ROADBLOCKS TO CHANGE part 2 excuses

I got one nugget of advice that I know from experience has helped me solve a lot of problems that I had found myself trapped in. Before I tried to do this, I was stuck in bad places for long periods of time. Its kind of like a cure-all out of many self-imposed problems. -

I was often trapped in problems by my own excuses. Because important options are eliminated, there becomes NO workable solution. Amazingly, many of the excuses were part of the building blocks that formed, and maintained the actual problem in the first place (though I didn’t see it at the time). Ideas like “can’t” need to be looked at with suspect..
What did I mean by can’t? Did I mean that it was actually impossible, or just that I didn’t feel as though I was able or willing enough to do it.
I made a list to re-examine my list of excuses. First thing I did was eliminate what was truly 100% impossible (going back in time, changing other people, overcoming real concrete physical limitations, ect. ect.). Surprisingly, that didn’t get rid of that many. Most of the excuses left were determined by my perceived conceptions of my abilities and willingness. Abilities can almost always be improved, it usually just take willingness (determination) to do it. So, all of the focus is now on willingness. Why was I not willing to try this solution?

Its too emotionally stressful to attempt.
Its too expensive.
I’m not determined enough.
I don’t want to go through with what I must to do it.
I’m probably not physically able.
There is no workable compromise.

Sometimes my problem developed into a full-blown crisis, like crippling drug addiction. It took a long time to reach the intense level of desperation that it took, but eventually I was forced to re-define what I was willing to do. Great movers in history show example to the potential of willingness, especially willingness created out of desperation. Once forced to test my willingness. I discovered I had the willingness needed. [see my previous post READY TO CHANGE] Its just a shame that I waited so long, and that things had to get so bad. And I was lucky, all moments of desperation do not lead to happy endings. Suicide was certainly an option for me more than once.

I’ve learned now to try to find my way out of a situation before it has to become a desperate crisis. There’s nothing worse than the times when I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into despair. That’s why I make the excuse list. Now I try to find a ways to seriously consider and test the truth of the excuses that are determined by perceived willingness. Here is how I force myself to do this - I think about the choices I’m not considering because I think I can’t (am not willing). I Imagine what if I WAS willing to go through what I had to do and what it would lead to. Now I’m focusing on the prize, not the excuses. I can see the better life waiting for me. It probably isn’t the perfect life, I may have to lose much to get there, but it will give me much more peace of mind (I will have gotten past this current bad situation). From there, a whole new world of possibilities can spring up. My future gives me hope again.

CAUSES OF A BAD FUNK

I've been in a bad funk the last few weeks, but thanks to something I heard at a recovery meeting last night I got insight as to how to address my problem. This is also helpful for anyone - not just addicts & alcoholics.

If you feel troubled or distirbed about something there are a few reasons why that may be-

1 You don't want to be honest with yourself about something.

2 There is some situation in your life you don't want to accept.

3 You want to re-open the debate over the fact that you have no chance of control over whatever self-destructive behavior you used to indulge in that gave you temporary relief from your problems.

4 You want to run your life by your will and not turning to the care of God and trying to follow His will for you.

TRUE SURRENDER

For a long time I had a misunderstanding of what means to surrender. A number of times my self-destructive behavior led me to a point of desperation where I was able to say that I was ready to surrender. At those times I thought that I did surrender, but did I really? Sometimes it took weeks, or months, a few times more than a year, but eventually I went back to thinking that it was a fight that could be won. I believed that I had learned from the mistakes that brought me to my knees and formulated a new master plan.
Sometimes I try to explain this mind-set that I had by using the analogy of a wrestling match. During the match, the other wrestler gets me down on the mat in a choke hold. I’m pinned down and can’t move or breathe, so I surrender. The match is over. Once I get up and can breath again, my strength returns. I’m mad and frustrated because I’m ready start wrestling this guy again. Its now hard to imagine why I had given up at the time. Did I really surrender, or just give up? Is there a difference between the two?
I believe that there is, and the way that I understand it now has given me much more serenity in my life. Looking back, at times when I thought that I surrendered, I see that I was just giving up for that moment. The fight is actually not taken out of me, I was just denied the option of continuing the fight for the moment. I was not surrendering with free choice. To embrace the gift of what surrender truly is, it must be made by freely choosing it. The decision to surrender should not be based on ones current state of weakness, even though one usually doesn’t even begin to consider it as a real option until stuck in such a position. This is where my misunderstanding developed, I connected weakness with surrender. What happens then when one begins to reap the rewards of “surrender” (giving up), and then begins to gain strength back? True surrender must come from embracing the fact that fighting is not the solution. The contest can never be won by power/control vs. power/control. This is a no-win situation. The solution lies outside of this mindset.
Want to put a big change in your life? This surrender that I'm talking about has to do with surrendering your own will to a higher power outside of yourself. I may have used surrender in the pretext of recovery, but this is something that certainly relates to everyone. Pride and total self-reliance hinder everyone from living a better life. Try applying this new mindset to many situations you face in life. There are many times where we fight against things that can not be changed or fought alone, no matter what we do. Yet, we still fight. Many things in life must be faced on life’s own terms. Learn acceptance, humility, and faith.

SELF-DISCIPLINE

I was at a meeting last night and the topic was self discipline. Although I know that this is a very important quality for anyone trying to live a productive life, I felt uncomfortable with the way that everyone was praising it as the greatest thing since sliced bread. Let me see if I can explain my concerns over this to you here.
To be in recovery (or any form of self-improvement), there is a lot of personal change involved. There are many different tools that one would normally use to affect a change in themselves. Self-discipline is certainly one of them, but I fear that it is a tool that can be problematic if used too extensively. It should be something that you turn to when you need a little extra support, but not a crutch to lean upon to maintain control of your new way of living.
That‘s what I feel is the biggest problem with self-discipline - control (especially self-control). Recovery is based on the fact that one is powerless over their self-destructive behavior (it can’t be self-controlled) For example an alcoholic has to understand that there is no way that he can ever dink successfully (with control). This understanding has to carry on to his recovery in the sense that he can’t abstain from drinking by himself either (he can‘t control his abstinence alone). That leads to another big part of recovery - surrender. One must surrender to the fact that this change can not be won by trying to exercise more control over the control of the self-destructive behavior. Change must come from looking outside of this self-defeating solution. One has to turn towards help outside of themselves (meetings, fellowship, sponsor, higher power). Self-destructive behavior is described in AA as a “self-imposed crisis”, it would seem then that it can’t be solved by a self-imposed solution.
To me self-discipline is more like training wheels that eventually have to be removed if one is truly founded in a new way of living. These training wheels are very important in early recovery, because one doesn’t really have any other tools to use yet. People are told to just follow suggestions and don’t think too much. New thinking, attitudes, and behaviors come later after discipline forces one to enter into new actions and continue to practice them.
This does not mean that self-discipline should never be needed once one is well on their way towards new living, since no one can be perfect in how well they do their recovery. The goal should be to hopefully have less need for it. Over time, as new thinking, attitudes, and behaviors become natural in one’s new life, it should be needed less for support.

PROBLEM SOLVING - Ask What Not Why

Why? This seems to always be the first thing that we consider when we are confronting a personal problem with ourselves. When most scientists study human behavior it is certainly what they will usually focus on. It does seem to make the most sense, because there is an undeniable fact that a person’s present behavior is the result of their experiences in the past. How can an intervention that leaves the past causes untouched have any lasting effect in the present?
Maybe the past has no real bearing on the SOLUTION that I need deal with the problem that I’m facing right now. Let’s look at the two possibilities involving the effect of the past on the present. I feel that both lead to the conclusion that only WHAT is happening in the present is significant -
1 The significance of causes in the past maintaining current problems is only a fascinating but inaccurate myth. If this is the case than desirable change of present behavior can only occur by dealing with ones present view of truth and reality.
2 There is a causal relationship between past and present behavior (what I believe). But since past events are unchangeable, either we are forced to abandon all hope that change is possible, or we must assume that the past has influence over the present ONLY by way of a persons PRESENT interpretation of past experience. If this is so than the past becomes a matter not of truth and reality, but of looking at it in the here and now by means of re-interpretation.

From what I have heard people share at meetings and have also witnessed from observing people that have undergone real transformations (especially spontaneous ones) is that knowing why is not a necessity. In fact, trying to understand why one has a problem as a precondition to inducing change can be a road-blocking assumption. [Check out my posts on the 9 dot problem to see an example how false preconditions put into a solution can make a problem unsolvable]
I believe that focusing too much on why can actually be detrimental for other reasons. Asking why can blind us to the important facts that need to be addressed most directly. It often happens that we only become aware of the important facts, if we suppress the question ‘why?’ and then in the course of the investigation these facts lead to finding a workable solution.
Personal experience has shown me another danger. Trying to solve problems based on ‘why?’ (looking into the past) can also lead to misdirected solutions, because many current personal problems may have stared by one series of reasons yet persist in the now for different ones. I spent many years trying to understand why I became and addict. I gained much insight about the reasons that I crossed the line into drug abuse, but all of this self-knowledge can never cure my current condition. I crossed a line I wish that I never crossed at some time in the past, there is no way to step back from that line. I may be in recovery, but will always be an addict, no matter how conclusively I may feel that I understand why.

It would seem that in deliberate intervention into human problems, the most pragmatic approach is not to question why but what.
We CAN take a problem as it exists here and now, without ever understanding why it got to be that way, and in spite of our ignorance of its origin and evolution we can do something about it. In doing so we are asking ‘what?’.
What is the problem?
What is going on here and now?

Because modern thinking is tainted by looking at situations scientifically, any attempt to look at a problem only in terms of present structure and consequences is considered the height of superficiality. AA has the slogan “keep it simple”. This slogan is not used because alcoholics are idiots and need to keep things simple - it is used because it WORKS!

I don't want to leave you with the idea that 'why' has no significance to self-improvement. It certainly does! I tried to stress the importance of 'what' in terms of finding practical solutions to problems so that change can occur. Once a transformation has progressed to a degree, the 'whys' of the past will lead to the insight needed to make sense of and find serenity in your new life. First though, the crisis of the problem must be attacked. Ask WHAT.

Message sent to me on facebook

"I've been enjoying reading your blogs. You certainly are not the person that I knew, but then again you are. There are (2) kinds of people that we come across when we're using. Good people who are diseased, and evil people who are just that - drug or no drug. I always knew that you were intelligent beyond normal understanding and that you were thoughtful and sincere. Even in recovery - don't allow yourself to be taken by anyone. This is your time, God has seen fit to release us both from that hell I pleased to see you here."

PERSONAL CHANGE (Digital vs. Analog)

Being in the situation that I was in with my life, I understood that in order to survive I had to change a big part of the person that I was. It is a tall order and I spent many years attempting it and failing miserably. There are many aspects involved in successful change, but here I want to discuss one personal stumbling block that took a long time to overcome. Once I was able to see this flaw in my understanding of how to change, I was able to experience some true progress. I’ve never heard of this idea mentioned in readings, or hit upon by other people in any direct way that I have been able to identify it with. I call it digital vs. analog change. Let’s see if I can explain it.
My first attempts at change I now call digital. Basically it involves doing an inventory of ones character, attitudes and behaviors, then making an assessment as to what parts are good and what are bad. Note that this assessment was not only based on my own view, but relied heavily on others to be more objective. [I’ll talk about the trouble with self-assessment in another blog] Since my goal is to change into a better person (one not crippled by the bad stuff and using good stuff to live a better life), I turned my personal inventory into a ledger. The bad stuff I would diminish or eliminate and the good I would increase or introduce. With this accounting I had a path to change.
Many doctors who work with behavior modification or other such help groups feel that this alone is the winning formula all by itself. By turning the bad to 0 and the good to 1, a map is laid out that can put you on the right path. At first the new structure for living seems un-natural to you (cause it is!), but over time your behavior is modified by repeating the new structure over and over again. You get reprogrammed and the new structure now seems natural and automatic to you. Digital way of change (simply adding and subtracting individual “bits”) does seemed to be effective for many. I will be the last one to shoot it down, but for me I needed more.
Although this technique seemed to make sense in my first years attempting real change, they always led to failure ultimately. The early results always seemed promising and was convinced, even after repeated failure, that I just had to refine what I was doing. What I realize now is that many times one can be fooled into thinking that real fundamental change is occurring when instead it is only superficial at best. Now I admit that my problem in this area might only be relevant to me, there are many people who can attest to the fact that I may be the most suborn human who ever lived, but I believe that in some regard the insight that I am about to give will be useful to others.
For me I needed a way not to add and subtract bits, but to find a way to smoothly transform each element in an indivisible way. I call this analog change. Only through a perceptually seamless transition could I truly have real insight (a fundamental paradigm shift) into accepting and living as the new me. I could not become a different person in leaps and bounds (even small ones), it was the complete and uninterrupted journey that led me to true transformation. A bad habit could not be cut out of me and a good behavior substituted in. The bad habit had to fade and become unpalatable as the good behavior simultaneously had to fade in and become attractive over the bad habit. It is this seamless transition that gave me real fundamental change that was not programmed in, but realized.
I don’t know if people follow what I’m trying to say (experience is relative), but I hope that maybe I gave some people new things to ponder. I don’t want to make this post any longer by more explanation, but feel free to comment and ask questions.