[A question posed at another recovery site] ----------
“I'm interested in hearing people's perspective on this: Would you suggest your sponsee becoming a sponsor after finishing the 12 steps, but with less than a year sober?”
[My response] --------- I think it's a bad idea, even though technically there is no set clean-time before being a sponsor rule.
Personally, I think even 12 months is not enough time and simply completing the 12 steps not sufficient. A knowledge of the complete steps is a big move towards sponsorship, but the EXPERIENCE of LIVING the steps over a period of time (varies with the person, but certainly more than a year) gives a sponsor a true UNDERSTANDING of the steps. It's the understanding THROUGH experience that really empowers a sponsor to do their best at sponsorship.
This doesn't mean that one can't 'give back' in other ways before they are fully prepared to be a legitimate sponsor to someone. I've seen MANY instances where the ones that insist on 'rushing' into being a sponsor wind up drunk themselves!
I believe this to be, because they are still motivated by ego, other selfish reasons, and want to find a way to avoid continued deep reflection on their own issues.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Smeer Rules To Live By
Smeer Rules To Live By
(compiled from a large array of sources and real world experience) And No - I'm not able to always to follow these rules successfully all the time, but I try my best to!
1. You Create Your Own Life -
You are not a victim. You are 100% responsible for the life you have right now. If you are unhappy, you have the power to change your attitude and actions to begin making your life better. Always remember, whether you think life sucks or you think life is great, either way, you're right.
2. You Make Yourself Feel The Way You Feel -
Ever notice how some people are able to brush off insults, while others get furious and start kicking ass? Realize that nobody can "make" you feel anything. You are the one that "chooses" to feel good or bad about a particular event or action that occurs.
3. Fake It Till You Make It -
If you want to be more confident, happy, or positive, then "pretend" that you already are this way. Eventually, after practicing this long enough, you'll realize that you're no longer "pretending".
4. Follow A Purpose -
A purpose is what you enjoy doing, that you never get tired of, and you will do for the rest of your life. Is your purpose to play guitar? Is it to help suffering addicts? Write down on index cards a list of purposes and choose the one that speaks to you the most.
5. Set Goals And Schedule Your Day -
List out 5 to 10 goals that you want for your life. Break each goal up into smaller sub-goals and then break those sub-goals into individual tasks and action steps. Every night, plan the next day in advance. Create a daily "to-do list" with those tasks that you need to do to accomplish your goal.
6. Live In The Present -
Regret and shame come from dwelling in the past. Worrying and anxiety come from living in the future. True peace of mind comes from living in the present. The more you become aware of being in the present, the more it becomes a part of your daily life.
7. The Power Of Attraction -
The power of attraction is a powerful mental tool. The process works by focusing on something that you want while visualizing that you already have it. You then have a heightened level of awareness for recognizing opportunities that occur around you. These opportunities will then assist in bringing what you want into your physical reality.
8. Expand Your Comfort Zone -
Your comfort zone (what you feel comfortable doing) is always in a state of either expanding or contracting. The more you get out in the world and do what you feel uncomfortable doing, the less inhibited you become, thereby allowing you to live a richer and fuller life.
9. Be Thankful For What You Have -
Every morning before you start your day, give thanks and appreciation for what you have. It's only when we are thankful for what we have that life gives us more blessings and abundance to be thankful for.
10. The Power Of Asking -
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. It's the reason that children ask their parents for the same thing over and over again, because they know mom and dad will eventually cave in. The same concept works in the real world. If there is something in the world you want, ask for it...or at least ask how to get it.
11. Learn From The Pros And Copy Them -
Find the successful people in your field and ask them for advice. Ask them what they do to be successful, take notes, and then copy them. A lot of people think that the pros don't want to give up their secrets. The opposite is actually true. Most successful people are more that willing to share their knowledge if you ask them
12. Ignore The Assholes -
Assholes are people that will try to discourage you from your dreams. Don't listen to them. Realize that the only reason they are doing it is because by seeing you chase after your dreams, it's reminding them that they aren't chasing theirs. Misery loves company.
(compiled from a large array of sources and real world experience) And No - I'm not able to always to follow these rules successfully all the time, but I try my best to!
1. You Create Your Own Life -
You are not a victim. You are 100% responsible for the life you have right now. If you are unhappy, you have the power to change your attitude and actions to begin making your life better. Always remember, whether you think life sucks or you think life is great, either way, you're right.
2. You Make Yourself Feel The Way You Feel -
Ever notice how some people are able to brush off insults, while others get furious and start kicking ass? Realize that nobody can "make" you feel anything. You are the one that "chooses" to feel good or bad about a particular event or action that occurs.
3. Fake It Till You Make It -
If you want to be more confident, happy, or positive, then "pretend" that you already are this way. Eventually, after practicing this long enough, you'll realize that you're no longer "pretending".
4. Follow A Purpose -
A purpose is what you enjoy doing, that you never get tired of, and you will do for the rest of your life. Is your purpose to play guitar? Is it to help suffering addicts? Write down on index cards a list of purposes and choose the one that speaks to you the most.
5. Set Goals And Schedule Your Day -
List out 5 to 10 goals that you want for your life. Break each goal up into smaller sub-goals and then break those sub-goals into individual tasks and action steps. Every night, plan the next day in advance. Create a daily "to-do list" with those tasks that you need to do to accomplish your goal.
6. Live In The Present -
Regret and shame come from dwelling in the past. Worrying and anxiety come from living in the future. True peace of mind comes from living in the present. The more you become aware of being in the present, the more it becomes a part of your daily life.
7. The Power Of Attraction -
The power of attraction is a powerful mental tool. The process works by focusing on something that you want while visualizing that you already have it. You then have a heightened level of awareness for recognizing opportunities that occur around you. These opportunities will then assist in bringing what you want into your physical reality.
8. Expand Your Comfort Zone -
Your comfort zone (what you feel comfortable doing) is always in a state of either expanding or contracting. The more you get out in the world and do what you feel uncomfortable doing, the less inhibited you become, thereby allowing you to live a richer and fuller life.
9. Be Thankful For What You Have -
Every morning before you start your day, give thanks and appreciation for what you have. It's only when we are thankful for what we have that life gives us more blessings and abundance to be thankful for.
10. The Power Of Asking -
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. It's the reason that children ask their parents for the same thing over and over again, because they know mom and dad will eventually cave in. The same concept works in the real world. If there is something in the world you want, ask for it...or at least ask how to get it.
11. Learn From The Pros And Copy Them -
Find the successful people in your field and ask them for advice. Ask them what they do to be successful, take notes, and then copy them. A lot of people think that the pros don't want to give up their secrets. The opposite is actually true. Most successful people are more that willing to share their knowledge if you ask them
12. Ignore The Assholes -
Assholes are people that will try to discourage you from your dreams. Don't listen to them. Realize that the only reason they are doing it is because by seeing you chase after your dreams, it's reminding them that they aren't chasing theirs. Misery loves company.
Wake Up!
A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
A CLEAN TIME ISSUE
There is an issue that I have seen come up at many 12 step meetings and I just saw mentioned in another online group discussion. There was a person sharing about how upset she was for being put down by others in recovery, because she is still on methadone. Here's the comment I posted about it -
I feel bad if people are putting you down over your methadone use. No one should do harmful things like that to anyone trying to find recovery. No ones path is going to be exactly the same, since we all have somewhat different issues to tackle. At the same time you have to consider how certain recovery groups will view what your doing, IF you try to claim ’clean time’ while still on it. Many members (me included) would feel somewhat uncomfortable about it. Still, I would in no way shoot you down, or discourage you over it.
Beyond that one issue, there is no reason why you should not be fully involved in groups and anyone’s problem with it should be ignored. This issue should also not stop you from your recovery journey - making meetings, having a sponsor, doing step work, ect.
Hopefully you can get off meth maintenance (by a gradual lowering of dose and finding non-narcotic pain management medicine in the near future.
Good luck to you.
(continued discussion from my facebook group)
ML - This is a great message. What some of the members don't realize is that comments like this can sway a member into thinking, "I might as well give this up and go back to my REAL drug of choice." Foget all this A.A. NON-SENSE. Judging is dangerous business. PLEASE let's keep our opinions to ourselves and not be doctors. I do my very best to sponsor from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. THIS NEW GUY MAY BE ON THE PATH TO GETTING WELL NOT STAYING HIGH.
Steven Meer - I've been at meetings where members have been very cruel to people in this situation. I don't see a problem if you talk to the person after the meeting and offer some advice in a kind, supportive, non-judgmental way (as in maybe waiting till you can truly celebrate clean-time, but feel included in every other aspect of the program). If they still want to count it a clean time - I would let them. Unfortunately, I've seen these people verbally attacked during the meeting - a few times causing them to walk out in tears. Methadone usage can be a necessary step for some in the beginning of their road to recovery.
ML - Well said. Hopefully talking about it here will make some step back and not judge.
Steven Meer - We can only hope - some people seem to have closed minds though. Don't they realize that in addition to hurting others, they are also limiting their own ability to have a healthy, successful recovery for themselves?
I feel bad if people are putting you down over your methadone use. No one should do harmful things like that to anyone trying to find recovery. No ones path is going to be exactly the same, since we all have somewhat different issues to tackle. At the same time you have to consider how certain recovery groups will view what your doing, IF you try to claim ’clean time’ while still on it. Many members (me included) would feel somewhat uncomfortable about it. Still, I would in no way shoot you down, or discourage you over it.
Beyond that one issue, there is no reason why you should not be fully involved in groups and anyone’s problem with it should be ignored. This issue should also not stop you from your recovery journey - making meetings, having a sponsor, doing step work, ect.
Hopefully you can get off meth maintenance (by a gradual lowering of dose and finding non-narcotic pain management medicine in the near future.
Good luck to you.
(continued discussion from my facebook group)
ML - This is a great message. What some of the members don't realize is that comments like this can sway a member into thinking, "I might as well give this up and go back to my REAL drug of choice." Foget all this A.A. NON-SENSE. Judging is dangerous business. PLEASE let's keep our opinions to ourselves and not be doctors. I do my very best to sponsor from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. THIS NEW GUY MAY BE ON THE PATH TO GETTING WELL NOT STAYING HIGH.
Steven Meer - I've been at meetings where members have been very cruel to people in this situation. I don't see a problem if you talk to the person after the meeting and offer some advice in a kind, supportive, non-judgmental way (as in maybe waiting till you can truly celebrate clean-time, but feel included in every other aspect of the program). If they still want to count it a clean time - I would let them. Unfortunately, I've seen these people verbally attacked during the meeting - a few times causing them to walk out in tears. Methadone usage can be a necessary step for some in the beginning of their road to recovery.
ML - Well said. Hopefully talking about it here will make some step back and not judge.
Steven Meer - We can only hope - some people seem to have closed minds though. Don't they realize that in addition to hurting others, they are also limiting their own ability to have a healthy, successful recovery for themselves?
Thursday, May 12, 2011
DON'T JUST 'TELL YOURSELF'
In recent months I’ve been exposed to people in recovery who I tried to help, but could only watch them relapse again. I bring this up, because all of them (in my opinion) were using the same flawed technique as they began to try to change their lives. The saddest part about these relapses is that they seemed to truly want to change - that was not the problem. I can strongly identify with them, because I had made the same mistake a few times in my own recovery journey. Being aware and overcoming this problem was one of the major steps that I needed to make to find the current success that I have today. I find it important to write on this.
The crux of this revolves around the ‘head to heart’ paradigm. I’ve sure that you heard it in many recovery programs. It is basically about taking your changing thinking and moving it the ‘18 inches’ to having it felt in your heart. I have yet to hear a definitive description of how to do this, but I’ll give you my take here briefly (I‘m writing a long post on this, so you can get more detail soon). To begin to make real changes to what you believe in your heart it takes a 3 basic steps -
1 New thinking >
2 Action (to back up that thinking) >
3 Experience (as a result of these actions) =
New beliefs (in your heart)
The most import part of this is the ‘Experience’ part. The first 2 stages can be done alone and not lead to the experience needed to change the heart. You may ask “How can action not lead to experience?” Well, action taken by someone with a closed mind shuts the door to the awakening experiences needed.
Let me go back to these relapses I started with. The people were stuck in stage 1 (new thinking) They were working on the false belief that just by changing their thinking alone was all that is needed. Unfortunately new thinking is not the complete answer - even though it can fool you into thinking it is!
To maintain their new thinking, I could almost imagine their brains on a treadmill. For example they ‘knew’ that they needed to be positive about life and grateful, so what did they do? They would keep their brains running by telling themselves “I must be positive”, or “I must be grateful” hundreds of times a day. On top of that, they would put on a show to others trying to convince them that they are these things. It reeked of fake and insincere, but I could tell them that. Worse, other recovery people were telling me that it is a mistake to have these people question their new (thinking) feelings. To me these other mentors were on co-signing the BS the people were dealing with.
These struggling people didn’t move forward to action and then on to the experiences that should follow - they felt that they got it. This is another example of the ‘easier softer way’ we hear about.
I’m sure that we have all tried treadmill running before. You can maintain it for a while, but in the end you get tired and have to stop. That is what happened to each of these people. One day they each got tired of ‘telling themselves’ how they should feel and felt the reality of how they truly did still feel - since no real change moved into their hearts.
The crux of this revolves around the ‘head to heart’ paradigm. I’ve sure that you heard it in many recovery programs. It is basically about taking your changing thinking and moving it the ‘18 inches’ to having it felt in your heart. I have yet to hear a definitive description of how to do this, but I’ll give you my take here briefly (I‘m writing a long post on this, so you can get more detail soon). To begin to make real changes to what you believe in your heart it takes a 3 basic steps -
1 New thinking >
2 Action (to back up that thinking) >
3 Experience (as a result of these actions) =
New beliefs (in your heart)
The most import part of this is the ‘Experience’ part. The first 2 stages can be done alone and not lead to the experience needed to change the heart. You may ask “How can action not lead to experience?” Well, action taken by someone with a closed mind shuts the door to the awakening experiences needed.
Let me go back to these relapses I started with. The people were stuck in stage 1 (new thinking) They were working on the false belief that just by changing their thinking alone was all that is needed. Unfortunately new thinking is not the complete answer - even though it can fool you into thinking it is!
To maintain their new thinking, I could almost imagine their brains on a treadmill. For example they ‘knew’ that they needed to be positive about life and grateful, so what did they do? They would keep their brains running by telling themselves “I must be positive”, or “I must be grateful” hundreds of times a day. On top of that, they would put on a show to others trying to convince them that they are these things. It reeked of fake and insincere, but I could tell them that. Worse, other recovery people were telling me that it is a mistake to have these people question their new (thinking) feelings. To me these other mentors were on co-signing the BS the people were dealing with.
These struggling people didn’t move forward to action and then on to the experiences that should follow - they felt that they got it. This is another example of the ‘easier softer way’ we hear about.
I’m sure that we have all tried treadmill running before. You can maintain it for a while, but in the end you get tired and have to stop. That is what happened to each of these people. One day they each got tired of ‘telling themselves’ how they should feel and felt the reality of how they truly did still feel - since no real change moved into their hearts.
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