more likely to swing back to love - for the two of them are not moving on. Even if they try a new relationship with someone else - it is compared to, or done in spite over the last one (to cause jealousy or to rub in the others face).
I see it often in recovery rooms - the ones that stand up a rage aloud over how much the hate alcohol and drugs now are MORE likely to relapse. They have not moved on, they are still attached. They are still obsessed with their addiction - it has just now swung towards hate.
For others the remaining attachment may not be based on hate, but on overpowering fear.
In early recovery I can understand how this may be one of the only effective tools that one is able to use for a time (and should be used - staying abstinent is a must). But as time goes on and one has a better sense of what true recovery really is about (developed better self-awareness, methods, tools, ect) - this cheap fix then MUST be shed. To maintain its use can only hold one back from truly moving on, past what used to destroy you.
This does not mean that one should not have a healthy aversion (not wanting to go back to), or fear/respect for what one is moving past. But, it should not be a crippling, obsessive, dominating force that continues to haunt one and limit’s the ability to find the true freedom of a new life. To break attachments diminishes continued suffering and leads to more serenity.
The easiest example is a romantic relationship in which the couple modulate back and forth between love and hate for each other. Even when they are in the stage where they hate one another - their lives are still connected with an attachment. Instead of obsessing about their love, they obsess about their hate. In these type of situations, the hate is more likely to swing back to love - for the two of them are not moving on. Even if they try a new relationship with someone else - it is compared to, or done in spite over the last one (to cause jealousy or to rub in the others face).
I see it often in recovery rooms - the ones that stand up a rage aloud over how much the hate alcohol and drugs now are MORE likely to relapse. They have not moved on, they are still attached. They are still obsessed with their addiction - it has just now swung towards hate.
For others the remaining attachment may not be based on hate, but on overpowering fear.
In early recovery I can understand how this may be one of the only effective tools that one is able to use for a time (and should be used - staying abstinent is a must). But as time goes on and one has a better sense of what true recovery really is about (developed better self-awareness, methods, tools, ect) - this cheap fix then MUST be shed. To maintain its use can only hold one back from truly moving on, past what used to destroy you.
This does not mean that one should not have a healthy aversion (not wanting to go back to), or fear/respect for what one is moving past. But, it should not be a crippling, obsessive, dominating force that continues to haunt one and limit’s the ability to find the true freedom of a new life. To break attachments diminishes continued suffering and leads to more serenity.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The powerlessness debate continues
(letter to me by a person who disagrees with statements I‘ve made on powerlessness.)
“I am not powerless except if I choose to take that first drink. As long as
I don't drink, no matter what, I have the power. But if I choose to take
that first drink, I am without any power. Experience has taught me when I
drink I become powerless.
I cannot drink ever again. Guess how I do that?
One day at a time.
Xxxxxxxx”
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
(my response)
You bring up a few statements. Let me give you my take on them -
1. As long as I don't drink, no matter what, I have the power.
2. If I choose to take that first drink, I am without any power.
3. I cannot drink ever again. Guess how I do that? One day at a time.
1 & 2 are connected, so let’s look at them first. It seems that your saying that if your sober, you have the power not to drink. If you do drink, then your alcoholism kicks in and you are powerless to prevent drinking more.
Well I got some good news for you! I can agree with you on point 2 - once you have that first drink you are powerless.
Point 1 I have to disagree. You seem to be saying that if you are sober, you have the power to not drink again. I guess that can be true if you are the most unique alcoholic in the world - one who is actually completely cured as long as you don’t have that first drink. I wish it was true for the rest of us. If all we had to do is just get in enough time to sober up, we would suddenly get the power not drink ever again on our pristine self-will alone. There would be no more relapses!
I’m sure would say next that “yes every alcoholic has the power once they are sober, they just choose not to use it. Any sober alcoholic can only relapse by choosing not to use the power that they have acquired in their sober time.”
Well its amazing to me how many alcoholics who get sober time CHOOSE NOT TO USE THE POWER THAT THEY NOW HAVE TO STOP.
I guess my problem with point 1 is freedom of choice. Your saying that when sober, you have the power to decide if you will drink or not. I’m saying that, even sober many of our choices are not made in complete freedom. Many of the character defects are still there, they affect choices even when sober. Perspectives are distorted. Some people may have emotional problems and act impulsively (without thinking). Some might be insecure and get pressured by old drinking buddies. Some people might have long-term brain chemistry imbalances from years of drinking.
ALL OF THESE THINGS CAN ROB US OF BEING ABLE TO FREELY CHOOSING NOT TO DRINK. Where is this power if simply the ability to chose is not enough? Like many programs state - willpower is not enough. I wish that all the power I needed to not drink was just to be sober.
As for one day at a time - it is a good short-term goal that can be repeated every day. Its easier than saying “I will never drink again!”. My problem is that people carry the idea too far and avoid long-term life-changing goals. Every day they wake up with the same problems that they had the day before and just “white knuckle it” another 24 hours. And make meetings, and meetings, and meetings, and meetings, ect……………….
“I am not powerless except if I choose to take that first drink. As long as
I don't drink, no matter what, I have the power. But if I choose to take
that first drink, I am without any power. Experience has taught me when I
drink I become powerless.
I cannot drink ever again. Guess how I do that?
One day at a time.
Xxxxxxxx”
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
(my response)
You bring up a few statements. Let me give you my take on them -
1. As long as I don't drink, no matter what, I have the power.
2. If I choose to take that first drink, I am without any power.
3. I cannot drink ever again. Guess how I do that? One day at a time.
1 & 2 are connected, so let’s look at them first. It seems that your saying that if your sober, you have the power not to drink. If you do drink, then your alcoholism kicks in and you are powerless to prevent drinking more.
Well I got some good news for you! I can agree with you on point 2 - once you have that first drink you are powerless.
Point 1 I have to disagree. You seem to be saying that if you are sober, you have the power to not drink again. I guess that can be true if you are the most unique alcoholic in the world - one who is actually completely cured as long as you don’t have that first drink. I wish it was true for the rest of us. If all we had to do is just get in enough time to sober up, we would suddenly get the power not drink ever again on our pristine self-will alone. There would be no more relapses!
I’m sure would say next that “yes every alcoholic has the power once they are sober, they just choose not to use it. Any sober alcoholic can only relapse by choosing not to use the power that they have acquired in their sober time.”
Well its amazing to me how many alcoholics who get sober time CHOOSE NOT TO USE THE POWER THAT THEY NOW HAVE TO STOP.
I guess my problem with point 1 is freedom of choice. Your saying that when sober, you have the power to decide if you will drink or not. I’m saying that, even sober many of our choices are not made in complete freedom. Many of the character defects are still there, they affect choices even when sober. Perspectives are distorted. Some people may have emotional problems and act impulsively (without thinking). Some might be insecure and get pressured by old drinking buddies. Some people might have long-term brain chemistry imbalances from years of drinking.
ALL OF THESE THINGS CAN ROB US OF BEING ABLE TO FREELY CHOOSING NOT TO DRINK. Where is this power if simply the ability to chose is not enough? Like many programs state - willpower is not enough. I wish that all the power I needed to not drink was just to be sober.
As for one day at a time - it is a good short-term goal that can be repeated every day. Its easier than saying “I will never drink again!”. My problem is that people carry the idea too far and avoid long-term life-changing goals. Every day they wake up with the same problems that they had the day before and just “white knuckle it” another 24 hours. And make meetings, and meetings, and meetings, and meetings, ect……………….
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