Saturday, March 20, 2010
GET INVOLVED, & smeer on facebook
I love everyones E-mails and other messages sent directly to me, but unless they are of a truely personal nature, put them on the blogs as comments. I am trying to get people involved IN the blog sites. Become a follower of the sites. Post your ideas!!!
Also check out my facebook page -
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=430264765190
Also check out my facebook page -
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=430264765190
KB comment sent to me
Saw your blog post on King Baby - excellent. I was exposed to this at my very 1st rehab. I have shared many times over the years about this analysis. I always summarize King Baby as "addicts are people who never outgrew the total self-centered of the child". Unfortunately, since it is not currently incorporated in most 12 step fellowship literature, many addicts and alcholics haven't had the benefit of this information. I appreciate that you do not support any specific 12 step fellowship as I believe at the end of the day there is only one true membership and this is "Anonymous". One disease, one program for recovery. The 12 steps and the support necessary to maintain the path. Thanks for posting!
HAPPINESS
The person who is able to indulge all his moods and feelings is never happy for long, for most of the time, he is miserable. Our moments of real happiness are glimpses of objectivity, when we somehow rise above the stifling, make-believe world of our subjective desires and feelings.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
KB - A MUST READ PAMPHLET
I don't normally want to post recovery literature directly onto this site, but I have found that many people have never read this before. I believe that this pamphlet is to insightful to not pass on to others.
KING BABY
Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation
The following is the complete pamphlet, but broken down into a series of posts so people can add comments to each section.
KING BABY
Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation
The following is the complete pamphlet, but broken down into a series of posts so people can add comments to each section.
KB part 1
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 1)
About the pamphlet:
This pamphlet discusses the King Baby personality - the childish traits seen in people who have reached adulthood without acquiring emotional maturity. Not only must these traits be surrendered before chemical dependency can be fully arrested, but the presence of this King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse.
About the author:
Tom Cunningham has worked in the chemical dependency field for ten years. He holds a B.A. degree from the University of Minnesota and currently works as an inpatient counselor for chemically dependent adolescents and young adults.
INTRODUCTION
Dr. Harry Tiebout used "His Majesty, the Baby," the words of psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, to describe an inborn attitude. The term King Baby could just as well be Queen Baby, because we all probably have this infantile ego in our unconscious minds. Chemically dependent people must be especially aware of King Baby characteristics; for these attitudes and behaviors can interfere with recovery.
In our Twelve Step programs, we repeatedly see the need and make the attempt to surrender - to turn our lives and our will over to the care of God. We have slogans that emphasize the necessity and rewards of the Third Step: Let Go and Let God, What's Turned Over Turns Out. The recognition of powerlessness is the basis of surrender, but the act of surrendering comes with the total acceptance of that powerlessness. Many of us who have difficulty with the First Step may recognize our powerlessness but be unwilling to accept it. In other words, we are able to see and understand it, but our need for control prevents us from committing ourselves to this very necessary act of surrender. Our egos interfere. Our immaturity demands we retain control. Our King Baby mentality insists we direct our lives and control our wills. In doing so, King Baby obstructs our healthy recovery.
In this pamphlet, we will learn to identify the infantile King Baby ego within us. Our childish personality traits must be surrendered before our disease can be fully arrested. The compulsive King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse. We have to maintain our awareness of these tendencies as we work our Twelve Step recovery program in Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous.
WHO IS KING BABY?
To understand King Baby, let's imagine for a moment we're returning to the womb. Here we feel warmth, security, com-fort, freedom, and power. All our needs are taken care of. We are the center of our universe. We are cared for just because we exist, and we are perfectly content. Infancy also encourages our King Baby attitudes. Our loud demands for food, attention, and care are answered immediately. We are again the center of a vast kingdom; our wishes are all-important. Through the natural maturing processes of childhood and adulthood, most of the King Baby mentality is discarded and replaced by more appropriate coping skills.
Some of us, however, advanced through the stages of physical growth without shedding this immature creature - King Baby. For us, King Baby never forgets the wonderful, warm security of prenatal and infant life and will try again and again to experience it. King Baby strives to recapture the total contentment of every need being met.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 1)
About the pamphlet:
This pamphlet discusses the King Baby personality - the childish traits seen in people who have reached adulthood without acquiring emotional maturity. Not only must these traits be surrendered before chemical dependency can be fully arrested, but the presence of this King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse.
About the author:
Tom Cunningham has worked in the chemical dependency field for ten years. He holds a B.A. degree from the University of Minnesota and currently works as an inpatient counselor for chemically dependent adolescents and young adults.
INTRODUCTION
Dr. Harry Tiebout used "His Majesty, the Baby," the words of psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, to describe an inborn attitude. The term King Baby could just as well be Queen Baby, because we all probably have this infantile ego in our unconscious minds. Chemically dependent people must be especially aware of King Baby characteristics; for these attitudes and behaviors can interfere with recovery.
In our Twelve Step programs, we repeatedly see the need and make the attempt to surrender - to turn our lives and our will over to the care of God. We have slogans that emphasize the necessity and rewards of the Third Step: Let Go and Let God, What's Turned Over Turns Out. The recognition of powerlessness is the basis of surrender, but the act of surrendering comes with the total acceptance of that powerlessness. Many of us who have difficulty with the First Step may recognize our powerlessness but be unwilling to accept it. In other words, we are able to see and understand it, but our need for control prevents us from committing ourselves to this very necessary act of surrender. Our egos interfere. Our immaturity demands we retain control. Our King Baby mentality insists we direct our lives and control our wills. In doing so, King Baby obstructs our healthy recovery.
In this pamphlet, we will learn to identify the infantile King Baby ego within us. Our childish personality traits must be surrendered before our disease can be fully arrested. The compulsive King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse. We have to maintain our awareness of these tendencies as we work our Twelve Step recovery program in Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous.
WHO IS KING BABY?
To understand King Baby, let's imagine for a moment we're returning to the womb. Here we feel warmth, security, com-fort, freedom, and power. All our needs are taken care of. We are the center of our universe. We are cared for just because we exist, and we are perfectly content. Infancy also encourages our King Baby attitudes. Our loud demands for food, attention, and care are answered immediately. We are again the center of a vast kingdom; our wishes are all-important. Through the natural maturing processes of childhood and adulthood, most of the King Baby mentality is discarded and replaced by more appropriate coping skills.
Some of us, however, advanced through the stages of physical growth without shedding this immature creature - King Baby. For us, King Baby never forgets the wonderful, warm security of prenatal and infant life and will try again and again to experience it. King Baby strives to recapture the total contentment of every need being met.
KB part 2
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 2)
KING BABY CHARACTERISTICS
In attempting to regain the security of infancy, King Babies continue to function with the same feelings that gratified them so long ago. Tiebout says that "when infantile traits continue into adulthood, the person is spoken of as immature" and this immaturity is tied to the traits of feelings of omnipotence, inability to accept frustrations, and doing things hurriedly.'
King Babies share a wide range of personality traits. None of us has all of these traits, but we will probably find many that describe us. King Babies may show these characteristics:
1. often become angry at or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way
2. seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process
3. are able to make a good first impression but are unable to follow through
4. have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized
5. have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes
6. are self-rejecting or self-alienated
7. are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied
8. are usually lonely even when surrounded by people 9. are chronic complainers who blame others for what's wrong with their lives
10. feel unappreciated and think they don't fit in
11. see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who "aren't there" for them
12. see everything as a catastrophe, a life-and-death situation
13. judge life in absolutes: black or white, right or wrong
14. live in the past while fearful of the future
15. have strong feelings of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment
16. fear failure and rejection and don't try new things that they might not do well
17. are obsessed with money and material things
18. dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen
19. cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others
20. prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates
21. believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves
22. often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane
23. hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 2)
KING BABY CHARACTERISTICS
In attempting to regain the security of infancy, King Babies continue to function with the same feelings that gratified them so long ago. Tiebout says that "when infantile traits continue into adulthood, the person is spoken of as immature" and this immaturity is tied to the traits of feelings of omnipotence, inability to accept frustrations, and doing things hurriedly.'
King Babies share a wide range of personality traits. None of us has all of these traits, but we will probably find many that describe us. King Babies may show these characteristics:
1. often become angry at or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way
2. seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process
3. are able to make a good first impression but are unable to follow through
4. have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized
5. have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes
6. are self-rejecting or self-alienated
7. are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied
8. are usually lonely even when surrounded by people 9. are chronic complainers who blame others for what's wrong with their lives
10. feel unappreciated and think they don't fit in
11. see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who "aren't there" for them
12. see everything as a catastrophe, a life-and-death situation
13. judge life in absolutes: black or white, right or wrong
14. live in the past while fearful of the future
15. have strong feelings of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment
16. fear failure and rejection and don't try new things that they might not do well
17. are obsessed with money and material things
18. dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen
19. cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others
20. prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates
21. believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves
22. often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane
23. hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings
KB part 3
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 3)
THE FRIGHTENED CHILD AND KING BABY
Within many addicted people is a scared, lonely, shamed boy or girl who whispers self-defeating thoughts based on a lifetime of negative messages. We constantly compare ourselves to others and feel we don't measure up.
These feelings of worthlessness, self-blame, and I-don't-belong become a central part of our personalities. King Baby - a selfish, demanding being - emerges as a reaction to these feelings of shame and inadequacy. As we childishly strive to be accepted and to please other people, we begin to seek things from the outside to feel better inside. Designer clothes, fast cars, attractive girlfriends or boyfriends, drugs, and the excitement of life in the fast lane help salve our pain. We develop attractive, magnetic, charming exteriors to get our way. Pleasure-seeking, power-seeking, and attention-seeking devices are used to fill the void, but the void remains. No amount of love, status, money, or fame is enough for the scared little child in us.
Seeing this as a weakness, the King Baby part of us will try to destroy, attack, and push aside our scared little child. By denying these feelings, King Baby ultimately blocks out the fact that the scared little child exists.
The Inner Struggle
Understanding King Baby is difficult because things are never as they appear on the surface. There are two prime motivating factors: first, the scared, lonely, child who does not want to be hurt anymore and, second, the King Baby who is never satisfied.
When the frightened child in us hears the word no, an inner message tells us we are bad. We feel loved when we are pampered, and unloved when we are disciplined or scolded. When we are criticized, our immaturity insists on the right to have our own way and argues that if we are loved, others should give us our way. Often, our manipulations allow us to win.
Both of these drives - the frightened child and the demanding King Baby - are temporarily satisfied if we create the person we believe others want us to be. However, long-term recovery is based on the scared little child regaining self-worth and learning to control the King Baby behavior.
The Problem
Recovering people usually are aware of the many threats to their sobriety. Twelve Step programs are designed to help us confront and overcome our character defects. Immaturity, a problem for many of us, is a stronghold of the King Baby in each of us. We may need to recognize this defect and overcome it if we are to continue in our recovery.
The King Baby in us tells us we're right - the others are wrong. Many of us have defended our rightness everywhere and anywhere we've felt threatened. King Babies often act as their own Higher Power, making judgment decisions for themselves and others. The King Baby in us tells us we should be able to succeed at anything we want to do. There is a feeling of being destined for greatness.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 3)
THE FRIGHTENED CHILD AND KING BABY
Within many addicted people is a scared, lonely, shamed boy or girl who whispers self-defeating thoughts based on a lifetime of negative messages. We constantly compare ourselves to others and feel we don't measure up.
These feelings of worthlessness, self-blame, and I-don't-belong become a central part of our personalities. King Baby - a selfish, demanding being - emerges as a reaction to these feelings of shame and inadequacy. As we childishly strive to be accepted and to please other people, we begin to seek things from the outside to feel better inside. Designer clothes, fast cars, attractive girlfriends or boyfriends, drugs, and the excitement of life in the fast lane help salve our pain. We develop attractive, magnetic, charming exteriors to get our way. Pleasure-seeking, power-seeking, and attention-seeking devices are used to fill the void, but the void remains. No amount of love, status, money, or fame is enough for the scared little child in us.
Seeing this as a weakness, the King Baby part of us will try to destroy, attack, and push aside our scared little child. By denying these feelings, King Baby ultimately blocks out the fact that the scared little child exists.
The Inner Struggle
Understanding King Baby is difficult because things are never as they appear on the surface. There are two prime motivating factors: first, the scared, lonely, child who does not want to be hurt anymore and, second, the King Baby who is never satisfied.
When the frightened child in us hears the word no, an inner message tells us we are bad. We feel loved when we are pampered, and unloved when we are disciplined or scolded. When we are criticized, our immaturity insists on the right to have our own way and argues that if we are loved, others should give us our way. Often, our manipulations allow us to win.
Both of these drives - the frightened child and the demanding King Baby - are temporarily satisfied if we create the person we believe others want us to be. However, long-term recovery is based on the scared little child regaining self-worth and learning to control the King Baby behavior.
The Problem
Recovering people usually are aware of the many threats to their sobriety. Twelve Step programs are designed to help us confront and overcome our character defects. Immaturity, a problem for many of us, is a stronghold of the King Baby in each of us. We may need to recognize this defect and overcome it if we are to continue in our recovery.
The King Baby in us tells us we're right - the others are wrong. Many of us have defended our rightness everywhere and anywhere we've felt threatened. King Babies often act as their own Higher Power, making judgment decisions for themselves and others. The King Baby in us tells us we should be able to succeed at anything we want to do. There is a feeling of being destined for greatness.
KB part 4
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 4)
THE KING BABY MYTH
The King Baby mentality is driven by three motives - power, attention, and pleasure. By being overly friendly and charming, we try to win friends. We may be clinging. We often try to control or dominate. Almost everything we do has strings attached and creates indebtedness to us. We fear rejection of our real selves, so we present a false, invented person to the world. This protects us from being hurt. Each personality or game we invent is based on a false promise or myth.
Popular Me
Myth: If I am charming, attractive, magnetic, and the life of the party, you will want to be my friend.
Truth: By being all things to all people, we lose our true selves in the process. The end of the game comes when others realize there is nothing behind the phony smiles.
Tyrant/Dictator
Myth: If you obey me and place yourself in my complete control, I will protect you from chaos.
Truth: If we believe we are born leaders capable of handling any crisis, we expect others to trustingly place themselves in our hands. Masters of sarcasm, we keep our subjects in place with cruel comments. The end of the game is when the "subjects" refuse to obey.
The Love Conqueror
Myth: I am irresistible to the opposite sex. Part of my attractiveness is my lack of respect for them. I expect love, attention, wealth, and power for the privilege of my company.
Truth: We are in deadly competition for center stage and are incapable of commitment to a relationship. The end of the game is when others recognize the shallowness of the conqueror.
Beautiful Me
Myth: Youthfulness, a beautiful body, and an attractive face are the essential qualities for me to be liked and accepted.
Truth: We have tried to get by on looks alone. The end of the game is when others tire of the child who requires continuous reassurance of his or her attractiveness.
The Entertainer
Myth: If I can entertain you with my music, my wit, or any other talent, you will worship and adore me.
Truth: We experience acceptance only if others rave about our talents and seek our company in order to be entertained. The game is up when others tire of always having to be a fan or realize we have no warm, human qualities to contribute to a relationship.
The Perfectionist
Myth: I am not worthwhile unless I succeed at being the best in what I do.
Truth: No one is always the best or the most successful, but we try to gain self-worth by specializing in doing certain things well. The end of the game comes either
when we realize the futility of such high expectations or when others tire of our competitiveness.
Sweetums
Myth: If I am nice and sweet to everyone, they will like me. Truth: Our fear of rejection causes us to constantly seek approval from everyone., The end of the game is when we realize we can't make everyone happy or when others tire of our wishy-washy attitudes.
The Rebel
Myth: I must get my way or else. Rules are for other people. If you tell me not to do something, you are waving a red flag in my face and challenging me to do it.
Truth: We rebels usually get the consequences or punishment we deserve or ask for. The end of the game is when we weary of paying the price the outlaw must pay and abandon this behavior.
The Martyr
Myth: I deserve to suffer. I don't count. Nobody understands. Poor me. I see your pity as an expression of love.
Truth: We confuse love with pity and believe sacrificing ourselves will protect us from abandonment. The end of the game is when we get tired of suffering and
realize we deserve better.
The Dropout
Myth: If you won't play the game my way, I won't play the game at all.
Truth: Paralyzed by fear of failure and rejection, we attempt nothing and feel the world owes us. We are so discouraged and pessimistic, we give up before we even start. The end of the game comes when others get tired of providing a free ride.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 4)
THE KING BABY MYTH
The King Baby mentality is driven by three motives - power, attention, and pleasure. By being overly friendly and charming, we try to win friends. We may be clinging. We often try to control or dominate. Almost everything we do has strings attached and creates indebtedness to us. We fear rejection of our real selves, so we present a false, invented person to the world. This protects us from being hurt. Each personality or game we invent is based on a false promise or myth.
Popular Me
Myth: If I am charming, attractive, magnetic, and the life of the party, you will want to be my friend.
Truth: By being all things to all people, we lose our true selves in the process. The end of the game comes when others realize there is nothing behind the phony smiles.
Tyrant/Dictator
Myth: If you obey me and place yourself in my complete control, I will protect you from chaos.
Truth: If we believe we are born leaders capable of handling any crisis, we expect others to trustingly place themselves in our hands. Masters of sarcasm, we keep our subjects in place with cruel comments. The end of the game is when the "subjects" refuse to obey.
The Love Conqueror
Myth: I am irresistible to the opposite sex. Part of my attractiveness is my lack of respect for them. I expect love, attention, wealth, and power for the privilege of my company.
Truth: We are in deadly competition for center stage and are incapable of commitment to a relationship. The end of the game is when others recognize the shallowness of the conqueror.
Beautiful Me
Myth: Youthfulness, a beautiful body, and an attractive face are the essential qualities for me to be liked and accepted.
Truth: We have tried to get by on looks alone. The end of the game is when others tire of the child who requires continuous reassurance of his or her attractiveness.
The Entertainer
Myth: If I can entertain you with my music, my wit, or any other talent, you will worship and adore me.
Truth: We experience acceptance only if others rave about our talents and seek our company in order to be entertained. The game is up when others tire of always having to be a fan or realize we have no warm, human qualities to contribute to a relationship.
The Perfectionist
Myth: I am not worthwhile unless I succeed at being the best in what I do.
Truth: No one is always the best or the most successful, but we try to gain self-worth by specializing in doing certain things well. The end of the game comes either
when we realize the futility of such high expectations or when others tire of our competitiveness.
Sweetums
Myth: If I am nice and sweet to everyone, they will like me. Truth: Our fear of rejection causes us to constantly seek approval from everyone., The end of the game is when we realize we can't make everyone happy or when others tire of our wishy-washy attitudes.
The Rebel
Myth: I must get my way or else. Rules are for other people. If you tell me not to do something, you are waving a red flag in my face and challenging me to do it.
Truth: We rebels usually get the consequences or punishment we deserve or ask for. The end of the game is when we weary of paying the price the outlaw must pay and abandon this behavior.
The Martyr
Myth: I deserve to suffer. I don't count. Nobody understands. Poor me. I see your pity as an expression of love.
Truth: We confuse love with pity and believe sacrificing ourselves will protect us from abandonment. The end of the game is when we get tired of suffering and
realize we deserve better.
The Dropout
Myth: If you won't play the game my way, I won't play the game at all.
Truth: Paralyzed by fear of failure and rejection, we attempt nothing and feel the world owes us. We are so discouraged and pessimistic, we give up before we even start. The end of the game comes when others get tired of providing a free ride.
KB part 5
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 5)
THE FATAL COMBINATION
Addicted to a life of excess and driven by feelings of low self-worth, an immature person's life is frustrating and unrewarding, but not necessarily fatal. But something happens to the chemically dependent person when the King Baby lifestyle and low self-worth are combined with the experience of getting high. This "something" can be a fatal combination. That warm, comfortable, confident feeling of infancy - something we have been looking for all our lives - is captured again. The comforting, fear-dispelling effects of a chemical are exactly what our King Baby egos have been searching for. As the love affair with getting high takes over, all aspects of our lives progressively slip into more excessive, immature behavior.
THE CATALYST
The King Baby defense system of denying almost any problem is already well established, and it accelerates the chemically dependent person's descent to the bottom. The enemy is within us, and our drug use releases the pent-up frustrations, angers, resentments, fears, and doubts like a rocket ship taking off for the moon. The wonderful feeling of the womb returns, and the Baby is radiant within and without, excited and confident about this newfound high.
The ego becomes a raving maniac demanding to be constantly fed in a series of fun parties and excitement that speeds us through the progression of chemical dependency at a record pace. We become chemically dependent quickly, reaching bottom in a fraction of the time it took our elders.
Blinded by the wonderful feeling of that perfect high, the Baby in us throws away what's left of a conscience and value system. Having a set of built-in blinders, earplugs, and tunnel vision for our delusion and denial system, we are able to remain totally ignorant of how far we have gone.
SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED
Exhausted from a lifestyle of needing everything in a hurry, scheming to win, frantically trying to gain the upper hand, fearing outcomes and endings, and trying to be all things to all people, the Baby in us often comes to a screeching halt.
When that sick, panicky feeling of butterflies in the stomach becomes a raging fear and terror that totally consumes us, we hit bottom. The Baby cannot imagine life without chemicals and is fearful of going on and on in this never- ' ending rat race. Locked into the pattern of this repeated
behavior and never trying anything different, King Baby is too paralyzed by fear to face the next day. Recovery can be delayed by the immature ego which still insists on being right - "I can do anything. I don't need help." Timing is everything, for now the Baby is vulnerable and can be helped.
ADMIT DEFEAT, FACE REALITY
Admitting our way didn't work and facing failure will open the floodgates to a world of pain. In an instant our King Baby will go from feeling we need help to feeling hopeless, from being optimistic to believing we can't change. We will stay stuck in our swamp of despair waiting to be rescued while demanding a guaranteed blueprint for success before we will face our fears and begin to act. At this time, we can accept the hand of A.A. or N.A. reaching out to us in the form of another King Baby alcoholic or drug addict, reassuring us the Twelve Steps work. Before the First Step is taken, King Baby needs the hope of "If others can do it, so can L"
The way out of the King Baby trap is "I Can't, We Can" thinking. Surrendering to the Twelve Step way of life can harness the power of King Baby and can help us find a Higher Power that will work for us.
We can learn the true meaning of forgiveness, humility, and gratitude. We can learn to avoid the pitfalls of King Baby and tune into the Twelve Steps. We can learn to have fun again while gaining a new, deeper understanding of life.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 5)
THE FATAL COMBINATION
Addicted to a life of excess and driven by feelings of low self-worth, an immature person's life is frustrating and unrewarding, but not necessarily fatal. But something happens to the chemically dependent person when the King Baby lifestyle and low self-worth are combined with the experience of getting high. This "something" can be a fatal combination. That warm, comfortable, confident feeling of infancy - something we have been looking for all our lives - is captured again. The comforting, fear-dispelling effects of a chemical are exactly what our King Baby egos have been searching for. As the love affair with getting high takes over, all aspects of our lives progressively slip into more excessive, immature behavior.
THE CATALYST
The King Baby defense system of denying almost any problem is already well established, and it accelerates the chemically dependent person's descent to the bottom. The enemy is within us, and our drug use releases the pent-up frustrations, angers, resentments, fears, and doubts like a rocket ship taking off for the moon. The wonderful feeling of the womb returns, and the Baby is radiant within and without, excited and confident about this newfound high.
The ego becomes a raving maniac demanding to be constantly fed in a series of fun parties and excitement that speeds us through the progression of chemical dependency at a record pace. We become chemically dependent quickly, reaching bottom in a fraction of the time it took our elders.
Blinded by the wonderful feeling of that perfect high, the Baby in us throws away what's left of a conscience and value system. Having a set of built-in blinders, earplugs, and tunnel vision for our delusion and denial system, we are able to remain totally ignorant of how far we have gone.
SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED
Exhausted from a lifestyle of needing everything in a hurry, scheming to win, frantically trying to gain the upper hand, fearing outcomes and endings, and trying to be all things to all people, the Baby in us often comes to a screeching halt.
When that sick, panicky feeling of butterflies in the stomach becomes a raging fear and terror that totally consumes us, we hit bottom. The Baby cannot imagine life without chemicals and is fearful of going on and on in this never- ' ending rat race. Locked into the pattern of this repeated
behavior and never trying anything different, King Baby is too paralyzed by fear to face the next day. Recovery can be delayed by the immature ego which still insists on being right - "I can do anything. I don't need help." Timing is everything, for now the Baby is vulnerable and can be helped.
ADMIT DEFEAT, FACE REALITY
Admitting our way didn't work and facing failure will open the floodgates to a world of pain. In an instant our King Baby will go from feeling we need help to feeling hopeless, from being optimistic to believing we can't change. We will stay stuck in our swamp of despair waiting to be rescued while demanding a guaranteed blueprint for success before we will face our fears and begin to act. At this time, we can accept the hand of A.A. or N.A. reaching out to us in the form of another King Baby alcoholic or drug addict, reassuring us the Twelve Steps work. Before the First Step is taken, King Baby needs the hope of "If others can do it, so can L"
The way out of the King Baby trap is "I Can't, We Can" thinking. Surrendering to the Twelve Step way of life can harness the power of King Baby and can help us find a Higher Power that will work for us.
We can learn the true meaning of forgiveness, humility, and gratitude. We can learn to avoid the pitfalls of King Baby and tune into the Twelve Steps. We can learn to have fun again while gaining a new, deeper understanding of life.
KB part 6
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 6)
HEALING OUR SCARED LITTLE CHILD
Using all the love and support from our Twelve Step group, . we must begin an inward journey to meet that scared "bad" boy or girl part of us, so long ignored. We can let ourselves imagine walking into his or her room and seeing the child huddled and crying in the corner. We can become loving, caring parents to that child within each of us. As any parent would do, we encourage the child to come, sit close, and to explain what is wrong. Then by holding that child, saying "It's all right," and gently wiping away the tears, we can let this youngster know that he or she is loved, is a beautiful human being, and is safe.
THE NURTURING WITHIN A.A. AND N.A.
A soft, warm, secure feeling exists in Twelve Step groups and it reaches out to newcomers with the message "You are loved just because you exist, and I will love you even before you become lovable." This is the promise of A.A. and N.A. - love with no strings. The only expectation is a sincere desire to stop drinking or using. This is the warm, radiant womb that the Baby has been looking for all along. The warm, caring Twelve Step family is genuine and stands in sharp contrast to the false security of alcohol and other drugs.
SELF-LOVE
Slowly, the recovering Baby begins to gain self-respect through the Twelve Steps. It's hard work changing one's whole life, but A.A. and N.A. are always there as guides. In these programs, an awareness of personal dignity begins to bloom. It happens through self-discovery, self-discipline, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. Gradually the scared little child takes the opportunity to develop self-love.
TO LOVE AND BE LOVED
It makes no difference if the people in our Twelve Step groups loved us before we loved ourselves. The key is that now we are loving ourselves more. Gradually, we will explore and discover all the wonderful assets we have.
It's like a celebration for a sponsor to watch a sponsee discover his or her wonderful and unique talents. Each one learns from the other while going through the trials of early sobriety. Sponsors do this so they can stay sober; but, in doing so, they reinforce all that they have learned. Watching the newcomer come alive again is a thrill that is reward enough.
FREEDOM
Coming alive again with a sense of self-dignity and becoming connected with a sponsor will prepare us for the next stage.
Our immaturity has forced us to spend our lives attracting outside power to feel good inside. Selling ourselves for a smile was slavery. Good feelings do not come from people, places, or things, but from the inside.
Reclaiming personal power comes by first admitting powerlessness over others. We all need to take responsibility for our own self-worth and dignity. Self-worth does not depend upon what others say or do, but instead on how a person reacts to what others say or do. There are choices about the way to
react. Reacting with fear, anger, or resentment tends to make a person feel worthless. Accepting the fact that everyone is not going to agree with us, and perhaps not even like us, is reality.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 6)
HEALING OUR SCARED LITTLE CHILD
Using all the love and support from our Twelve Step group, . we must begin an inward journey to meet that scared "bad" boy or girl part of us, so long ignored. We can let ourselves imagine walking into his or her room and seeing the child huddled and crying in the corner. We can become loving, caring parents to that child within each of us. As any parent would do, we encourage the child to come, sit close, and to explain what is wrong. Then by holding that child, saying "It's all right," and gently wiping away the tears, we can let this youngster know that he or she is loved, is a beautiful human being, and is safe.
THE NURTURING WITHIN A.A. AND N.A.
A soft, warm, secure feeling exists in Twelve Step groups and it reaches out to newcomers with the message "You are loved just because you exist, and I will love you even before you become lovable." This is the promise of A.A. and N.A. - love with no strings. The only expectation is a sincere desire to stop drinking or using. This is the warm, radiant womb that the Baby has been looking for all along. The warm, caring Twelve Step family is genuine and stands in sharp contrast to the false security of alcohol and other drugs.
SELF-LOVE
Slowly, the recovering Baby begins to gain self-respect through the Twelve Steps. It's hard work changing one's whole life, but A.A. and N.A. are always there as guides. In these programs, an awareness of personal dignity begins to bloom. It happens through self-discovery, self-discipline, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. Gradually the scared little child takes the opportunity to develop self-love.
TO LOVE AND BE LOVED
It makes no difference if the people in our Twelve Step groups loved us before we loved ourselves. The key is that now we are loving ourselves more. Gradually, we will explore and discover all the wonderful assets we have.
It's like a celebration for a sponsor to watch a sponsee discover his or her wonderful and unique talents. Each one learns from the other while going through the trials of early sobriety. Sponsors do this so they can stay sober; but, in doing so, they reinforce all that they have learned. Watching the newcomer come alive again is a thrill that is reward enough.
FREEDOM
Coming alive again with a sense of self-dignity and becoming connected with a sponsor will prepare us for the next stage.
Our immaturity has forced us to spend our lives attracting outside power to feel good inside. Selling ourselves for a smile was slavery. Good feelings do not come from people, places, or things, but from the inside.
Reclaiming personal power comes by first admitting powerlessness over others. We all need to take responsibility for our own self-worth and dignity. Self-worth does not depend upon what others say or do, but instead on how a person reacts to what others say or do. There are choices about the way to
react. Reacting with fear, anger, or resentment tends to make a person feel worthless. Accepting the fact that everyone is not going to agree with us, and perhaps not even like us, is reality.
KB part 7
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 7)
SURRENDER: BE GOD OR BELIEVE IN GOD
It's quite a relief to be free from trying to run the whole universe. In surrendering, we turn the job back to a Higher Power who, in turn, fills our souls with the warmth, comfort, and serenity we've been seeking so long. Once again it is similar to the feelings of the womb.
Before Surrender After Surrender
frustrated - safe
angry - cared for
tense - relaxed
nervous - grateful
cornered - open
panicky - teachable
afraid - willing
guilty - honest
ashamed - hopeful
uncertain - peaceful
defeated - serene
resentful - tolerant
empty - full
FORGIVENESS
God doesn't make junk. Each one of us is a special and unique person - a somebody, not a nobody. In all the world there is not another one like us. We must become fascinated by ourselves and realize how tough we are. The King Babies within us have developed a wide variety of strengths coupled with God-given talents, and we must learn to appreciate those strengths. We can learn from the past and let it go. We can stop being judge, jury, and executioner condemning ourselves. We know our Higher Power forgives us. Now it is time to let Him. We must stop judging ourselves and get out of His way.
HUMILITY
"Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way." When Mac Davis sang that song, King Babies everywhere blushed, knowing he was singing about them. It is now obvious that pride is a large part of the King Baby problem. What we need to learn is that pride can be positive. Humility is not being meek and fearful. Rather, humility is an acceptance of being equal, not better or worse. To be equal is to also be honest, open, and vulnerable, which is difficult but now possible. Feeling free to be ourselves, we can face reality. Humility helps us to be teachable and flexible. To continue growing and avoid relapse, humility must be constantly maintained.
GUILT
King Baby's guilt machine, or conscience, is broken. King Babies whitewash their behaviors and lose their value systems in the process. Realizing this, they overreact and beat themselves constantly for being human. Until the King Baby in us finds a balance and a new set of values, we will need to rely heavily on our sponsors. A good rule of thumb is if we feel guilty, we shouldn't do it. We need to find out what we believe in and live by it.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 7)
SURRENDER: BE GOD OR BELIEVE IN GOD
It's quite a relief to be free from trying to run the whole universe. In surrendering, we turn the job back to a Higher Power who, in turn, fills our souls with the warmth, comfort, and serenity we've been seeking so long. Once again it is similar to the feelings of the womb.
Before Surrender After Surrender
frustrated - safe
angry - cared for
tense - relaxed
nervous - grateful
cornered - open
panicky - teachable
afraid - willing
guilty - honest
ashamed - hopeful
uncertain - peaceful
defeated - serene
resentful - tolerant
empty - full
FORGIVENESS
God doesn't make junk. Each one of us is a special and unique person - a somebody, not a nobody. In all the world there is not another one like us. We must become fascinated by ourselves and realize how tough we are. The King Babies within us have developed a wide variety of strengths coupled with God-given talents, and we must learn to appreciate those strengths. We can learn from the past and let it go. We can stop being judge, jury, and executioner condemning ourselves. We know our Higher Power forgives us. Now it is time to let Him. We must stop judging ourselves and get out of His way.
HUMILITY
"Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way." When Mac Davis sang that song, King Babies everywhere blushed, knowing he was singing about them. It is now obvious that pride is a large part of the King Baby problem. What we need to learn is that pride can be positive. Humility is not being meek and fearful. Rather, humility is an acceptance of being equal, not better or worse. To be equal is to also be honest, open, and vulnerable, which is difficult but now possible. Feeling free to be ourselves, we can face reality. Humility helps us to be teachable and flexible. To continue growing and avoid relapse, humility must be constantly maintained.
GUILT
King Baby's guilt machine, or conscience, is broken. King Babies whitewash their behaviors and lose their value systems in the process. Realizing this, they overreact and beat themselves constantly for being human. Until the King Baby in us finds a balance and a new set of values, we will need to rely heavily on our sponsors. A good rule of thumb is if we feel guilty, we shouldn't do it. We need to find out what we believe in and live by it.
KB part 8
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 8)
USING OUR ADDICTIVE PERSONALITIES
We know we have addictive personalities. Why not try being addicted to something that is positive for us? We can pick some mini-goals or things that we can do each day. We can develop a fun, positive, even passionate love affair with some kind of exercise program. If we want to, we can go back to school.
DEVELOPING A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR HIGHER POWER
We should ask ourselves what kind of a Higher Power we have, and how we are going to contact Him as we read our daily meditations. We can pick a theme to live each day by, remembering that a positive attitude is not automatic, but comes from practice and hard work. The more our expectations are lowered, the more our serenity increases. We can practice acceptance of ourselves and others.
DAILY INVENTORY
Each evening we should record the positive things we did and the good things that happened to us. This focuses on giving ourselves some credit for what we accomplish. We can gently review our mistakes and promptly admit where we were wrong.
RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX
Our recovery is seriously jeopardized by getting into a relationship too soon. While hurting with the growth pain of recovery, the King Baby in us often seeks new relationships to ease the pain of growth. If allowed to happen it is like a moth being drawn to the flame, and King Baby too often creates an addictive relationship, using the relationship like a drug high. This puts our recovery on hold, or - even worse - it may encourage relapse. Our immaturity may have prevented us from knowing what a healthy relationship is or how to have one. All we have known is to possess, invade, demand, attack, and conquer. We love the honeymoon but have been incapable of sustaining the nuts and bolts of a relationship. The powerful emotions of a new relationship could cause us to lose our newfound sobriety.
"YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE," THE SPEAKER SAID
Imagine for a moment a permanent stereo headset with one ear listening to King Baby and the other listening to A.A. Our call letters will be K-BABY and W -AA for the "we" in A.A. We have a choice to tune in either K-BABY or W -AA. K-BABY represents stinking thinking or the thoughts that will lead us to relapse while W -AA represents recovery. If we challenge K-BABY thinking and tune in W -AA, we can begin to change our behaviors.
The King Baby Stinking Thinking Versus the Slogans of A.A./N.A.
(K-BABY Stinking Thinking - W-AA Slogans)
Living in the past and worrying about the future - One day at a time
Continuing to run away from fears and apprehensions - Easy does it
Trying to handle it my way - Let go and let God
Overreacting when things don't happen the way I think they should - Live and let live
Trying to rewrite the Big Book, the Steps, and the Traditions -- choosing the parts I want to work - If it works, don't fix it
Forgetting that staying sober and A.A./N.A. are my number-one priorities - First things first
Complicating it into "analysis paralysis" - Keep it simple
Taking others' inventory, pointing out when they're wrong - Take your own inventory
Little white lies are okay - It's an honest program
Justifying grudges and holding on to them - Don't carry resentments
Telling people what you think they want to hear - Tell it like it is
Compare the Symptoms of Relapse to the Principles of A.A./N.A.
(K-BABY Symptoms of Relapse W-AA Principles)
Dishonesty - Honesty
Doubt - Hope
Procrastination - Action
Fear - Courage
Taking the easy way out - Integrity
Complacency - Willingness
Cockiness - Humility
Expecting too much from others - Brotherly love
Letting up on discipline - Self-discipline
Quitting the meetings - Perseverance
Forgetting gratitude Omnipotence - Spiritual awareness Service
THE ATTITUDE IS GRATITUDE
Eventually, we learn to take on the task of supporting, nourishing, and stroking our scared little child. We even make a truce with the King Baby part of ourselves and become able to monitor what is going on within. It never occurred to King Baby that a person could be self-disciplined and live a normal life and still be really turned on and alive. We now can develop an inner serenity King Baby never thought possible.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 8)
USING OUR ADDICTIVE PERSONALITIES
We know we have addictive personalities. Why not try being addicted to something that is positive for us? We can pick some mini-goals or things that we can do each day. We can develop a fun, positive, even passionate love affair with some kind of exercise program. If we want to, we can go back to school.
DEVELOPING A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR HIGHER POWER
We should ask ourselves what kind of a Higher Power we have, and how we are going to contact Him as we read our daily meditations. We can pick a theme to live each day by, remembering that a positive attitude is not automatic, but comes from practice and hard work. The more our expectations are lowered, the more our serenity increases. We can practice acceptance of ourselves and others.
DAILY INVENTORY
Each evening we should record the positive things we did and the good things that happened to us. This focuses on giving ourselves some credit for what we accomplish. We can gently review our mistakes and promptly admit where we were wrong.
RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX
Our recovery is seriously jeopardized by getting into a relationship too soon. While hurting with the growth pain of recovery, the King Baby in us often seeks new relationships to ease the pain of growth. If allowed to happen it is like a moth being drawn to the flame, and King Baby too often creates an addictive relationship, using the relationship like a drug high. This puts our recovery on hold, or - even worse - it may encourage relapse. Our immaturity may have prevented us from knowing what a healthy relationship is or how to have one. All we have known is to possess, invade, demand, attack, and conquer. We love the honeymoon but have been incapable of sustaining the nuts and bolts of a relationship. The powerful emotions of a new relationship could cause us to lose our newfound sobriety.
"YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE," THE SPEAKER SAID
Imagine for a moment a permanent stereo headset with one ear listening to King Baby and the other listening to A.A. Our call letters will be K-BABY and W -AA for the "we" in A.A. We have a choice to tune in either K-BABY or W -AA. K-BABY represents stinking thinking or the thoughts that will lead us to relapse while W -AA represents recovery. If we challenge K-BABY thinking and tune in W -AA, we can begin to change our behaviors.
The King Baby Stinking Thinking Versus the Slogans of A.A./N.A.
(K-BABY Stinking Thinking - W-AA Slogans)
Living in the past and worrying about the future - One day at a time
Continuing to run away from fears and apprehensions - Easy does it
Trying to handle it my way - Let go and let God
Overreacting when things don't happen the way I think they should - Live and let live
Trying to rewrite the Big Book, the Steps, and the Traditions -- choosing the parts I want to work - If it works, don't fix it
Forgetting that staying sober and A.A./N.A. are my number-one priorities - First things first
Complicating it into "analysis paralysis" - Keep it simple
Taking others' inventory, pointing out when they're wrong - Take your own inventory
Little white lies are okay - It's an honest program
Justifying grudges and holding on to them - Don't carry resentments
Telling people what you think they want to hear - Tell it like it is
Compare the Symptoms of Relapse to the Principles of A.A./N.A.
(K-BABY Symptoms of Relapse W-AA Principles)
Dishonesty - Honesty
Doubt - Hope
Procrastination - Action
Fear - Courage
Taking the easy way out - Integrity
Complacency - Willingness
Cockiness - Humility
Expecting too much from others - Brotherly love
Letting up on discipline - Self-discipline
Quitting the meetings - Perseverance
Forgetting gratitude Omnipotence - Spiritual awareness Service
THE ATTITUDE IS GRATITUDE
Eventually, we learn to take on the task of supporting, nourishing, and stroking our scared little child. We even make a truce with the King Baby part of ourselves and become able to monitor what is going on within. It never occurred to King Baby that a person could be self-disciplined and live a normal life and still be really turned on and alive. We now can develop an inner serenity King Baby never thought possible.
KB part 9
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 9)
There's a beautiful poem called "The Request and the Response" that describes the feelings King Baby has when he realizes that through all this suffering he has been most richly blessed.
The Request and the Response
(A Universal Prayer of Thanksgiving)
I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things. I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I had hoped for, Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered, I am among all men, most richly blessed.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 9)
There's a beautiful poem called "The Request and the Response" that describes the feelings King Baby has when he realizes that through all this suffering he has been most richly blessed.
The Request and the Response
(A Universal Prayer of Thanksgiving)
I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things. I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I had hoped for, Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered, I am among all men, most richly blessed.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
ROADBLOCKS TO CHANGE part 2 excuses
I got one nugget of advice that I know from experience has helped me solve a lot of problems that I had found myself trapped in. Before I tried to do this, I was stuck in bad places for long periods of time. Its kind of like a cure-all out of many self-imposed problems. -
I was often trapped in problems by my own excuses. Because important options are eliminated, there becomes NO workable solution. Amazingly, many of the excuses were part of the building blocks that formed, and maintained the actual problem in the first place (though I didn’t see it at the time). Ideas like “can’t” need to be looked at with suspect..
What did I mean by can’t? Did I mean that it was actually impossible, or just that I didn’t feel as though I was able or willing enough to do it.
I made a list to re-examine my list of excuses. First thing I did was eliminate what was truly 100% impossible (going back in time, changing other people, overcoming real concrete physical limitations, ect. ect.). Surprisingly, that didn’t get rid of that many. Most of the excuses left were determined by my perceived conceptions of my abilities and willingness. Abilities can almost always be improved, it usually just take willingness (determination) to do it. So, all of the focus is now on willingness. Why was I not willing to try this solution?
Its too emotionally stressful to attempt.
Its too expensive.
I’m not determined enough.
I don’t want to go through with what I must to do it.
I’m probably not physically able.
There is no workable compromise.
Sometimes my problem developed into a full-blown crisis, like crippling drug addiction. It took a long time to reach the intense level of desperation that it took, but eventually I was forced to re-define what I was willing to do. Great movers in history show example to the potential of willingness, especially willingness created out of desperation. Once forced to test my willingness. I discovered I had the willingness needed. [see my previous post READY TO CHANGE] Its just a shame that I waited so long, and that things had to get so bad. And I was lucky, all moments of desperation do not lead to happy endings. Suicide was certainly an option for me more than once.
I’ve learned now to try to find my way out of a situation before it has to become a desperate crisis. There’s nothing worse than the times when I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into despair. That’s why I make the excuse list. Now I try to find a ways to seriously consider and test the truth of the excuses that are determined by perceived willingness. Here is how I force myself to do this - I think about the choices I’m not considering because I think I can’t (am not willing). I Imagine what if I WAS willing to go through what I had to do and what it would lead to. Now I’m focusing on the prize, not the excuses. I can see the better life waiting for me. It probably isn’t the perfect life, I may have to lose much to get there, but it will give me much more peace of mind (I will have gotten past this current bad situation). From there, a whole new world of possibilities can spring up. My future gives me hope again.
I was often trapped in problems by my own excuses. Because important options are eliminated, there becomes NO workable solution. Amazingly, many of the excuses were part of the building blocks that formed, and maintained the actual problem in the first place (though I didn’t see it at the time). Ideas like “can’t” need to be looked at with suspect..
What did I mean by can’t? Did I mean that it was actually impossible, or just that I didn’t feel as though I was able or willing enough to do it.
I made a list to re-examine my list of excuses. First thing I did was eliminate what was truly 100% impossible (going back in time, changing other people, overcoming real concrete physical limitations, ect. ect.). Surprisingly, that didn’t get rid of that many. Most of the excuses left were determined by my perceived conceptions of my abilities and willingness. Abilities can almost always be improved, it usually just take willingness (determination) to do it. So, all of the focus is now on willingness. Why was I not willing to try this solution?
Its too emotionally stressful to attempt.
Its too expensive.
I’m not determined enough.
I don’t want to go through with what I must to do it.
I’m probably not physically able.
There is no workable compromise.
Sometimes my problem developed into a full-blown crisis, like crippling drug addiction. It took a long time to reach the intense level of desperation that it took, but eventually I was forced to re-define what I was willing to do. Great movers in history show example to the potential of willingness, especially willingness created out of desperation. Once forced to test my willingness. I discovered I had the willingness needed. [see my previous post READY TO CHANGE] Its just a shame that I waited so long, and that things had to get so bad. And I was lucky, all moments of desperation do not lead to happy endings. Suicide was certainly an option for me more than once.
I’ve learned now to try to find my way out of a situation before it has to become a desperate crisis. There’s nothing worse than the times when I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into despair. That’s why I make the excuse list. Now I try to find a ways to seriously consider and test the truth of the excuses that are determined by perceived willingness. Here is how I force myself to do this - I think about the choices I’m not considering because I think I can’t (am not willing). I Imagine what if I WAS willing to go through what I had to do and what it would lead to. Now I’m focusing on the prize, not the excuses. I can see the better life waiting for me. It probably isn’t the perfect life, I may have to lose much to get there, but it will give me much more peace of mind (I will have gotten past this current bad situation). From there, a whole new world of possibilities can spring up. My future gives me hope again.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
CAUSES OF A BAD FUNK
I've been in a bad funk the last few weeks, but thanks to something I heard at a recovery meeting last night I got insight as to how to address my problem. This is also helpful for anyone - not just addicts & alcoholics.
If you feel troubled or distirbed about something there are a few reasons why that may be-
1 You don't want to be honest with yourself about something.
2 There is some situation in your life you don't want to accept.
3 You want to re-open the debate over the fact that you have no chance of control over whatever self-destructive behavior you used to indulge in that gave you temporary relief from your problems.
4 You want to run your life by your will and not turning to the care of God and trying to follow His will for you.
If you feel troubled or distirbed about something there are a few reasons why that may be-
1 You don't want to be honest with yourself about something.
2 There is some situation in your life you don't want to accept.
3 You want to re-open the debate over the fact that you have no chance of control over whatever self-destructive behavior you used to indulge in that gave you temporary relief from your problems.
4 You want to run your life by your will and not turning to the care of God and trying to follow His will for you.
Monday, March 8, 2010
TRUE SURRENDER
For a long time I had a misunderstanding of what means to surrender. A number of times my self-destructive behavior led me to a point of desperation where I was able to say that I was ready to surrender. At those times I thought that I did surrender, but did I really? Sometimes it took weeks, or months, a few times more than a year, but eventually I went back to thinking that it was a fight that could be won. I believed that I had learned from the mistakes that brought me to my knees and formulated a new master plan.
Sometimes I try to explain this mind-set that I had by using the analogy of a wrestling match. During the match, the other wrestler gets me down on the mat in a choke hold. I’m pinned down and can’t move or breathe, so I surrender. The match is over. Once I get up and can breath again, my strength returns. I’m mad and frustrated because I’m ready start wrestling this guy again. Its now hard to imagine why I had given up at the time. Did I really surrender, or just give up? Is there a difference between the two?
I believe that there is, and the way that I understand it now has given me much more serenity in my life. Looking back, at times when I thought that I surrendered, I see that I was just giving up for that moment. The fight is actually not taken out of me, I was just denied the option of continuing the fight for the moment. I was not surrendering with free choice. To embrace the gift of what surrender truly is, it must be made by freely choosing it. The decision to surrender should not be based on ones current state of weakness, even though one usually doesn’t even begin to consider it as a real option until stuck in such a position. This is where my misunderstanding developed, I connected weakness with surrender. What happens then when one begins to reap the rewards of “surrender” (giving up), and then begins to gain strength back? True surrender must come from embracing the fact that fighting is not the solution. The contest can never be won by power/control vs. power/control. This is a no-win situation. The solution lies outside of this mindset.
Want to put a big change in your life? This surrender that I'm talking about has to do with surrendering your own will to a higher power outside of yourself. I may have used surrender in the pretext of recovery, but this is something that certainly relates to everyone. Pride and total self-reliance hinder everyone from living a better life. Try applying this new mindset to many situations you face in life. There are many times where we fight against things that can not be changed or fought alone, no matter what we do. Yet, we still fight. Many things in life must be faced on life’s own terms. Learn acceptance, humility, and faith.
Sometimes I try to explain this mind-set that I had by using the analogy of a wrestling match. During the match, the other wrestler gets me down on the mat in a choke hold. I’m pinned down and can’t move or breathe, so I surrender. The match is over. Once I get up and can breath again, my strength returns. I’m mad and frustrated because I’m ready start wrestling this guy again. Its now hard to imagine why I had given up at the time. Did I really surrender, or just give up? Is there a difference between the two?
I believe that there is, and the way that I understand it now has given me much more serenity in my life. Looking back, at times when I thought that I surrendered, I see that I was just giving up for that moment. The fight is actually not taken out of me, I was just denied the option of continuing the fight for the moment. I was not surrendering with free choice. To embrace the gift of what surrender truly is, it must be made by freely choosing it. The decision to surrender should not be based on ones current state of weakness, even though one usually doesn’t even begin to consider it as a real option until stuck in such a position. This is where my misunderstanding developed, I connected weakness with surrender. What happens then when one begins to reap the rewards of “surrender” (giving up), and then begins to gain strength back? True surrender must come from embracing the fact that fighting is not the solution. The contest can never be won by power/control vs. power/control. This is a no-win situation. The solution lies outside of this mindset.
Want to put a big change in your life? This surrender that I'm talking about has to do with surrendering your own will to a higher power outside of yourself. I may have used surrender in the pretext of recovery, but this is something that certainly relates to everyone. Pride and total self-reliance hinder everyone from living a better life. Try applying this new mindset to many situations you face in life. There are many times where we fight against things that can not be changed or fought alone, no matter what we do. Yet, we still fight. Many things in life must be faced on life’s own terms. Learn acceptance, humility, and faith.
Friday, March 5, 2010
SELF-DISCIPLINE
I was at a meeting last night and the topic was self discipline. Although I know that this is a very important quality for anyone trying to live a productive life, I felt uncomfortable with the way that everyone was praising it as the greatest thing since sliced bread. Let me see if I can explain my concerns over this to you here.
To be in recovery (or any form of self-improvement), there is a lot of personal change involved. There are many different tools that one would normally use to affect a change in themselves. Self-discipline is certainly one of them, but I fear that it is a tool that can be problematic if used too extensively. It should be something that you turn to when you need a little extra support, but not a crutch to lean upon to maintain control of your new way of living.
That‘s what I feel is the biggest problem with self-discipline - control (especially self-control). Recovery is based on the fact that one is powerless over their self-destructive behavior (it can’t be self-controlled) For example an alcoholic has to understand that there is no way that he can ever dink successfully (with control). This understanding has to carry on to his recovery in the sense that he can’t abstain from drinking by himself either (he can‘t control his abstinence alone). That leads to another big part of recovery - surrender. One must surrender to the fact that this change can not be won by trying to exercise more control over the control of the self-destructive behavior. Change must come from looking outside of this self-defeating solution. One has to turn towards help outside of themselves (meetings, fellowship, sponsor, higher power). Self-destructive behavior is described in AA as a “self-imposed crisis”, it would seem then that it can’t be solved by a self-imposed solution.
To me self-discipline is more like training wheels that eventually have to be removed if one is truly founded in a new way of living. These training wheels are very important in early recovery, because one doesn’t really have any other tools to use yet. People are told to just follow suggestions and don’t think too much. New thinking, attitudes, and behaviors come later after discipline forces one to enter into new actions and continue to practice them.
This does not mean that self-discipline should never be needed once one is well on their way towards new living, since no one can be perfect in how well they do their recovery. The goal should be to hopefully have less need for it. Over time, as new thinking, attitudes, and behaviors become natural in one’s new life, it should be needed less for support.
To be in recovery (or any form of self-improvement), there is a lot of personal change involved. There are many different tools that one would normally use to affect a change in themselves. Self-discipline is certainly one of them, but I fear that it is a tool that can be problematic if used too extensively. It should be something that you turn to when you need a little extra support, but not a crutch to lean upon to maintain control of your new way of living.
That‘s what I feel is the biggest problem with self-discipline - control (especially self-control). Recovery is based on the fact that one is powerless over their self-destructive behavior (it can’t be self-controlled) For example an alcoholic has to understand that there is no way that he can ever dink successfully (with control). This understanding has to carry on to his recovery in the sense that he can’t abstain from drinking by himself either (he can‘t control his abstinence alone). That leads to another big part of recovery - surrender. One must surrender to the fact that this change can not be won by trying to exercise more control over the control of the self-destructive behavior. Change must come from looking outside of this self-defeating solution. One has to turn towards help outside of themselves (meetings, fellowship, sponsor, higher power). Self-destructive behavior is described in AA as a “self-imposed crisis”, it would seem then that it can’t be solved by a self-imposed solution.
To me self-discipline is more like training wheels that eventually have to be removed if one is truly founded in a new way of living. These training wheels are very important in early recovery, because one doesn’t really have any other tools to use yet. People are told to just follow suggestions and don’t think too much. New thinking, attitudes, and behaviors come later after discipline forces one to enter into new actions and continue to practice them.
This does not mean that self-discipline should never be needed once one is well on their way towards new living, since no one can be perfect in how well they do their recovery. The goal should be to hopefully have less need for it. Over time, as new thinking, attitudes, and behaviors become natural in one’s new life, it should be needed less for support.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
PROBLEM SOLVING - Ask What Not Why
Why? This seems to always be the first thing that we consider when we are confronting a personal problem with ourselves. When most scientists study human behavior it is certainly what they will usually focus on. It does seem to make the most sense, because there is an undeniable fact that a person’s present behavior is the result of their experiences in the past. How can an intervention that leaves the past causes untouched have any lasting effect in the present?
Maybe the past has no real bearing on the SOLUTION that I need deal with the problem that I’m facing right now. Let’s look at the two possibilities involving the effect of the past on the present. I feel that both lead to the conclusion that only WHAT is happening in the present is significant -
1 The significance of causes in the past maintaining current problems is only a fascinating but inaccurate myth. If this is the case than desirable change of present behavior can only occur by dealing with ones present view of truth and reality.
2 There is a causal relationship between past and present behavior (what I believe). But since past events are unchangeable, either we are forced to abandon all hope that change is possible, or we must assume that the past has influence over the present ONLY by way of a persons PRESENT interpretation of past experience. If this is so than the past becomes a matter not of truth and reality, but of looking at it in the here and now by means of re-interpretation.
From what I have heard people share at meetings and have also witnessed from observing people that have undergone real transformations (especially spontaneous ones) is that knowing why is not a necessity. In fact, trying to understand why one has a problem as a precondition to inducing change can be a road-blocking assumption. [Check out my posts on the 9 dot problem to see an example how false preconditions put into a solution can make a problem unsolvable]
I believe that focusing too much on why can actually be detrimental for other reasons. Asking why can blind us to the important facts that need to be addressed most directly. It often happens that we only become aware of the important facts, if we suppress the question ‘why?’ and then in the course of the investigation these facts lead to finding a workable solution.
Personal experience has shown me another danger. Trying to solve problems based on ‘why?’ (looking into the past) can also lead to misdirected solutions, because many current personal problems may have stared by one series of reasons yet persist in the now for different ones. I spent many years trying to understand why I became and addict. I gained much insight about the reasons that I crossed the line into drug abuse, but all of this self-knowledge can never cure my current condition. I crossed a line I wish that I never crossed at some time in the past, there is no way to step back from that line. I may be in recovery, but will always be an addict, no matter how conclusively I may feel that I understand why.
It would seem that in deliberate intervention into human problems, the most pragmatic approach is not to question why but what.
We CAN take a problem as it exists here and now, without ever understanding why it got to be that way, and in spite of our ignorance of its origin and evolution we can do something about it. In doing so we are asking ‘what?’.
What is the problem?
What is going on here and now?
Because modern thinking is tainted by looking at situations scientifically, any attempt to look at a problem only in terms of present structure and consequences is considered the height of superficiality. AA has the slogan “keep it simple”. This slogan is not used because alcoholics are idiots and need to keep things simple - it is used because it WORKS!
I don't want to leave you with the idea that 'why' has no significance to self-improvement. It certainly does! I tried to stress the importance of 'what' in terms of finding practical solutions to problems so that change can occur. Once a transformation has progressed to a degree, the 'whys' of the past will lead to the insight needed to make sense of and find serenity in your new life. First though, the crisis of the problem must be attacked. Ask WHAT.
Maybe the past has no real bearing on the SOLUTION that I need deal with the problem that I’m facing right now. Let’s look at the two possibilities involving the effect of the past on the present. I feel that both lead to the conclusion that only WHAT is happening in the present is significant -
1 The significance of causes in the past maintaining current problems is only a fascinating but inaccurate myth. If this is the case than desirable change of present behavior can only occur by dealing with ones present view of truth and reality.
2 There is a causal relationship between past and present behavior (what I believe). But since past events are unchangeable, either we are forced to abandon all hope that change is possible, or we must assume that the past has influence over the present ONLY by way of a persons PRESENT interpretation of past experience. If this is so than the past becomes a matter not of truth and reality, but of looking at it in the here and now by means of re-interpretation.
From what I have heard people share at meetings and have also witnessed from observing people that have undergone real transformations (especially spontaneous ones) is that knowing why is not a necessity. In fact, trying to understand why one has a problem as a precondition to inducing change can be a road-blocking assumption. [Check out my posts on the 9 dot problem to see an example how false preconditions put into a solution can make a problem unsolvable]
I believe that focusing too much on why can actually be detrimental for other reasons. Asking why can blind us to the important facts that need to be addressed most directly. It often happens that we only become aware of the important facts, if we suppress the question ‘why?’ and then in the course of the investigation these facts lead to finding a workable solution.
Personal experience has shown me another danger. Trying to solve problems based on ‘why?’ (looking into the past) can also lead to misdirected solutions, because many current personal problems may have stared by one series of reasons yet persist in the now for different ones. I spent many years trying to understand why I became and addict. I gained much insight about the reasons that I crossed the line into drug abuse, but all of this self-knowledge can never cure my current condition. I crossed a line I wish that I never crossed at some time in the past, there is no way to step back from that line. I may be in recovery, but will always be an addict, no matter how conclusively I may feel that I understand why.
It would seem that in deliberate intervention into human problems, the most pragmatic approach is not to question why but what.
We CAN take a problem as it exists here and now, without ever understanding why it got to be that way, and in spite of our ignorance of its origin and evolution we can do something about it. In doing so we are asking ‘what?’.
What is the problem?
What is going on here and now?
Because modern thinking is tainted by looking at situations scientifically, any attempt to look at a problem only in terms of present structure and consequences is considered the height of superficiality. AA has the slogan “keep it simple”. This slogan is not used because alcoholics are idiots and need to keep things simple - it is used because it WORKS!
I don't want to leave you with the idea that 'why' has no significance to self-improvement. It certainly does! I tried to stress the importance of 'what' in terms of finding practical solutions to problems so that change can occur. Once a transformation has progressed to a degree, the 'whys' of the past will lead to the insight needed to make sense of and find serenity in your new life. First though, the crisis of the problem must be attacked. Ask WHAT.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Message sent to me on facebook
"I've been enjoying reading your blogs. You certainly are not the person that I knew, but then again you are. There are (2) kinds of people that we come across when we're using. Good people who are diseased, and evil people who are just that - drug or no drug. I always knew that you were intelligent beyond normal understanding and that you were thoughtful and sincere. Even in recovery - don't allow yourself to be taken by anyone. This is your time, God has seen fit to release us both from that hell I pleased to see you here."
PERSONAL CHANGE (Digital vs. Analog)
Being in the situation that I was in with my life, I understood that in order to survive I had to change a big part of the person that I was. It is a tall order and I spent many years attempting it and failing miserably. There are many aspects involved in successful change, but here I want to discuss one personal stumbling block that took a long time to overcome. Once I was able to see this flaw in my understanding of how to change, I was able to experience some true progress. I’ve never heard of this idea mentioned in readings, or hit upon by other people in any direct way that I have been able to identify it with. I call it digital vs. analog change. Let’s see if I can explain it.
My first attempts at change I now call digital. Basically it involves doing an inventory of ones character, attitudes and behaviors, then making an assessment as to what parts are good and what are bad. Note that this assessment was not only based on my own view, but relied heavily on others to be more objective. [I’ll talk about the trouble with self-assessment in another blog] Since my goal is to change into a better person (one not crippled by the bad stuff and using good stuff to live a better life), I turned my personal inventory into a ledger. The bad stuff I would diminish or eliminate and the good I would increase or introduce. With this accounting I had a path to change.
Many doctors who work with behavior modification or other such help groups feel that this alone is the winning formula all by itself. By turning the bad to 0 and the good to 1, a map is laid out that can put you on the right path. At first the new structure for living seems un-natural to you (cause it is!), but over time your behavior is modified by repeating the new structure over and over again. You get reprogrammed and the new structure now seems natural and automatic to you. Digital way of change (simply adding and subtracting individual “bits”) does seemed to be effective for many. I will be the last one to shoot it down, but for me I needed more.
Although this technique seemed to make sense in my first years attempting real change, they always led to failure ultimately. The early results always seemed promising and was convinced, even after repeated failure, that I just had to refine what I was doing. What I realize now is that many times one can be fooled into thinking that real fundamental change is occurring when instead it is only superficial at best. Now I admit that my problem in this area might only be relevant to me, there are many people who can attest to the fact that I may be the most suborn human who ever lived, but I believe that in some regard the insight that I am about to give will be useful to others.
For me I needed a way not to add and subtract bits, but to find a way to smoothly transform each element in an indivisible way. I call this analog change. Only through a perceptually seamless transition could I truly have real insight (a fundamental paradigm shift) into accepting and living as the new me. I could not become a different person in leaps and bounds (even small ones), it was the complete and uninterrupted journey that led me to true transformation. A bad habit could not be cut out of me and a good behavior substituted in. The bad habit had to fade and become unpalatable as the good behavior simultaneously had to fade in and become attractive over the bad habit. It is this seamless transition that gave me real fundamental change that was not programmed in, but realized.
I don’t know if people follow what I’m trying to say (experience is relative), but I hope that maybe I gave some people new things to ponder. I don’t want to make this post any longer by more explanation, but feel free to comment and ask questions.
My first attempts at change I now call digital. Basically it involves doing an inventory of ones character, attitudes and behaviors, then making an assessment as to what parts are good and what are bad. Note that this assessment was not only based on my own view, but relied heavily on others to be more objective. [I’ll talk about the trouble with self-assessment in another blog] Since my goal is to change into a better person (one not crippled by the bad stuff and using good stuff to live a better life), I turned my personal inventory into a ledger. The bad stuff I would diminish or eliminate and the good I would increase or introduce. With this accounting I had a path to change.
Many doctors who work with behavior modification or other such help groups feel that this alone is the winning formula all by itself. By turning the bad to 0 and the good to 1, a map is laid out that can put you on the right path. At first the new structure for living seems un-natural to you (cause it is!), but over time your behavior is modified by repeating the new structure over and over again. You get reprogrammed and the new structure now seems natural and automatic to you. Digital way of change (simply adding and subtracting individual “bits”) does seemed to be effective for many. I will be the last one to shoot it down, but for me I needed more.
Although this technique seemed to make sense in my first years attempting real change, they always led to failure ultimately. The early results always seemed promising and was convinced, even after repeated failure, that I just had to refine what I was doing. What I realize now is that many times one can be fooled into thinking that real fundamental change is occurring when instead it is only superficial at best. Now I admit that my problem in this area might only be relevant to me, there are many people who can attest to the fact that I may be the most suborn human who ever lived, but I believe that in some regard the insight that I am about to give will be useful to others.
For me I needed a way not to add and subtract bits, but to find a way to smoothly transform each element in an indivisible way. I call this analog change. Only through a perceptually seamless transition could I truly have real insight (a fundamental paradigm shift) into accepting and living as the new me. I could not become a different person in leaps and bounds (even small ones), it was the complete and uninterrupted journey that led me to true transformation. A bad habit could not be cut out of me and a good behavior substituted in. The bad habit had to fade and become unpalatable as the good behavior simultaneously had to fade in and become attractive over the bad habit. It is this seamless transition that gave me real fundamental change that was not programmed in, but realized.
I don’t know if people follow what I’m trying to say (experience is relative), but I hope that maybe I gave some people new things to ponder. I don’t want to make this post any longer by more explanation, but feel free to comment and ask questions.
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