What is your ultimate responsibility towards your life? What is your responsibility when adversity hits you? What I believe is most important, is using our ability to choose healthy responses to the events that occur in it. So that instead of blaming outside forces for what happens to you, the focus is on how you can take constructive action right now.
Unfortunately, like the journey we’re all on – your journey someday is going to end. I know that this certainly is not pleasant to think about. But if you don’t think about it now, someday down the line, you’ll regret that you didn’t start thinking about it sooner. So think about this for a moment and realize that It’s time to get serious about your journey. One day, you and I will die. We can’t control the inevitable, but that doesn’t mean that we have to be screwed on the journey to it. No, quite the opposite. We’re blessed. So, blessed that we cannot afford to waste another day in denial of the precious gift that is our life.
Looking back, I can count many years that could easily be described as ‘wasted’ (in more ways than one), but they were not. The experiences I received from those years, has led me to a place now where I clearly see the value of every minute of life left to me. I have also learned new ways to live that are moving me to get the most out of it - both from the good, but especially from the bad.
The gift that we all share, at this moment, is that we have the rest of our lives ahead of us. Don’t ever discount that. Don’t ever throw away that precious gift. It’s ours. Cherish it. Make it so worth it. I know, sometimes it can be so easy to forget this. Some days are hard. Sometimes nothing makes sense. The pain can sometimes be so overwhelming that it drowns out everything else. That’s part of life, but it’s only part of life.
So how do you use each and every single experience as a catalyst for greater growth, healing, success, and even compassion?
I try to follow these three steps:
1. Decide on what your goals and values are – which you use to measure
success, define growth and healing, and contextualize compassion.
2. Express gratitude for your positive experiences, and do what you can to invite similar experiences into your life.
3. Assign value to your negative experiences, by transforming adversity into a positive force for growth, healing, compassion (when appropriate), and success.
The first step is pretty straightforward. Although, it is a lifelong process, because you grow wiser through experience and thus your thinking evolves over time. The second step is also pretty straightforward, although it can be easy to forget, when you become overloaded with stress, or lose sight of your true goals and values. Furthermore, you can deviate from Step 2 when you’re bogged down by
negative emotions that you fail to constructively work with. The third step isn’t as straightforward as 1 and 2, so let’s explore it in more detail.
What is adversity? To me it’s any time you experience a negative emotion, because there is some adversity present in your life. It may be physically present, or it may be mentally-emotionally present - lingering in memory from your past and/or manifested in your current thinking.
How do we define adversity here? An adversity is any thing, person, situation, place, event or activity that prevents you from working toward your goals and values, or creating a sense of contentment, or happy moments. At the minimum, adversity is anything that poses a challenge to you in your journey in life. As you have probably already figured out, you can’t control your life; you can only choose how to respond to what happens to you. And you can’t prevent adversity from entering your life either; you can only choose how to respond to your encounter with adversity. Turning adversity into a positive force for growth, healing, compassion and success – requires that you respond to it in constructive ways that further promote your goals and values.
Be aware that your journey in life is marked by your personal goals and values. As we’ve already discussed, you’re on a journey in life. The final destination does not define this journey – it’s the journey itself that counts. It’s each and every moment you have – right now – to make the best of your life, create happy memories, and spend time doing the things that count and being with the people who matter most. However, even though it’s the journey itself that counts, you do still have various destinations along the way. What are they? They are your personal goals and values. No human being lives without either of these. We all have our own notions of goals and values, even if they are entirely unconscious to us. For instance, we all have unconscious biological drives built into us.
Our values and goals are the construct that define the meaning and worth of our lives. Values are those ideals, morals, principles, modes of conduct, and attitudes that you aspire to – that you continually work to embody in your day-to-day life. When you embody your values, you feel satisfied, at peace with yourself, proud of yourself, and excited to take on each new day. Goals are those concrete steps and specific courses of action that help you embody your values, and pursue relationships, accomplish things, or partake in activities that align with your values. When you’re devoted to your goals, you feel a sense of purpose, you’re grateful for every inkling of opportunity that comes your way, and you truly feel the crunch of time – as if there’s never enough time to do all that you want to do. Having clear goals also allows you to see that you must do your absolute best with what time you’ve got.
Time always keeps things moving forward. In your journey in life, you continually work toward your goals and values, even if those goals and values are not mindfully chosen – but drummed into your mind through years of harmful conditioning. Those dysfunctional goals and values are actually detrimental to you, because they’re not really coming from you – but furthering someone else’s agenda. That’s why it’s crucial to mindfully choose your goals and values.
Sometimes your goals aren’t always so tangible. At times you may reach a particular destination, like landing a dream job, getting a relationship with someone you really care about, successfully paying all of your bills for a particular month, or finishing the first draft of your science fiction novel. Other times, there isn’t really a physical ‘destination’, or benchmark, but you can still measure your success by how you feel. For example, you might learn how to avoid arguing with a verbally abusive jerk-off, instead of falling for the bait and trying to defend yourself. That kind of success isn’t really a destination, but it represents your success at working toward your goals (e.g., not arguing back) and values (e.g., maintaining self-confidence and tact when under verbal attack).
How do you respond to adversity when it gets in the way of moving towards your goals and values? At first glance, adversity stops you in your tracks – it halts your progress, or even makes you take a few steps backwards. In that regard, adversity is bad. It interrupts your journey and prevents you from actualizing your goals and values. However, it’s important to note that it’s not the adversity per say that does the stopping. It’s you who does the stopping. It’s you who chooses to respond to adversity in a way that gets you off track.
You have to first realize that your response to adversity is what knocks you off course. Yes, adversity can be and often is very painful. But, who’s to say that adversity gets to be in charge of your life? It’s not, and it never can be. So if you choose to get off track because of adversity – that’s your choice, conscious or not. If you choose to use adversity as a motivation to get back on track – and possibly get even better at staying on track – that’s also your choice. It also happens to be the more powerful choice. The more productive choice. The more self-loving choice. The smartest, most resilient, and most resourceful choice. The responsible choice.
Adversity can actually energize you to more successfully work toward your goals and values. You already know that pain can be a great catalyst for change. Pain is designed to alert us that something is wrong (by our own standards of “wrong,” of course) so that we can then fix a problem. It’s those situations that didn’t work, after all, which drive you to “get it right” the next time around. When things are comfortable, we have no drive to change (it’s more sensible to maintain the status quo for continual comfort). When we get burned, we learn to adapt, fast.
Adversity can be a great catalyst for making changes in the world around you, but it can also be a great catalyst for personal growth. It can energize you to make or strengthen your lifelong commitment to your goals and values. Why? It’s very simple. Your goals and values are completely arbitrary. You choose them (except when they’re unconsciously programmed, but you can re-wire them nonetheless). And, you can change them whenever you want. You have the freedom to do so. So any time you work toward your goals and values – you exercise your freedom. Your goals and values absolutely have to come from you, in order for them to be worth anything.
Whenever adversity knocks you off-track, realize that it is your inadequate responses to it that will make you want to just lie there and wallow. I have been an expert in all of these poor responses in the past - trust me! Having had enough ‘lying down’, I finally decided to make sense of what many have told me over and over - adversity can be a blessing in disguise! Remember, it’s how you choose to respond to adversity that gets you off track. If you’ve gotten off track, it’s for some reason that is independent of the adversity. It’s for some reason that is about you.
Maybe it has to do with:
• Fear
• Unresolved conflict
• A wound from the past
• A dysfunctional belief
• Dysfunctional behavior
• An unhealthy relationship
• Lack of identity
• Lack of resolve
• Lack of emotional honesty
The greatest gift in adversity is that it exposes your weaknesses. Adversity just so happens to exacerbate whatever that ‘problem about you’ is. Adversity just so happens to bring it out into the open, or make it such that you can no longer ignore the problem. Just because people often falter in the face of adversity doesn’t mean that it’s a ‘natural’ or ‘normal’ human thing to do. It just means that we’ve been conditioned to:
• Blame outside forces for our problems, instead of taking ownership for our co-creations and our responses to life, and
• Retreat from hardship rather than overcome it, or rather than find ways
around or through it (remember, you can always change, modify, or update your goals and values – that’s the beauty in human freedom). ‘Giving up’ is learned behavior. So is ‘succeeding despite the odds’.
If your life has encountered adversity, like mine has, and your still sucking air, you must want to succeed. Things may have reached a point where you’re tired of giving up on yourself when things get hard, or making lame excuses, or placing blame when you know that gets you nowhere. Now is the time to find a way to handle life’s hardships in a way that can create a better future. You’re ready to learn how to succeed despite the odds. You are willing to persevere, no matter what life throws your way.
Always remember that your goals and values are far too important to abandon. That if you give up on them, your life loses its meaning, and you slowly but steadily lose the passion to wake up and face each new day. You also know that one day you are going to die, yes you are getting old, and that your time here is limited. You also know that because of that, your time is also a precious commodity that you can’t afford to waste. You must spend as much time as you can doing the things you love and being with the people you love (and yes, that includes yourself).
You cannot afford to fail! In order to maximize your time here on Earth, you can’t afford to let adversity get you down.
• Don’t be a wimp.
• Or whine.
• Or give up.
Okay, well you can afford to do so some of time, or at least temporarily. We are human after all. You may have to feel vulnerable and take things personally, before you can locate your weaknesses and heal them, so that you can eventually pick yourself back up and carry on even stronger. But allowing yourself to be vulnerable is a conscious decision. In the back of your mind, remember that you allow for it so that you can learn more about yourself and ultimately get back in the fight.
Here are 5 steps that I use when confronting adversity -
1. Get emotionally raw in response to the adversity.
2. Own up to your true feelings.
3. Identify how you are “blocking” your goals and values.
4. Re-focus on your goals and values.
5. Transform negative emotion into positive action.
1. Get Emotionally Raw in Your Response to Your Adversity
Raw emotions are powerful! Make sure that you confront them with great self-awareness. You must handle them with complete honesty. The first and most crucial step in constructively responding to adversity is to emotionally register your encounter with the adversity. If you aren’t emotionally honest about some particular adversity, then you have little to no chance of actually responding to it. In other words: don’t fudge your feelings. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that you can wish, suppress/repress, or meditate them away (in any successful long-term sense). If you’re pissed off, jealous, feeling whiney, or really want to go hide under a rock – admit that to yourself. Don’t lie to yourself. It gets you nowhere but behind in life. You know that.
2. Own Up to Your True Feelings
After you’ve vented your raw emotional response to adversity in a safe and constructive way, it’s time to own up to your feelings. This is not easy, but it’s necessary. You feel the way you do in response to adversity because of how you view your life, your world, your place in the world, and the relationship between adversity and you. Your views are so incredibly important and powerful, because they shape your experience of reality - moment to moment. People don’t like to admit this, because it kills their license to complain, bitch and moan about life all the time. You need to admit it though, because it puts you in the role of resourceful co-creator rather than helpless victim.
Although blame is a dangerous response, it isn’t always counter-productive. Now, it’s perfectly natural to want to blame your adversity for your problems in the short term. It is so easy to just say “You did this to me!” In the long run, however, blame only hurts you, and keeps you locked in victim mode. This can only perpetuate learned helplessness - which means you can say goodbye to your goals and values! So the final step in expressing your negative emotions about your adversity is to get clear on how you feel. This is distinct from ruminating about how “horrible” or “unfair” your adversity is, because that’s blaming, which means it’s not owning up to your feelings.
For example, you might initially make a statement like: “I’m so hurt because my adversity judged me unfairly.” That’s fine, but only in the short term. This will do you no good with respect to your long-term emotional health.
Realize that too much blame hurts you. You have to turn the blame statement into one of ownership, which directly speaks to how you feel. You might think : “I feel hurt that my adversity judged me unfairly because I felt that they broke the trust that existed between us, and that makes me feel vulnerable.” If you’re really honest with yourself, you might take it a step further: “I feel hurt because I’m judging myself in the way that I accused my adversity of judging me unfairly, and when I judge myself in this way it makes me feel lost and like a failure.” The two previous statements demonstrate an ownership of feelings. They don’t place the blame on adversity, but explain a particular response to adversity, which happens to be painful.
3. Identify How You Are Blocking Your Goals & Values
Why Is Your Encounter with Adversity Bad? Once you complete step 2, and are honest about how adversity rubbed you the wrong way, it’s time to get to the root of the problem. The problem is that you’re “blocked” from working toward your goals and values.
So ask yourself:
"Which goals are being blocked?"
"Which values are being compromised?"
Then remember that the root of the problem is that you are “blocking” your goals and values – through your response to the adversity.
Take the time to reframe the focus on your role in your life. If you’ve done the work with steps 1 and 2, “Adversity is blocking this goal” or “Adversity is compromising that value” – reword your answers. Cut “adversity” out – replace it with an “I” statement:
• “I’m allowing this goal to be blocked.”
• “I’m not actively pursuing alternative ways to reach this goal, or choosing a new
goal altogether.”
• “I’m not replacing a particularly unreasonable goal with a more sensible, or attainable one.”
• “I’m allowing this value to be compromised.”
• “I’m holding myself to a standard that is unrealistic or unhealthy for me.”
• “I’m failing to make sure that my values come from me, and that they make sense for me.”
• “I’m judging myself too harshly for not upholding a value; all I can do is the best given the situation. Values guide my behavior and I am the one who chooses them; they aren’t licenses for self-scrutiny and condemnation.”
Remember, adversity can’t “make” you do anything. You choose how you respond to adversity. If you respond to adversity by abandoning your goals and values – you have to take full responsibility for that. It is much better to take responsibility now, rather than later, when more damage is done.
4. Re-Focus on Your Goals & Values
Encountering adversity isn’t fun, you already know that, but do you know what else? When you express your raw feelings, own up to them, and get to the root of the problem, you won’t care about the adversity anymore. If you don’t get to that point, then you haven’t fully expressed your emotions yet. So get back to work and stop sugar-coating, making excuses for others, minimizing your pain, or judging yourself negatively for having the courage to be emotional and take things damn personally. What you’ll care about is yourself. Your journey, remember? That’s why adversity sucked in the first place – it interrupted your journey!
How do you overcome adversity such that it helps you on your journey in life?
You use it as a good excuse to get re-focused on your journey! You must assess which goals and values have been compromised, and you determine:
• How you can reinstate them
• How you can work toward them right now
• Whether you need to update them, or replace certain ones altogether
• How you can avoid sabotaging yourself
• How you can learn a lesson from your encounter with adversity, such that you find out how to better work toward your goals and values – starting right now.
If you can re-focus on your goals and values – in spite of adversity – then you’ve actually become more committed to your goals and values, because of that adversity! How self-empowering is that?
5. Transform Negative Emotion into Positive Action.
You have to ensure that you continually use your negative emotions to work toward greater success. So whenever you find yourself feeling bad in response to thinking about or interacting with something even remotely related to your adversity, you need to: repeat the four previous steps. Find any way that you can learn from your negative emotion so that you feel energized, motivated, and mobilized to get back to your goals and values. Getting back to your goals and values is a conscious commitment. If you don’t make the commitment, or only make it half-heartedly, you’ll suffer the price. The price will be your long-term emotional health and well-being, as well as your effectiveness in life.
Facing your emotions head on can be intense. Don’t let your emotions steer you away from your goals and values. If you ditch them – your happiness, not to mention vitality, falls by the wayside. So be sure to get increasingly in touch with your negative, and of course your positive emotions. Fashion negative emotions into positive action. Counter to what culture tells you, emotion itself does not have to dictate action. You can’t forget your will to act, or your will to commit – despite feeling scared, uncertain, or whatever else you might be tempted to use an excuse for inaction, or the wrong kind of action. Negatively regarded
emotions either inform you about danger in your environment, or your dangerously skewed perceptions of your environment. Either way, they’re nifty tools at your disposal. Use them.
I hope that I have been able to give you some new ways of looking at and responding to the hardships that will come up as your journey in life continues.
Encountering adversity often initially impairs your ability to succeed (or rather your dysfunctional response to adversity compromises your success in life).
However, taking responsibility for adversity positions you to:
• Work toward your goals and values with newfound strength and vigor,
• Refine your notions of success by appropriately realigning your goals and values, and/or
• Become increasingly mindful of your true goals and values so that you can more consciously and more fully commit to them
Hopefully you can now recognize that encountering adversity can and eventually should be an experience that you use to enhance your quality of life. Your attitudes and perceptions are far more powerful than you might think. They co-construct your life in myriad ways and you need to become increasingly aware of how that process works, so that you can better focus and direct them in positive ways.
I also hope that can take the time to reflect and embrace the idea of how important every moment that we have left to live is.
STM 10/30/11
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
How Long Till Becoming A Sponsor
[A question posed at another recovery site] ----------
“I'm interested in hearing people's perspective on this: Would you suggest your sponsee becoming a sponsor after finishing the 12 steps, but with less than a year sober?”
[My response] --------- I think it's a bad idea, even though technically there is no set clean-time before being a sponsor rule.
Personally, I think even 12 months is not enough time and simply completing the 12 steps not sufficient. A knowledge of the complete steps is a big move towards sponsorship, but the EXPERIENCE of LIVING the steps over a period of time (varies with the person, but certainly more than a year) gives a sponsor a true UNDERSTANDING of the steps. It's the understanding THROUGH experience that really empowers a sponsor to do their best at sponsorship.
This doesn't mean that one can't 'give back' in other ways before they are fully prepared to be a legitimate sponsor to someone. I've seen MANY instances where the ones that insist on 'rushing' into being a sponsor wind up drunk themselves!
I believe this to be, because they are still motivated by ego, other selfish reasons, and want to find a way to avoid continued deep reflection on their own issues.
“I'm interested in hearing people's perspective on this: Would you suggest your sponsee becoming a sponsor after finishing the 12 steps, but with less than a year sober?”
[My response] --------- I think it's a bad idea, even though technically there is no set clean-time before being a sponsor rule.
Personally, I think even 12 months is not enough time and simply completing the 12 steps not sufficient. A knowledge of the complete steps is a big move towards sponsorship, but the EXPERIENCE of LIVING the steps over a period of time (varies with the person, but certainly more than a year) gives a sponsor a true UNDERSTANDING of the steps. It's the understanding THROUGH experience that really empowers a sponsor to do their best at sponsorship.
This doesn't mean that one can't 'give back' in other ways before they are fully prepared to be a legitimate sponsor to someone. I've seen MANY instances where the ones that insist on 'rushing' into being a sponsor wind up drunk themselves!
I believe this to be, because they are still motivated by ego, other selfish reasons, and want to find a way to avoid continued deep reflection on their own issues.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Smeer Rules To Live By
Smeer Rules To Live By
(compiled from a large array of sources and real world experience) And No - I'm not able to always to follow these rules successfully all the time, but I try my best to!
1. You Create Your Own Life -
You are not a victim. You are 100% responsible for the life you have right now. If you are unhappy, you have the power to change your attitude and actions to begin making your life better. Always remember, whether you think life sucks or you think life is great, either way, you're right.
2. You Make Yourself Feel The Way You Feel -
Ever notice how some people are able to brush off insults, while others get furious and start kicking ass? Realize that nobody can "make" you feel anything. You are the one that "chooses" to feel good or bad about a particular event or action that occurs.
3. Fake It Till You Make It -
If you want to be more confident, happy, or positive, then "pretend" that you already are this way. Eventually, after practicing this long enough, you'll realize that you're no longer "pretending".
4. Follow A Purpose -
A purpose is what you enjoy doing, that you never get tired of, and you will do for the rest of your life. Is your purpose to play guitar? Is it to help suffering addicts? Write down on index cards a list of purposes and choose the one that speaks to you the most.
5. Set Goals And Schedule Your Day -
List out 5 to 10 goals that you want for your life. Break each goal up into smaller sub-goals and then break those sub-goals into individual tasks and action steps. Every night, plan the next day in advance. Create a daily "to-do list" with those tasks that you need to do to accomplish your goal.
6. Live In The Present -
Regret and shame come from dwelling in the past. Worrying and anxiety come from living in the future. True peace of mind comes from living in the present. The more you become aware of being in the present, the more it becomes a part of your daily life.
7. The Power Of Attraction -
The power of attraction is a powerful mental tool. The process works by focusing on something that you want while visualizing that you already have it. You then have a heightened level of awareness for recognizing opportunities that occur around you. These opportunities will then assist in bringing what you want into your physical reality.
8. Expand Your Comfort Zone -
Your comfort zone (what you feel comfortable doing) is always in a state of either expanding or contracting. The more you get out in the world and do what you feel uncomfortable doing, the less inhibited you become, thereby allowing you to live a richer and fuller life.
9. Be Thankful For What You Have -
Every morning before you start your day, give thanks and appreciation for what you have. It's only when we are thankful for what we have that life gives us more blessings and abundance to be thankful for.
10. The Power Of Asking -
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. It's the reason that children ask their parents for the same thing over and over again, because they know mom and dad will eventually cave in. The same concept works in the real world. If there is something in the world you want, ask for it...or at least ask how to get it.
11. Learn From The Pros And Copy Them -
Find the successful people in your field and ask them for advice. Ask them what they do to be successful, take notes, and then copy them. A lot of people think that the pros don't want to give up their secrets. The opposite is actually true. Most successful people are more that willing to share their knowledge if you ask them
12. Ignore The Assholes -
Assholes are people that will try to discourage you from your dreams. Don't listen to them. Realize that the only reason they are doing it is because by seeing you chase after your dreams, it's reminding them that they aren't chasing theirs. Misery loves company.
(compiled from a large array of sources and real world experience) And No - I'm not able to always to follow these rules successfully all the time, but I try my best to!
1. You Create Your Own Life -
You are not a victim. You are 100% responsible for the life you have right now. If you are unhappy, you have the power to change your attitude and actions to begin making your life better. Always remember, whether you think life sucks or you think life is great, either way, you're right.
2. You Make Yourself Feel The Way You Feel -
Ever notice how some people are able to brush off insults, while others get furious and start kicking ass? Realize that nobody can "make" you feel anything. You are the one that "chooses" to feel good or bad about a particular event or action that occurs.
3. Fake It Till You Make It -
If you want to be more confident, happy, or positive, then "pretend" that you already are this way. Eventually, after practicing this long enough, you'll realize that you're no longer "pretending".
4. Follow A Purpose -
A purpose is what you enjoy doing, that you never get tired of, and you will do for the rest of your life. Is your purpose to play guitar? Is it to help suffering addicts? Write down on index cards a list of purposes and choose the one that speaks to you the most.
5. Set Goals And Schedule Your Day -
List out 5 to 10 goals that you want for your life. Break each goal up into smaller sub-goals and then break those sub-goals into individual tasks and action steps. Every night, plan the next day in advance. Create a daily "to-do list" with those tasks that you need to do to accomplish your goal.
6. Live In The Present -
Regret and shame come from dwelling in the past. Worrying and anxiety come from living in the future. True peace of mind comes from living in the present. The more you become aware of being in the present, the more it becomes a part of your daily life.
7. The Power Of Attraction -
The power of attraction is a powerful mental tool. The process works by focusing on something that you want while visualizing that you already have it. You then have a heightened level of awareness for recognizing opportunities that occur around you. These opportunities will then assist in bringing what you want into your physical reality.
8. Expand Your Comfort Zone -
Your comfort zone (what you feel comfortable doing) is always in a state of either expanding or contracting. The more you get out in the world and do what you feel uncomfortable doing, the less inhibited you become, thereby allowing you to live a richer and fuller life.
9. Be Thankful For What You Have -
Every morning before you start your day, give thanks and appreciation for what you have. It's only when we are thankful for what we have that life gives us more blessings and abundance to be thankful for.
10. The Power Of Asking -
Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. It's the reason that children ask their parents for the same thing over and over again, because they know mom and dad will eventually cave in. The same concept works in the real world. If there is something in the world you want, ask for it...or at least ask how to get it.
11. Learn From The Pros And Copy Them -
Find the successful people in your field and ask them for advice. Ask them what they do to be successful, take notes, and then copy them. A lot of people think that the pros don't want to give up their secrets. The opposite is actually true. Most successful people are more that willing to share their knowledge if you ask them
12. Ignore The Assholes -
Assholes are people that will try to discourage you from your dreams. Don't listen to them. Realize that the only reason they are doing it is because by seeing you chase after your dreams, it's reminding them that they aren't chasing theirs. Misery loves company.
Wake Up!
A time comes in your life when you finally get…when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out…ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying and blaming and struggling to hold on. Then, like a child quieting down after a tantrum, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties…and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. You begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.
You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with.
You learn that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a “consumer” looking for you next fix.
You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.
You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not you job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.
Then you learn about love. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You learn that alone does not mean lonely.
You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.
You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.
You learn that your body really is your temple. You begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drinking more water, and take more time to exercise.
You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.
You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You learn that no one can do it all alone, and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.
You learn the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.
You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people…and you lean not to always take it personally.
You learn that nobody’s punishing you and everything isn’t always somebody’s fault. It’s just life happening. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls.
You lean that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.
You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Then, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than you heart’s desire.
You make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind.
Finally, with courage in you heart, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
A CLEAN TIME ISSUE
There is an issue that I have seen come up at many 12 step meetings and I just saw mentioned in another online group discussion. There was a person sharing about how upset she was for being put down by others in recovery, because she is still on methadone. Here's the comment I posted about it -
I feel bad if people are putting you down over your methadone use. No one should do harmful things like that to anyone trying to find recovery. No ones path is going to be exactly the same, since we all have somewhat different issues to tackle. At the same time you have to consider how certain recovery groups will view what your doing, IF you try to claim ’clean time’ while still on it. Many members (me included) would feel somewhat uncomfortable about it. Still, I would in no way shoot you down, or discourage you over it.
Beyond that one issue, there is no reason why you should not be fully involved in groups and anyone’s problem with it should be ignored. This issue should also not stop you from your recovery journey - making meetings, having a sponsor, doing step work, ect.
Hopefully you can get off meth maintenance (by a gradual lowering of dose and finding non-narcotic pain management medicine in the near future.
Good luck to you.
(continued discussion from my facebook group)
ML - This is a great message. What some of the members don't realize is that comments like this can sway a member into thinking, "I might as well give this up and go back to my REAL drug of choice." Foget all this A.A. NON-SENSE. Judging is dangerous business. PLEASE let's keep our opinions to ourselves and not be doctors. I do my very best to sponsor from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. THIS NEW GUY MAY BE ON THE PATH TO GETTING WELL NOT STAYING HIGH.
Steven Meer - I've been at meetings where members have been very cruel to people in this situation. I don't see a problem if you talk to the person after the meeting and offer some advice in a kind, supportive, non-judgmental way (as in maybe waiting till you can truly celebrate clean-time, but feel included in every other aspect of the program). If they still want to count it a clean time - I would let them. Unfortunately, I've seen these people verbally attacked during the meeting - a few times causing them to walk out in tears. Methadone usage can be a necessary step for some in the beginning of their road to recovery.
ML - Well said. Hopefully talking about it here will make some step back and not judge.
Steven Meer - We can only hope - some people seem to have closed minds though. Don't they realize that in addition to hurting others, they are also limiting their own ability to have a healthy, successful recovery for themselves?
I feel bad if people are putting you down over your methadone use. No one should do harmful things like that to anyone trying to find recovery. No ones path is going to be exactly the same, since we all have somewhat different issues to tackle. At the same time you have to consider how certain recovery groups will view what your doing, IF you try to claim ’clean time’ while still on it. Many members (me included) would feel somewhat uncomfortable about it. Still, I would in no way shoot you down, or discourage you over it.
Beyond that one issue, there is no reason why you should not be fully involved in groups and anyone’s problem with it should be ignored. This issue should also not stop you from your recovery journey - making meetings, having a sponsor, doing step work, ect.
Hopefully you can get off meth maintenance (by a gradual lowering of dose and finding non-narcotic pain management medicine in the near future.
Good luck to you.
(continued discussion from my facebook group)
ML - This is a great message. What some of the members don't realize is that comments like this can sway a member into thinking, "I might as well give this up and go back to my REAL drug of choice." Foget all this A.A. NON-SENSE. Judging is dangerous business. PLEASE let's keep our opinions to ourselves and not be doctors. I do my very best to sponsor from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. THIS NEW GUY MAY BE ON THE PATH TO GETTING WELL NOT STAYING HIGH.
Steven Meer - I've been at meetings where members have been very cruel to people in this situation. I don't see a problem if you talk to the person after the meeting and offer some advice in a kind, supportive, non-judgmental way (as in maybe waiting till you can truly celebrate clean-time, but feel included in every other aspect of the program). If they still want to count it a clean time - I would let them. Unfortunately, I've seen these people verbally attacked during the meeting - a few times causing them to walk out in tears. Methadone usage can be a necessary step for some in the beginning of their road to recovery.
ML - Well said. Hopefully talking about it here will make some step back and not judge.
Steven Meer - We can only hope - some people seem to have closed minds though. Don't they realize that in addition to hurting others, they are also limiting their own ability to have a healthy, successful recovery for themselves?
Thursday, May 12, 2011
DON'T JUST 'TELL YOURSELF'
In recent months I’ve been exposed to people in recovery who I tried to help, but could only watch them relapse again. I bring this up, because all of them (in my opinion) were using the same flawed technique as they began to try to change their lives. The saddest part about these relapses is that they seemed to truly want to change - that was not the problem. I can strongly identify with them, because I had made the same mistake a few times in my own recovery journey. Being aware and overcoming this problem was one of the major steps that I needed to make to find the current success that I have today. I find it important to write on this.
The crux of this revolves around the ‘head to heart’ paradigm. I’ve sure that you heard it in many recovery programs. It is basically about taking your changing thinking and moving it the ‘18 inches’ to having it felt in your heart. I have yet to hear a definitive description of how to do this, but I’ll give you my take here briefly (I‘m writing a long post on this, so you can get more detail soon). To begin to make real changes to what you believe in your heart it takes a 3 basic steps -
1 New thinking >
2 Action (to back up that thinking) >
3 Experience (as a result of these actions) =
New beliefs (in your heart)
The most import part of this is the ‘Experience’ part. The first 2 stages can be done alone and not lead to the experience needed to change the heart. You may ask “How can action not lead to experience?” Well, action taken by someone with a closed mind shuts the door to the awakening experiences needed.
Let me go back to these relapses I started with. The people were stuck in stage 1 (new thinking) They were working on the false belief that just by changing their thinking alone was all that is needed. Unfortunately new thinking is not the complete answer - even though it can fool you into thinking it is!
To maintain their new thinking, I could almost imagine their brains on a treadmill. For example they ‘knew’ that they needed to be positive about life and grateful, so what did they do? They would keep their brains running by telling themselves “I must be positive”, or “I must be grateful” hundreds of times a day. On top of that, they would put on a show to others trying to convince them that they are these things. It reeked of fake and insincere, but I could tell them that. Worse, other recovery people were telling me that it is a mistake to have these people question their new (thinking) feelings. To me these other mentors were on co-signing the BS the people were dealing with.
These struggling people didn’t move forward to action and then on to the experiences that should follow - they felt that they got it. This is another example of the ‘easier softer way’ we hear about.
I’m sure that we have all tried treadmill running before. You can maintain it for a while, but in the end you get tired and have to stop. That is what happened to each of these people. One day they each got tired of ‘telling themselves’ how they should feel and felt the reality of how they truly did still feel - since no real change moved into their hearts.
The crux of this revolves around the ‘head to heart’ paradigm. I’ve sure that you heard it in many recovery programs. It is basically about taking your changing thinking and moving it the ‘18 inches’ to having it felt in your heart. I have yet to hear a definitive description of how to do this, but I’ll give you my take here briefly (I‘m writing a long post on this, so you can get more detail soon). To begin to make real changes to what you believe in your heart it takes a 3 basic steps -
1 New thinking >
2 Action (to back up that thinking) >
3 Experience (as a result of these actions) =
New beliefs (in your heart)
The most import part of this is the ‘Experience’ part. The first 2 stages can be done alone and not lead to the experience needed to change the heart. You may ask “How can action not lead to experience?” Well, action taken by someone with a closed mind shuts the door to the awakening experiences needed.
Let me go back to these relapses I started with. The people were stuck in stage 1 (new thinking) They were working on the false belief that just by changing their thinking alone was all that is needed. Unfortunately new thinking is not the complete answer - even though it can fool you into thinking it is!
To maintain their new thinking, I could almost imagine their brains on a treadmill. For example they ‘knew’ that they needed to be positive about life and grateful, so what did they do? They would keep their brains running by telling themselves “I must be positive”, or “I must be grateful” hundreds of times a day. On top of that, they would put on a show to others trying to convince them that they are these things. It reeked of fake and insincere, but I could tell them that. Worse, other recovery people were telling me that it is a mistake to have these people question their new (thinking) feelings. To me these other mentors were on co-signing the BS the people were dealing with.
These struggling people didn’t move forward to action and then on to the experiences that should follow - they felt that they got it. This is another example of the ‘easier softer way’ we hear about.
I’m sure that we have all tried treadmill running before. You can maintain it for a while, but in the end you get tired and have to stop. That is what happened to each of these people. One day they each got tired of ‘telling themselves’ how they should feel and felt the reality of how they truly did still feel - since no real change moved into their hearts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)