Some people might be pissed for me writing about this, but I can’t help believing what I believe and am not afraid to state my opinion on it. The purpose of recovery from drugs and alcohol is live a life without these things being a disruptive element anymore. Ones life should no longer be ‘attached’ to drugs and alcohol. The goal being to ’find a new way to live’.
1 The biggest thing to do this is not to use or drink AT ALL
(That one should be a no-brainer).
2 The next part involves taking the obsession or craving to use away by working on yourself. There are many different approaches to do this (including step work and spirituality) - I’m just trying to lump this general terms.
3 Once this is done, the next step is to stay involved in some type of maintenance process to avoid regressing back to the “old self” that had cravings and obsessions which led to using. Part of that maintenance usually involves giving back and helping others.
I have no problem with this general recovery plan - I use it myself. What bothers me is the way that some people follow it. When I say ‘bother’, I don’t mean that I’m bothered by a difference of opinion, or application. I feel that everyone has a right to use whatever recovery plan works best for them. I bring this up, because I am concerned that many people in recovery are denying themselves true freedom from drugs and alcohol. I see many continuing a course of action that keeps these substances a disruptive element in their lives - EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE ABSTAINING, WORKING ON THEMSELVES, AND RUNNING A MAINTENANCE PROCESS.
I feel I can say this, because I feel that many people in recovery remain ‘attached’ to drugs and alcohol - hence never enjoying true freedom from them. If there’re not using how are they attached?
Their attachment is now based on aversion (strong dislike) - a strong feeling of dislike or hatred of something. To be very averse to something – for instance, steering clear of alcohol – is a similar issue to craving, but working in reverse. The ideal is ‘no attachment’, neither craving nor averting. For some people in recovery look like people trapped in the cycle of craving and aversion, where their refusal to drink or use is symptomatic of an ongoing problem. To reach a higher spiritual level one should cultivate 'no attachment'.
I’m not saying that we should forget that drugs and alcohol are bad things and we certainly have to avoid them, but we don’t have to spend every waking minute reminding ourselves (and others) how much we hate them now. If we have really worked on ourselves and found some serenity, drugs and alcohol should hold no value over us in either a good or bad. How can one have any serenity if they still focus on this aversion?
Go to meetings, work with a sponsor, help spread the recovery message - do what you have to do for maintenance, but put it into a balance. Sure I usually spend a hour a day working on these blogs and go to a few meetings a week, but I do this so I can spend the rest of my time enjoying a normal life. My recovery is always there, but it runs beneath my awareness - only ready to pop up if needed. In fact most people that have come to know me in the last few years have no ideal that I had a drug problem
It amazes me how there are people with years in sobriety going to a dozen or more meetings a week, or standing on milk crates in the streets shouting AA slogans or not being able to hold a conversation with anyone without it turning into recovery talk. In my opinion, if you need to do all of this to stay clean, its time to REALLY do step work this time. Its time to REALLY work on yourself. If you spend your life in recovery always focusing on your strong aversion to drugs and alcohol, then the same underlying problems that caused you to crave them ARE STILL THERE to an unhealthy degree. This reminds me of my old life when, even when I wasn’t high, I was always focused on getting money for it, getting to the drug dealer, or waiting till I could sneak away and use.
To find real serenity the idea of no attachment should be used in ALL aspects of your life. Attachment can only be an illusion - you hold no real power over it. Admit that you are powerless over remaining attached to things. Attachment is a corruption that robs the true value of everything that you have. Take love for example. Love is a great and real thing, but it is something that one must enjoy for what it is - not possess. The magic of love is destroyed when one tries to attach to it. This can lead to fear of its loss, attempts at control, lack of trust, jealousy, ect.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
DEPENDENT ORIGINATION
The mental phenomena such as craving can be understood to be causally conditioned. In Buddhist's teachings there is something called the ‘law of dependent origination’ which asserts that sensory contact conditions feeling, feeling conditions craving, and craving conditions grasping. Meditative practice and 'mindfulness...' help to cultivate a gap between feeling and craving. It is in this space that we find our freedom, the freedom to have a choice rather than merely to react compulsively. The word buddha means “one who is awake”. To be awake to our inner world, rather than operating on automatic pilot, is a powerful preventative measure against relapse.
BEYOND UNDERSTANDING
It is well known to people in recovery that intellectual understanding alone is insufficient to motivate change. We need to move from understanding to conviction, achievable through experience. Smokers, for example, know that smoking causes them harm, yet sometimes the compulsion to smoke is irresistible. The language ...of the 12 steps, involving being “humble”, “willing” or “praying”, is not the language of intellectual analysis but of emotional commitment. 12 step recovery tries to engage the heart as well as the head. When the heart is engaged, we can find the motivation to transform ourselves through action.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
DISTORTED THINKING
If your having troubles dealing with reality, maybe its because your thinking is distorting it.
Cognitive distortions are exaggerated and irrational thoughts identified in cognitive therapy and its variants, which supposedly perpetuate certain psychological disorders. Eliminating these distortions and negative thought is said to improve mood and discourage maladies such as depression and chronic anxiety. The process of learning to refute these distortions is called "cognitive restructuring".
List of distortions -
All-or-nothing thinking (splitting) - Thinking of things in absolute terms, like "always", "every", "never", and "there is no alternative". Few aspects of human behavior are so absolute. (false dilemma.) All-or-nothing-thinking can contribute to depression.
Overgeneralization - Taking isolated cases and using them to make wide generalizations. (hasty generalization.)
Mental filter - Focusing almost exclusively on certain, usually negative or upsetting, aspects of an event while ignoring other positive aspects. For example, focusing on a tiny imperfection in a piece of otherwise useful clothing. (misleading vividness.)
Disqualifying the positive - Continually reemphasizing or "shooting down" positive experiences for arbitrary, ad hoc reasons.
Jumping to conclusions - Drawing conclusions (usually negative) from little (if any) evidence. Two specific subtypes are also identified:
Mind reading - Assuming special knowledge of the intentions or thoughts of others.
Fortune telling - Exaggerating how things will turn out before they happen. (slippery slope.)
Magnification and minimization - Distorting aspects of a memory or situation through magnifying or minimizing them such that they no longer correspond to objective reality. This is common enough in the normal population to popularize idioms such as "make a mountain out of a molehill." In depressed people, often the positive characteristics of other people are exaggerated and negative characteristics are understated. There is one subtype of magnification:
Catastrophizing - Focusing on the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or thinking that a situation is unbearable or impossible when it is really just uncomfortable.
Emotional reasoning - Making decisions and arguments based on intuitions or personal feeling rather than an objective rationale and evidence. (appeal to consequences.)
Should statements - Patterns of thought which imply the way things "should" or "ought to be" rather than the actual situation the person is faced with, or having rigid rules which the person believes will "always apply" no matter what the circumstances are. (wishful thinking.)
Labeling and mislabeling - Explaining behaviors or events, merely by naming them; related to overgeneralization. Rather than describing the specific behavior, a person assigns a label to someone or themselves that implies absolute and unalterable terms. Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
Personalization - Attribution of personal responsibility (or causal role) for events over which the person has no control. This pattern is also applied to other in the attribution of blame.
Cognitive distortions are exaggerated and irrational thoughts identified in cognitive therapy and its variants, which supposedly perpetuate certain psychological disorders. Eliminating these distortions and negative thought is said to improve mood and discourage maladies such as depression and chronic anxiety. The process of learning to refute these distortions is called "cognitive restructuring".
List of distortions -
All-or-nothing thinking (splitting) - Thinking of things in absolute terms, like "always", "every", "never", and "there is no alternative". Few aspects of human behavior are so absolute. (false dilemma.) All-or-nothing-thinking can contribute to depression.
Overgeneralization - Taking isolated cases and using them to make wide generalizations. (hasty generalization.)
Mental filter - Focusing almost exclusively on certain, usually negative or upsetting, aspects of an event while ignoring other positive aspects. For example, focusing on a tiny imperfection in a piece of otherwise useful clothing. (misleading vividness.)
Disqualifying the positive - Continually reemphasizing or "shooting down" positive experiences for arbitrary, ad hoc reasons.
Jumping to conclusions - Drawing conclusions (usually negative) from little (if any) evidence. Two specific subtypes are also identified:
Mind reading - Assuming special knowledge of the intentions or thoughts of others.
Fortune telling - Exaggerating how things will turn out before they happen. (slippery slope.)
Magnification and minimization - Distorting aspects of a memory or situation through magnifying or minimizing them such that they no longer correspond to objective reality. This is common enough in the normal population to popularize idioms such as "make a mountain out of a molehill." In depressed people, often the positive characteristics of other people are exaggerated and negative characteristics are understated. There is one subtype of magnification:
Catastrophizing - Focusing on the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or thinking that a situation is unbearable or impossible when it is really just uncomfortable.
Emotional reasoning - Making decisions and arguments based on intuitions or personal feeling rather than an objective rationale and evidence. (appeal to consequences.)
Should statements - Patterns of thought which imply the way things "should" or "ought to be" rather than the actual situation the person is faced with, or having rigid rules which the person believes will "always apply" no matter what the circumstances are. (wishful thinking.)
Labeling and mislabeling - Explaining behaviors or events, merely by naming them; related to overgeneralization. Rather than describing the specific behavior, a person assigns a label to someone or themselves that implies absolute and unalterable terms. Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
Personalization - Attribution of personal responsibility (or causal role) for events over which the person has no control. This pattern is also applied to other in the attribution of blame.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Defense mechanisms - overview
Defense mechanisms are unconscious psychological strategies brought into play to cope with reality and to maintain self-image. These defenses make possible compromise solutions to personal problems or conflicts. The compromise generally involves concealing from oneself internal drives or feelings that threaten to lower self-esteem or provoke anxiety.
They are more accurately referred to as ego defense mechanisms, and can thus be categorized as occurring when ones underlying impulses are in conflict with each other, when the underlying impulses conflict with ones moral values and beliefs, and when an external threat is posed to the ego.
There is nothing inherently wrong with using defense mechanisms. Healthy persons normally use different defenses throughout life. They tend to become pathological (self-destructive) only when its persistent use leads to maladaptive behavior such that the physical and/or mental health of the individual is adversely affected.
The American Psychiatric Association has published a breakdown of different defense mechanisms putting them into different categories. Level 1 are considered the most self-destructive, moving up to level 4 which are considered the most “normal”, or healthy (even though their use is still not the best solution to cope, or maintain self-image). The following is taken from the APA book, but somewhat re-written by me to take all the “doctor” language out. I put each level on a different post to follow. Try to go down the list and see which ones you may have used.
They are more accurately referred to as ego defense mechanisms, and can thus be categorized as occurring when ones underlying impulses are in conflict with each other, when the underlying impulses conflict with ones moral values and beliefs, and when an external threat is posed to the ego.
There is nothing inherently wrong with using defense mechanisms. Healthy persons normally use different defenses throughout life. They tend to become pathological (self-destructive) only when its persistent use leads to maladaptive behavior such that the physical and/or mental health of the individual is adversely affected.
The American Psychiatric Association has published a breakdown of different defense mechanisms putting them into different categories. Level 1 are considered the most self-destructive, moving up to level 4 which are considered the most “normal”, or healthy (even though their use is still not the best solution to cope, or maintain self-image). The following is taken from the APA book, but somewhat re-written by me to take all the “doctor” language out. I put each level on a different post to follow. Try to go down the list and see which ones you may have used.
Defense mechanisms - level 1
Level 1 - Pathological
The mechanisms on this level, when predominating, almost always are severely pathological. These four defenses, in conjunction, permit one to effectively rearrange external experiences to eliminate the need to cope with reality. The pathological users of these mechanisms frequently appear crazy to others. These are the "psychotic" defenses. However, they are found in dreams and throughout childhood as well, because children have not yet learned better ways to cope.
They include:
Delusional Projection: Grossly frank delusions about external reality, usually feelings of being victim to cruel or unfair treatment.
Denial: Refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening; arguing against an anxiety-provoking situation by stating it doesn't exist; resolution of emotional conflict and reduction of anxiety by refusing to perceive or consciously acknowledge the more unpleasant aspects of external reality.
Distortion: A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.
Splitting: A primitive defense. Negative and positive impulses are split off and unintegrated. Fundamental example: An individual views other people as either innately good or innately evil, rather than a whole continuous being.
The mechanisms on this level, when predominating, almost always are severely pathological. These four defenses, in conjunction, permit one to effectively rearrange external experiences to eliminate the need to cope with reality. The pathological users of these mechanisms frequently appear crazy to others. These are the "psychotic" defenses. However, they are found in dreams and throughout childhood as well, because children have not yet learned better ways to cope.
They include:
Delusional Projection: Grossly frank delusions about external reality, usually feelings of being victim to cruel or unfair treatment.
Denial: Refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening; arguing against an anxiety-provoking situation by stating it doesn't exist; resolution of emotional conflict and reduction of anxiety by refusing to perceive or consciously acknowledge the more unpleasant aspects of external reality.
Distortion: A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.
Splitting: A primitive defense. Negative and positive impulses are split off and unintegrated. Fundamental example: An individual views other people as either innately good or innately evil, rather than a whole continuous being.
Defense mechanisms - level 2
Level 2 - Immature
These mechanisms are often present in adults and more commonly present in adolescents. These mechanisms lessen distress and anxiety provoked by threatening people or by uncomfortable reality. People who excessively use such defenses are seen as socially undesirable in that they are immature, difficult to deal with and seriously out of touch with reality. These are the so-called "immature" defenses and overuse almost always leads to serious problems in a person's ability to cope effectively. These defenses are often seen in severe depression and personality disorders. In adolescence, the occurrence of all of these defenses is normal.
They include:
Acting out: Direct expression of an unconscious wish or impulse in action, without conscious awareness of the emotion that drives that expressive behavior.
Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts.
Idealization: Unconsciously choosing to perceive another individual as having more positive qualities than he or she may actually have.
Passive aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively such as using procrastination.
Projection: Projection is a primitive form of paranoia. Projection also reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the undesirable impulses or desires without becoming consciously aware of them; attributing one's own unacknowledged unacceptable/unwanted thoughts and emotions to another; includes severe prejudice, severe jealousy, hyper vigilance to external danger, and "injustice collecting". It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations are perceived as being possessed by the other.
Projective identification: The object of projection invokes in that person precisely the thoughts, feelings or behaviors projected.
Somatization: The transformation of negative feelings towards others into negative feelings toward self, pain, illness, and anxiety.
These mechanisms are often present in adults and more commonly present in adolescents. These mechanisms lessen distress and anxiety provoked by threatening people or by uncomfortable reality. People who excessively use such defenses are seen as socially undesirable in that they are immature, difficult to deal with and seriously out of touch with reality. These are the so-called "immature" defenses and overuse almost always leads to serious problems in a person's ability to cope effectively. These defenses are often seen in severe depression and personality disorders. In adolescence, the occurrence of all of these defenses is normal.
They include:
Acting out: Direct expression of an unconscious wish or impulse in action, without conscious awareness of the emotion that drives that expressive behavior.
Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts.
Idealization: Unconsciously choosing to perceive another individual as having more positive qualities than he or she may actually have.
Passive aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively such as using procrastination.
Projection: Projection is a primitive form of paranoia. Projection also reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the undesirable impulses or desires without becoming consciously aware of them; attributing one's own unacknowledged unacceptable/unwanted thoughts and emotions to another; includes severe prejudice, severe jealousy, hyper vigilance to external danger, and "injustice collecting". It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations are perceived as being possessed by the other.
Projective identification: The object of projection invokes in that person precisely the thoughts, feelings or behaviors projected.
Somatization: The transformation of negative feelings towards others into negative feelings toward self, pain, illness, and anxiety.
Defense mechanisms - level 3
Level 3 - Neurotic
These mechanisms are considered neurotic, but fairly common in adults. Such defenses have short-term advantages in coping, but can often cause long-term problems in relationships, work and in enjoying life when used as one's primary style of coping with the world.
They include:
Displacement: Defense mechanism that shifts sexual or aggressive impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target; redirecting emotion to a safer outlet; separation of emotion from its real object and redirection of the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less offensive or threatening in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening. For example, a mother may yell at her child because she is angry with her husband.
Dissociation: Temporary drastic modification of one's personal identity or character to avoid emotional distress; separation or postponement of a feeling that normally would accompany a situation or thought.
Hypochondriasis: An excessive preoccupation or worry about having a serious illness.
Intellectualization: A form of isolation; concentrating on the intellectual components of a situation so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions; separation of emotion from ideas; thinking about wishes in formal, affectively bland terms and not acting on them; avoiding unacceptable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects
Isolation: Separation of feelings from ideas and events, for example, describing a murder with graphic details with no emotional response.
Rationalization: Where a person convinces him or herself that no wrong was done and that all is or was all right through faulty and false reasoning. An indicator of this defense mechanism can be seen socially as the formulation of convenient excuses.
Reaction Formation: Converting unconscious wishes or impulses that are perceived to be dangerous into their opposites; behavior that is completely the opposite of what one really wants or feels; taking the opposite belief because the true belief causes anxiety. This defense can work effectively for coping in the short term, but will eventually break down.
Regression: Temporary reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way.
Repression: Process of pulling thoughts into the unconscious and preventing painful or dangerous thoughts from entering consciousness; seemingly unexplainable naivety, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one's own situation and condition; the emotion is conscious, but the idea behind it is absent.
Undoing: A person tries to 'undo' an unhealthy, destructive or otherwise threatening thought by engaging in contrary behavior.
These mechanisms are considered neurotic, but fairly common in adults. Such defenses have short-term advantages in coping, but can often cause long-term problems in relationships, work and in enjoying life when used as one's primary style of coping with the world.
They include:
Displacement: Defense mechanism that shifts sexual or aggressive impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target; redirecting emotion to a safer outlet; separation of emotion from its real object and redirection of the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less offensive or threatening in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening. For example, a mother may yell at her child because she is angry with her husband.
Dissociation: Temporary drastic modification of one's personal identity or character to avoid emotional distress; separation or postponement of a feeling that normally would accompany a situation or thought.
Hypochondriasis: An excessive preoccupation or worry about having a serious illness.
Intellectualization: A form of isolation; concentrating on the intellectual components of a situation so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions; separation of emotion from ideas; thinking about wishes in formal, affectively bland terms and not acting on them; avoiding unacceptable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects
Isolation: Separation of feelings from ideas and events, for example, describing a murder with graphic details with no emotional response.
Rationalization: Where a person convinces him or herself that no wrong was done and that all is or was all right through faulty and false reasoning. An indicator of this defense mechanism can be seen socially as the formulation of convenient excuses.
Reaction Formation: Converting unconscious wishes or impulses that are perceived to be dangerous into their opposites; behavior that is completely the opposite of what one really wants or feels; taking the opposite belief because the true belief causes anxiety. This defense can work effectively for coping in the short term, but will eventually break down.
Regression: Temporary reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way.
Repression: Process of pulling thoughts into the unconscious and preventing painful or dangerous thoughts from entering consciousness; seemingly unexplainable naivety, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one's own situation and condition; the emotion is conscious, but the idea behind it is absent.
Undoing: A person tries to 'undo' an unhealthy, destructive or otherwise threatening thought by engaging in contrary behavior.
Defense mechanisms - level 4
Level 4 - Mature
These are commonly found among emotionally healthy adults and are considered mature, even though many have their origins in an immature stage of development. They have been adapted through the years in order to optimize success in life and relationships. The use of these defenses enhances pleasure and feelings of control. These defenses help us integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts, while still remaining effective. Those who use these mechanisms are usually considered virtuous.
They include:
Altruism: Constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction.
Anticipation: Realistic planning for future discomfort.
Humor: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. Humor, which explores the absurdity inherent in any event, enables someone to "tell it like it is". While humor is a form of displacement (see above under Level 3), here humor is used to refer to the serious or distressing not by really displacing it; the thoughts remain distressing, but they are "skirted round" by jokes.
Identification: The unconscious modeling of one's self upon another person's character and behavior.
Introjection: Identifying with some idea or object so deeply that it becomes a part of that person.
Sublimation: Transformation of negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behavior, or emotion.
Thought suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; making it possible to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions while accepting them.
These are commonly found among emotionally healthy adults and are considered mature, even though many have their origins in an immature stage of development. They have been adapted through the years in order to optimize success in life and relationships. The use of these defenses enhances pleasure and feelings of control. These defenses help us integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts, while still remaining effective. Those who use these mechanisms are usually considered virtuous.
They include:
Altruism: Constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction.
Anticipation: Realistic planning for future discomfort.
Humor: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. Humor, which explores the absurdity inherent in any event, enables someone to "tell it like it is". While humor is a form of displacement (see above under Level 3), here humor is used to refer to the serious or distressing not by really displacing it; the thoughts remain distressing, but they are "skirted round" by jokes.
Identification: The unconscious modeling of one's self upon another person's character and behavior.
Introjection: Identifying with some idea or object so deeply that it becomes a part of that person.
Sublimation: Transformation of negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behavior, or emotion.
Thought suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; making it possible to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions while accepting them.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
SELF-FORGIVENESS
In my experience, the path to being truly spiritual can be blocked by many self-imposed doors. A big problem for me was being able to forgive myself. I turned to spirituality to feel graced by God’s forgiveness to heal my own guilt, but much later on came to understand that I was keeping a door shut which prevented the true Divine blessing of forgiveness from being a part of my life. Maybe you can relate to this - “I know that God forgives me, but I still can’t forgive myself.”.
Later, when I saw the trap in this way of thinking, I came to realize that I was only accepting God’s forgiveness on a superficial level. I now believe that the deeper aspect of forgiveness from another is that it must lead to self-forgiveness. If I believe that God has forgiven me, I now must see that He is inviting me to forgive myself. I don’t know about you, but when I came to understand this invitation to self-forgiveness, all I could think was “I can’t do that!”
It took me a long time to overcome this way of thinking, but now that I have acted on the invitation, I see a big change in how I feel about myself. God must be taken up on this invitation - if not, I believe that one can never genuinely experience God’s forgiveness which includes the fullness of redemption and reconciliation with oneself. Even worse, only accepting God’s forgiveness, but not self-forgiveness, causes a contradiction that can lead to even more pain in life. Because of this pain, I went through many years punishing myself. What better way is there to withhold self-forgiveness than by self-punishment, self-pity, and self-condemnation?
Why did I find self-forgiveness too hard to do? It hurts! To forgive myself, I have to first come to terms with what I have done and convict myself on it. I tried many ways to avoid this painful experience -
The first was to think that I didn’t need to forgive myself and just needed God to forgive me (we talked about why that doesn’t work).
The second was to cop out on a plea of ignorance, or insanity. Though there might be some truth in this - the guilt is still based on the fact that I chose to do these things, regardless of the circumstances. (this didn’t work because the guilt can’t be dodged by excuses)
The third was to be vague on the crimes that I committed - instead of really looking at what I had done in detail, I just clumped them together and said, “I forgive myself for being the asshole I used to be”. (this didn’t work because it still avoids the depth of the guilt that I am trying to forgive).
For me to find self-forgiveness IT HURT! The good news is that now that I passed through that dark trial, I have come to find true sense of self-forgiveness and allowed God‘s into my life. I no longer carry a heavy load of resentments, regrets, and guilt around with me. I haven’t forgotten what I have done, but I don’t still beat myself up over it. This has allowed me to enter a new, grander phase in the path of my spiritual awakening.
Later, when I saw the trap in this way of thinking, I came to realize that I was only accepting God’s forgiveness on a superficial level. I now believe that the deeper aspect of forgiveness from another is that it must lead to self-forgiveness. If I believe that God has forgiven me, I now must see that He is inviting me to forgive myself. I don’t know about you, but when I came to understand this invitation to self-forgiveness, all I could think was “I can’t do that!”
It took me a long time to overcome this way of thinking, but now that I have acted on the invitation, I see a big change in how I feel about myself. God must be taken up on this invitation - if not, I believe that one can never genuinely experience God’s forgiveness which includes the fullness of redemption and reconciliation with oneself. Even worse, only accepting God’s forgiveness, but not self-forgiveness, causes a contradiction that can lead to even more pain in life. Because of this pain, I went through many years punishing myself. What better way is there to withhold self-forgiveness than by self-punishment, self-pity, and self-condemnation?
Why did I find self-forgiveness too hard to do? It hurts! To forgive myself, I have to first come to terms with what I have done and convict myself on it. I tried many ways to avoid this painful experience -
The first was to think that I didn’t need to forgive myself and just needed God to forgive me (we talked about why that doesn’t work).
The second was to cop out on a plea of ignorance, or insanity. Though there might be some truth in this - the guilt is still based on the fact that I chose to do these things, regardless of the circumstances. (this didn’t work because the guilt can’t be dodged by excuses)
The third was to be vague on the crimes that I committed - instead of really looking at what I had done in detail, I just clumped them together and said, “I forgive myself for being the asshole I used to be”. (this didn’t work because it still avoids the depth of the guilt that I am trying to forgive).
For me to find self-forgiveness IT HURT! The good news is that now that I passed through that dark trial, I have come to find true sense of self-forgiveness and allowed God‘s into my life. I no longer carry a heavy load of resentments, regrets, and guilt around with me. I haven’t forgotten what I have done, but I don’t still beat myself up over it. This has allowed me to enter a new, grander phase in the path of my spiritual awakening.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL?
I was confronted by a person yesterday who I could tell was mad as hell. Every non-verbal sign that his body gave off, convinced me of it. Yet, when I tried to get him to calm down, he tried to convince me that he wasn’t mad. The craziest thing is that I really think that he believed that he wasn’t mad. I explained to him something I learned years ago and it seemed to make him much more self-aware of his true self. I always thought that many people knew this, but found many who don’t. I figure that this is important to pass on.
For a long time I always had a problem really knowing what my true feeling were at any given moment. This became important to me because my emotions very easily made a lot of choices for me without spending the time to really think ‘Is this a good idea?’. The illusion is that when you surrender to your emotions, you feel the most free - when in fact you are being controlled by them. Many times my thinking mind was not truly aware of how I was really feeling, because ‘It doesn’t make sense that I should feel this way’.
Feelings don’t have to make sense to you conscious thinking mind - many times they are based on instincts and subconscious beliefs that we have no voluntary control over. The brain is actually hard-wired this way as a survival trait. Many times one needs to react too quickly to waste time to think about what to do. It works good in many life-and death situations but stinking thinking in your subconscious beliefs can lead to many unhealthy feelings. Believe it or not, there is a part of the brain that controls emotions that has its own self-contained memory - completely separate from our main memory. Many strong emotional responses from our past are stored there. Many of these are negative emotions and not even based on healthy thinking. Maybe you mother locked you in your room when you were 3 years old for being bad. You were in terror from this - now years later you might acquire strong feelings of fear that prevent you from admitting some present bad action.
Here I go moving way off topic again when all I wanted to do was do a short post. Here’s my trick to being aware of how I truly feel at any moment-
Don’t try to use your thinking mind to determine how you feel. Many times it will tell you wrong.
Become aware off what your body is doing. Like I said, most emotions are hard-wired to the body without passing through the thinking mind first. Learn to become ware of how your body reacts to certain emotions. Anger might cause your heart to race, or your muscles may tighten up. Sadness might make your stomach sick. Severe depression might cause you to sleep a lot. Manic moods might make you feel invincible and give you excess energy.
Learn to realize that your true feelings can be determined by what state your body is in - not by how you think you feel.
For a long time I always had a problem really knowing what my true feeling were at any given moment. This became important to me because my emotions very easily made a lot of choices for me without spending the time to really think ‘Is this a good idea?’. The illusion is that when you surrender to your emotions, you feel the most free - when in fact you are being controlled by them. Many times my thinking mind was not truly aware of how I was really feeling, because ‘It doesn’t make sense that I should feel this way’.
Feelings don’t have to make sense to you conscious thinking mind - many times they are based on instincts and subconscious beliefs that we have no voluntary control over. The brain is actually hard-wired this way as a survival trait. Many times one needs to react too quickly to waste time to think about what to do. It works good in many life-and death situations but stinking thinking in your subconscious beliefs can lead to many unhealthy feelings. Believe it or not, there is a part of the brain that controls emotions that has its own self-contained memory - completely separate from our main memory. Many strong emotional responses from our past are stored there. Many of these are negative emotions and not even based on healthy thinking. Maybe you mother locked you in your room when you were 3 years old for being bad. You were in terror from this - now years later you might acquire strong feelings of fear that prevent you from admitting some present bad action.
Here I go moving way off topic again when all I wanted to do was do a short post. Here’s my trick to being aware of how I truly feel at any moment-
Don’t try to use your thinking mind to determine how you feel. Many times it will tell you wrong.
Become aware off what your body is doing. Like I said, most emotions are hard-wired to the body without passing through the thinking mind first. Learn to become ware of how your body reacts to certain emotions. Anger might cause your heart to race, or your muscles may tighten up. Sadness might make your stomach sick. Severe depression might cause you to sleep a lot. Manic moods might make you feel invincible and give you excess energy.
Learn to realize that your true feelings can be determined by what state your body is in - not by how you think you feel.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
THE NEED FOR BEING SPIRITUAL
I was sharing at a Step meeting and said some stuff that people told me they got a lot out of.
We were reading out of the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions book and were focusing on why our basic instincts seem to run amok. I’m gonna try to recap it here.
I always have a lot to say about the 4th step, but the point I tried to make here is how by doing my personal inventory I was able to see how badly I fell victim to living my life completely on trying to satisfy my ‘corrupted perspective’ instincts alone. By doing this I was able to see the NEED for having a spiritual base in my existence. The 3rd step cracked the door to a higher power open, but the 4th step swung it open a lot more.
All animals have instincts which help them survive (security, shelter, companionship, reproduction, ect). Humans also have these same survival instincts. The problem is that humans have a capacity and NEED for something more - spirituality. This is what truly sets us apart from all other animals (I believe much more so than our level of intellect). The problem is that this blessing can turn into a curse if we don’t come to realize that we MUST USE our spiritual capacity. If we turn away from establishing a spiritual foundation in our lives, the result will always be self-destructive. Some may not destroy their lives by this behavior (like alcoholics & addicts), but will still go through life feeling that some basic need was never addressed. People often describe it as a ’hole’ inside that can never be completely satisfied by anything they try to fill it with. ‘Things’ may temporarily diminish the craving to ’fill the hole’, but in the end the hole returns as empty as it was before.
Having worked on establishing a spiritual foundation in my life I feel so much more complete. I feel that I am living closer to the way that I was designed to be. I still have survival instincts that are attended to, but they help me survive - THEY DON’T RULE OVER MY LIFE. True joy comes from within (my spiritual connection). I have finally found a way to start filling the ‘hole’ with what is truly meant to be put in it.
We were reading out of the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions book and were focusing on why our basic instincts seem to run amok. I’m gonna try to recap it here.
I always have a lot to say about the 4th step, but the point I tried to make here is how by doing my personal inventory I was able to see how badly I fell victim to living my life completely on trying to satisfy my ‘corrupted perspective’ instincts alone. By doing this I was able to see the NEED for having a spiritual base in my existence. The 3rd step cracked the door to a higher power open, but the 4th step swung it open a lot more.
All animals have instincts which help them survive (security, shelter, companionship, reproduction, ect). Humans also have these same survival instincts. The problem is that humans have a capacity and NEED for something more - spirituality. This is what truly sets us apart from all other animals (I believe much more so than our level of intellect). The problem is that this blessing can turn into a curse if we don’t come to realize that we MUST USE our spiritual capacity. If we turn away from establishing a spiritual foundation in our lives, the result will always be self-destructive. Some may not destroy their lives by this behavior (like alcoholics & addicts), but will still go through life feeling that some basic need was never addressed. People often describe it as a ’hole’ inside that can never be completely satisfied by anything they try to fill it with. ‘Things’ may temporarily diminish the craving to ’fill the hole’, but in the end the hole returns as empty as it was before.
Having worked on establishing a spiritual foundation in my life I feel so much more complete. I feel that I am living closer to the way that I was designed to be. I still have survival instincts that are attended to, but they help me survive - THEY DON’T RULE OVER MY LIFE. True joy comes from within (my spiritual connection). I have finally found a way to start filling the ‘hole’ with what is truly meant to be put in it.
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