Monday, August 23, 2010
What's worse
What's worse than building a tolerance to drugs and alcohol is building an intolerance to being clean and sober.
Monday, June 21, 2010
MOVING PAST
It seems that some people try to move past things (to remove something from their lives that they used to be obsessed with) by learning to hate it. I feel that this is a cheap fix and a terrible mistake. To move past something, one must learn to become unattached to it. To hate something that you used to like does not sever this attachment - it is simply a different manifestation of an ongoing problem. If attachment is like a hinge, then all that has been done is that it has been swung into a different direction, but not detached.
The easiest example is a romantic relationship in which the couple modulate back and forth between love and hate for each other. Even when they are in the stage where they hate one another - their lives are still connected with an attachment. Instead of obsessing about their love, they obsess about their hate. In these type of situations, the hate is more likely to swing back to love - for the two of them are not moving on. Even if they try a new relationship with someone else - it is compared to, or done in spite over the last one (to cause jealousy or to rub in the others face).
I see it often in recovery rooms - the ones that stand up a rage aloud over how much the hate alcohol and drugs now are MORE likely to relapse. They have not moved on, they are still attached. They are still obsessed with their addiction - it has just now swung towards hate.
For others the remaining attachment may not be based on hate, but on overpowering fear.
In early recovery I can understand how this may be one of the only effective tools that one is able to use for a time (and should be used - staying abstinent is a must). But as time goes on and one has a better sense of what true recovery really is about (developed better self-awareness, methods, tools, ect) - this cheap fix then MUST be shed. To maintain its use can only hold one back from truly moving on, past what used to destroy you.
This does not mean that one should not have a healthy aversion (not wanting to go back to), or fear/respect for what one is moving past. But, it should not be a crippling, obsessive, dominating force that continues to haunt one and limit’s the ability to find the true freedom of a new life. To break attachments diminishes continued suffering and leads to more serenity.
The easiest example is a romantic relationship in which the couple modulate back and forth between love and hate for each other. Even when they are in the stage where they hate one another - their lives are still connected with an attachment. Instead of obsessing about their love, they obsess about their hate. In these type of situations, the hate is more likely to swing back to love - for the two of them are not moving on. Even if they try a new relationship with someone else - it is compared to, or done in spite over the last one (to cause jealousy or to rub in the others face).
I see it often in recovery rooms - the ones that stand up a rage aloud over how much the hate alcohol and drugs now are MORE likely to relapse. They have not moved on, they are still attached. They are still obsessed with their addiction - it has just now swung towards hate.
For others the remaining attachment may not be based on hate, but on overpowering fear.
In early recovery I can understand how this may be one of the only effective tools that one is able to use for a time (and should be used - staying abstinent is a must). But as time goes on and one has a better sense of what true recovery really is about (developed better self-awareness, methods, tools, ect) - this cheap fix then MUST be shed. To maintain its use can only hold one back from truly moving on, past what used to destroy you.
This does not mean that one should not have a healthy aversion (not wanting to go back to), or fear/respect for what one is moving past. But, it should not be a crippling, obsessive, dominating force that continues to haunt one and limit’s the ability to find the true freedom of a new life. To break attachments diminishes continued suffering and leads to more serenity.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The powerlessness debate continues
(letter to me by a person who disagrees with statements I‘ve made on powerlessness.)
“I am not powerless except if I choose to take that first drink. As long as
I don't drink, no matter what, I have the power. But if I choose to take
that first drink, I am without any power. Experience has taught me when I
drink I become powerless.
I cannot drink ever again. Guess how I do that?
One day at a time.
Xxxxxxxx”
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
(my response)
You bring up a few statements. Let me give you my take on them -
1. As long as I don't drink, no matter what, I have the power.
2. If I choose to take that first drink, I am without any power.
3. I cannot drink ever again. Guess how I do that? One day at a time.
1 & 2 are connected, so let’s look at them first. It seems that your saying that if your sober, you have the power not to drink. If you do drink, then your alcoholism kicks in and you are powerless to prevent drinking more.
Well I got some good news for you! I can agree with you on point 2 - once you have that first drink you are powerless.
Point 1 I have to disagree. You seem to be saying that if you are sober, you have the power to not drink again. I guess that can be true if you are the most unique alcoholic in the world - one who is actually completely cured as long as you don’t have that first drink. I wish it was true for the rest of us. If all we had to do is just get in enough time to sober up, we would suddenly get the power not drink ever again on our pristine self-will alone. There would be no more relapses!
I’m sure would say next that “yes every alcoholic has the power once they are sober, they just choose not to use it. Any sober alcoholic can only relapse by choosing not to use the power that they have acquired in their sober time.”
Well its amazing to me how many alcoholics who get sober time CHOOSE NOT TO USE THE POWER THAT THEY NOW HAVE TO STOP.
I guess my problem with point 1 is freedom of choice. Your saying that when sober, you have the power to decide if you will drink or not. I’m saying that, even sober many of our choices are not made in complete freedom. Many of the character defects are still there, they affect choices even when sober. Perspectives are distorted. Some people may have emotional problems and act impulsively (without thinking). Some might be insecure and get pressured by old drinking buddies. Some people might have long-term brain chemistry imbalances from years of drinking.
ALL OF THESE THINGS CAN ROB US OF BEING ABLE TO FREELY CHOOSING NOT TO DRINK. Where is this power if simply the ability to chose is not enough? Like many programs state - willpower is not enough. I wish that all the power I needed to not drink was just to be sober.
As for one day at a time - it is a good short-term goal that can be repeated every day. Its easier than saying “I will never drink again!”. My problem is that people carry the idea too far and avoid long-term life-changing goals. Every day they wake up with the same problems that they had the day before and just “white knuckle it” another 24 hours. And make meetings, and meetings, and meetings, and meetings, ect……………….
“I am not powerless except if I choose to take that first drink. As long as
I don't drink, no matter what, I have the power. But if I choose to take
that first drink, I am without any power. Experience has taught me when I
drink I become powerless.
I cannot drink ever again. Guess how I do that?
One day at a time.
Xxxxxxxx”
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
(my response)
You bring up a few statements. Let me give you my take on them -
1. As long as I don't drink, no matter what, I have the power.
2. If I choose to take that first drink, I am without any power.
3. I cannot drink ever again. Guess how I do that? One day at a time.
1 & 2 are connected, so let’s look at them first. It seems that your saying that if your sober, you have the power not to drink. If you do drink, then your alcoholism kicks in and you are powerless to prevent drinking more.
Well I got some good news for you! I can agree with you on point 2 - once you have that first drink you are powerless.
Point 1 I have to disagree. You seem to be saying that if you are sober, you have the power to not drink again. I guess that can be true if you are the most unique alcoholic in the world - one who is actually completely cured as long as you don’t have that first drink. I wish it was true for the rest of us. If all we had to do is just get in enough time to sober up, we would suddenly get the power not drink ever again on our pristine self-will alone. There would be no more relapses!
I’m sure would say next that “yes every alcoholic has the power once they are sober, they just choose not to use it. Any sober alcoholic can only relapse by choosing not to use the power that they have acquired in their sober time.”
Well its amazing to me how many alcoholics who get sober time CHOOSE NOT TO USE THE POWER THAT THEY NOW HAVE TO STOP.
I guess my problem with point 1 is freedom of choice. Your saying that when sober, you have the power to decide if you will drink or not. I’m saying that, even sober many of our choices are not made in complete freedom. Many of the character defects are still there, they affect choices even when sober. Perspectives are distorted. Some people may have emotional problems and act impulsively (without thinking). Some might be insecure and get pressured by old drinking buddies. Some people might have long-term brain chemistry imbalances from years of drinking.
ALL OF THESE THINGS CAN ROB US OF BEING ABLE TO FREELY CHOOSING NOT TO DRINK. Where is this power if simply the ability to chose is not enough? Like many programs state - willpower is not enough. I wish that all the power I needed to not drink was just to be sober.
As for one day at a time - it is a good short-term goal that can be repeated every day. Its easier than saying “I will never drink again!”. My problem is that people carry the idea too far and avoid long-term life-changing goals. Every day they wake up with the same problems that they had the day before and just “white knuckle it” another 24 hours. And make meetings, and meetings, and meetings, and meetings, ect……………….
Sunday, May 2, 2010
KISS
(a letter to me)
My way is one day at a time. KISS. "Keep it Simple Stupid", some of these posts on this blog are just too wordy, too long winded, frankly, I get bored. That's ok. do your thing.
I am content.
No desire to drink for years and years now.
Will never ever forget the retired recovering Alkie who used to attend all the daytime meetings, chairing at least one a month, at Perry Street Workshop (AA) NYC back in the early 1980s. As we left a meeting he would recite "If you don't like what you heard at this meetin'...there's another one here in an hour...DON'T DRINK TODAY, GO TO MEETINGS,ALL THE REST IS CONVERSATION"
That sunk in.
Works for me.
I live in so called "3rd world" (Real World)..have friends my age 60+ and older who are illiterate, some of them in recovery for years. Never have to "explain" their philosophy, we just ask one another.."Good 24 hours?"
Don't THINK too much....
dangerous for any alkie....
Happy roads to sobriety. Adios.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(my response)
I can respect your way of recovery which keeps it simple and works it one day at a time. I know of many people with long-term recovery who are satisfied by this. I also know of people, like myself, who are excited by self-discovery and like to dig into themselves a little deeper. I just have to remember that this knowledge is only enlightening - it will not prevent me from relapsing on its own.
A spiritual awakening over time would be best, but if you don't believe in it at least believe in a self-awakening over time. That is how I find my serenity in sobriety. If I just take things one day at a time, I don't see how I can continue the transformation into the person I strive to be as time moves on from day to day.
I was at a meeting about a year ago where this guy shared about his 47 years of sobriety. I asked him "After all of this time, do you still discover new things about yourself?"
He looked at me a said that he “has never learned anything new about himself since the day he began his recovery".
I didn't ask him, but I wanted to say "Do you think that maybe if you did try to get to know yourself a little better you wouldn't still need to make meetings after 47 years?"
My way is one day at a time. KISS. "Keep it Simple Stupid", some of these posts on this blog are just too wordy, too long winded, frankly, I get bored. That's ok. do your thing.
I am content.
No desire to drink for years and years now.
Will never ever forget the retired recovering Alkie who used to attend all the daytime meetings, chairing at least one a month, at Perry Street Workshop (AA) NYC back in the early 1980s. As we left a meeting he would recite "If you don't like what you heard at this meetin'...there's another one here in an hour...DON'T DRINK TODAY, GO TO MEETINGS,ALL THE REST IS CONVERSATION"
That sunk in.
Works for me.
I live in so called "3rd world" (Real World)..have friends my age 60+ and older who are illiterate, some of them in recovery for years. Never have to "explain" their philosophy, we just ask one another.."Good 24 hours?"
Don't THINK too much....
dangerous for any alkie....
Happy roads to sobriety. Adios.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(my response)
I can respect your way of recovery which keeps it simple and works it one day at a time. I know of many people with long-term recovery who are satisfied by this. I also know of people, like myself, who are excited by self-discovery and like to dig into themselves a little deeper. I just have to remember that this knowledge is only enlightening - it will not prevent me from relapsing on its own.
A spiritual awakening over time would be best, but if you don't believe in it at least believe in a self-awakening over time. That is how I find my serenity in sobriety. If I just take things one day at a time, I don't see how I can continue the transformation into the person I strive to be as time moves on from day to day.
I was at a meeting about a year ago where this guy shared about his 47 years of sobriety. I asked him "After all of this time, do you still discover new things about yourself?"
He looked at me a said that he “has never learned anything new about himself since the day he began his recovery".
I didn't ask him, but I wanted to say "Do you think that maybe if you did try to get to know yourself a little better you wouldn't still need to make meetings after 47 years?"
Saturday, May 1, 2010
POWERLESS?
(my initial e-mail was prompted as a response to people complaining about how AA pushes the ideal of powerlessness over alcohol. This internet group is centered on people in recovery who do NOT LIKE the AA program)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To group
Many people bash AA because they can't get over this powerless thing. Step 1 in the AA Big Book does NOT say that we ARE (and will always be) powerless over alcohol. It says "We admitted we WERE powerless over alcohol...." . If we are following a program (whatever it is) that works for us and keeps us sober, we MUST have SOME level of power over alcohol. We do not have complete power (for alcohol is still dangerous for us), but we are no longer powerless.
Smeer
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Smeer
You said - "We do not have complete power (for alcohol is still dangerous for us)"
Speaking for myself only, I DO and always had complete power over my drinking.
Do you think this is the right place to be quoting from the "AA Big Book"?
Who does have the complete control if we don't?
Take Care “X”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi “X”
I appreciate your response to my powerless e-mail. I am a very open-minded person who gets much out of open discussion with others. What I would like to do is respond to each of the 3 statements that you made one at a time.
Statement 1 “Speaking for myself only, I DO and always had complete power over my drinking.”
I guess the first thing I should do in responding to your first statement is to try to better define what I mean when I’m speaking of power/powerlessness. I went to a few dictionaries and pulled the definitions that best describe my understanding of “power” in the context that we are talking about. There are a few different aspects of the words meaning.
Power -
1. a) The ability or capacity to do something
b) The ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something.
If you are speaking power in ONLY this aspect, then I agree with you when you state that you always have “complete control” over your drinking (or not drinking). When I discuss power (or powerlessness) in the situation we are referring to, I am focusing the other aspects that continue to better define the meaning of this word -
2. Control and influence - the possession of control or command over someone or something
3. The ability or capacity to perform or act effectively
4. A person or thing that possesses or exercises authority or influence.
When I use the word power/powerlessness, I am thinking more in terms of control, or lack of. Power to me is not just the ability to drink or not, but the ability to control the choice to drink or not. If you choose to drink -
1 On impulse (without thinking it through)
2 For reasons not rational/logical because of an unhealthy emotional/physical/mental state
If you choose not to drink -
1. Out of continuous self-discipline based on strong feelings of fear, helplessness, or hate for alcohol (remaining in an unhealthy emotional/physical/mental state
2. Because you found new ways to delude yourself (higher power)
3. Taking away choice, by surrendering to a recovery program
In definition #4 - power can be a thing that possesses or exercises influence. The way I look at it, that sounds like alcohol has SOME power over me. If this is true, I can’t claim “complete power” over it.
Can you really say that you have “complete power over your drinking?
The broad definition of “power” includes control. Ability without control is NOT complete power.
Control -
1. The act or power of controlling; regulation; domination or command. The ability to run something: ability or authority to manage or direct something
2. To restrain or limit: to limit or restrict the occurrence or expression of somebody or something, especially to keep it from appearing, increasing, or spreading
3. To hold in check; curb
Statement 2 “Do you think this is the right place to be quoting from the "AA Big Book"?
I have so many differences of opinion with the AA 12 step recovery program, that I could probably write a book on them all. I’ll just mention one here - for a program that preaches “open-mindedness”, they don’t want to hear you share anything that goes outside of the Big Book. It is “their way or the highway“. In my e-mail, it might have been the first time I ever quoted anything out of the Big Book - I just did so to make a point about how they push the idea of powerlessness down your throat and, as usual, don’t really know what they’re even talking about. I thought that I would try LSR to find people who are open-minded. I don’t like AA fanatics and am now finding that I don’t like anti-AA fanatics either.
Statement 3 “Who does have the complete control if we don't?”
What makes you think that anyone, or anything has complete control - I certainly don’t. Even the people who believe in a “higher power” make the statement that God allows us to retain our free will - so they can’t really say (if they have any sense) that God even has complete control.
We may disagree on things, but I have complete respect for everyone who has found a way to stay clean and sober.
Take care Smeer
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m sure that this will continue, so I’ll follow it up in comments under this topic.
Stay tuned!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
To group
Many people bash AA because they can't get over this powerless thing. Step 1 in the AA Big Book does NOT say that we ARE (and will always be) powerless over alcohol. It says "We admitted we WERE powerless over alcohol...." . If we are following a program (whatever it is) that works for us and keeps us sober, we MUST have SOME level of power over alcohol. We do not have complete power (for alcohol is still dangerous for us), but we are no longer powerless.
Smeer
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Smeer
You said - "We do not have complete power (for alcohol is still dangerous for us)"
Speaking for myself only, I DO and always had complete power over my drinking.
Do you think this is the right place to be quoting from the "AA Big Book"?
Who does have the complete control if we don't?
Take Care “X”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi “X”
I appreciate your response to my powerless e-mail. I am a very open-minded person who gets much out of open discussion with others. What I would like to do is respond to each of the 3 statements that you made one at a time.
Statement 1 “Speaking for myself only, I DO and always had complete power over my drinking.”
I guess the first thing I should do in responding to your first statement is to try to better define what I mean when I’m speaking of power/powerlessness. I went to a few dictionaries and pulled the definitions that best describe my understanding of “power” in the context that we are talking about. There are a few different aspects of the words meaning.
Power -
1. a) The ability or capacity to do something
b) The ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something.
If you are speaking power in ONLY this aspect, then I agree with you when you state that you always have “complete control” over your drinking (or not drinking). When I discuss power (or powerlessness) in the situation we are referring to, I am focusing the other aspects that continue to better define the meaning of this word -
2. Control and influence - the possession of control or command over someone or something
3. The ability or capacity to perform or act effectively
4. A person or thing that possesses or exercises authority or influence.
When I use the word power/powerlessness, I am thinking more in terms of control, or lack of. Power to me is not just the ability to drink or not, but the ability to control the choice to drink or not. If you choose to drink -
1 On impulse (without thinking it through)
2 For reasons not rational/logical because of an unhealthy emotional/physical/mental state
If you choose not to drink -
1. Out of continuous self-discipline based on strong feelings of fear, helplessness, or hate for alcohol (remaining in an unhealthy emotional/physical/mental state
2. Because you found new ways to delude yourself (higher power)
3. Taking away choice, by surrendering to a recovery program
In definition #4 - power can be a thing that possesses or exercises influence. The way I look at it, that sounds like alcohol has SOME power over me. If this is true, I can’t claim “complete power” over it.
Can you really say that you have “complete power over your drinking?
The broad definition of “power” includes control. Ability without control is NOT complete power.
Control -
1. The act or power of controlling; regulation; domination or command. The ability to run something: ability or authority to manage or direct something
2. To restrain or limit: to limit or restrict the occurrence or expression of somebody or something, especially to keep it from appearing, increasing, or spreading
3. To hold in check; curb
Statement 2 “Do you think this is the right place to be quoting from the "AA Big Book"?
I have so many differences of opinion with the AA 12 step recovery program, that I could probably write a book on them all. I’ll just mention one here - for a program that preaches “open-mindedness”, they don’t want to hear you share anything that goes outside of the Big Book. It is “their way or the highway“. In my e-mail, it might have been the first time I ever quoted anything out of the Big Book - I just did so to make a point about how they push the idea of powerlessness down your throat and, as usual, don’t really know what they’re even talking about. I thought that I would try LSR to find people who are open-minded. I don’t like AA fanatics and am now finding that I don’t like anti-AA fanatics either.
Statement 3 “Who does have the complete control if we don't?”
What makes you think that anyone, or anything has complete control - I certainly don’t. Even the people who believe in a “higher power” make the statement that God allows us to retain our free will - so they can’t really say (if they have any sense) that God even has complete control.
We may disagree on things, but I have complete respect for everyone who has found a way to stay clean and sober.
Take care Smeer
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m sure that this will continue, so I’ll follow it up in comments under this topic.
Stay tuned!!!
Friday, April 30, 2010
NO ATTACHMENT
Some people might be pissed for me writing about this, but I can’t help believing what I believe and am not afraid to state my opinion on it. The purpose of recovery from drugs and alcohol is live a life without these things being a disruptive element anymore. Ones life should no longer be ‘attached’ to drugs and alcohol. The goal being to ’find a new way to live’.
1 The biggest thing to do this is not to use or drink AT ALL
(That one should be a no-brainer).
2 The next part involves taking the obsession or craving to use away by working on yourself. There are many different approaches to do this (including step work and spirituality) - I’m just trying to lump this general terms.
3 Once this is done, the next step is to stay involved in some type of maintenance process to avoid regressing back to the “old self” that had cravings and obsessions which led to using. Part of that maintenance usually involves giving back and helping others.
I have no problem with this general recovery plan - I use it myself. What bothers me is the way that some people follow it. When I say ‘bother’, I don’t mean that I’m bothered by a difference of opinion, or application. I feel that everyone has a right to use whatever recovery plan works best for them. I bring this up, because I am concerned that many people in recovery are denying themselves true freedom from drugs and alcohol. I see many continuing a course of action that keeps these substances a disruptive element in their lives - EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE ABSTAINING, WORKING ON THEMSELVES, AND RUNNING A MAINTENANCE PROCESS.
I feel I can say this, because I feel that many people in recovery remain ‘attached’ to drugs and alcohol - hence never enjoying true freedom from them. If there’re not using how are they attached?
Their attachment is now based on aversion (strong dislike) - a strong feeling of dislike or hatred of something. To be very averse to something – for instance, steering clear of alcohol – is a similar issue to craving, but working in reverse. The ideal is ‘no attachment’, neither craving nor averting. For some people in recovery look like people trapped in the cycle of craving and aversion, where their refusal to drink or use is symptomatic of an ongoing problem. To reach a higher spiritual level one should cultivate 'no attachment'.
I’m not saying that we should forget that drugs and alcohol are bad things and we certainly have to avoid them, but we don’t have to spend every waking minute reminding ourselves (and others) how much we hate them now. If we have really worked on ourselves and found some serenity, drugs and alcohol should hold no value over us in either a good or bad. How can one have any serenity if they still focus on this aversion?
Go to meetings, work with a sponsor, help spread the recovery message - do what you have to do for maintenance, but put it into a balance. Sure I usually spend a hour a day working on these blogs and go to a few meetings a week, but I do this so I can spend the rest of my time enjoying a normal life. My recovery is always there, but it runs beneath my awareness - only ready to pop up if needed. In fact most people that have come to know me in the last few years have no ideal that I had a drug problem
It amazes me how there are people with years in sobriety going to a dozen or more meetings a week, or standing on milk crates in the streets shouting AA slogans or not being able to hold a conversation with anyone without it turning into recovery talk. In my opinion, if you need to do all of this to stay clean, its time to REALLY do step work this time. Its time to REALLY work on yourself. If you spend your life in recovery always focusing on your strong aversion to drugs and alcohol, then the same underlying problems that caused you to crave them ARE STILL THERE to an unhealthy degree. This reminds me of my old life when, even when I wasn’t high, I was always focused on getting money for it, getting to the drug dealer, or waiting till I could sneak away and use.
To find real serenity the idea of no attachment should be used in ALL aspects of your life. Attachment can only be an illusion - you hold no real power over it. Admit that you are powerless over remaining attached to things. Attachment is a corruption that robs the true value of everything that you have. Take love for example. Love is a great and real thing, but it is something that one must enjoy for what it is - not possess. The magic of love is destroyed when one tries to attach to it. This can lead to fear of its loss, attempts at control, lack of trust, jealousy, ect.
1 The biggest thing to do this is not to use or drink AT ALL
(That one should be a no-brainer).
2 The next part involves taking the obsession or craving to use away by working on yourself. There are many different approaches to do this (including step work and spirituality) - I’m just trying to lump this general terms.
3 Once this is done, the next step is to stay involved in some type of maintenance process to avoid regressing back to the “old self” that had cravings and obsessions which led to using. Part of that maintenance usually involves giving back and helping others.
I have no problem with this general recovery plan - I use it myself. What bothers me is the way that some people follow it. When I say ‘bother’, I don’t mean that I’m bothered by a difference of opinion, or application. I feel that everyone has a right to use whatever recovery plan works best for them. I bring this up, because I am concerned that many people in recovery are denying themselves true freedom from drugs and alcohol. I see many continuing a course of action that keeps these substances a disruptive element in their lives - EVEN THOUGH THEY ARE ABSTAINING, WORKING ON THEMSELVES, AND RUNNING A MAINTENANCE PROCESS.
I feel I can say this, because I feel that many people in recovery remain ‘attached’ to drugs and alcohol - hence never enjoying true freedom from them. If there’re not using how are they attached?
Their attachment is now based on aversion (strong dislike) - a strong feeling of dislike or hatred of something. To be very averse to something – for instance, steering clear of alcohol – is a similar issue to craving, but working in reverse. The ideal is ‘no attachment’, neither craving nor averting. For some people in recovery look like people trapped in the cycle of craving and aversion, where their refusal to drink or use is symptomatic of an ongoing problem. To reach a higher spiritual level one should cultivate 'no attachment'.
I’m not saying that we should forget that drugs and alcohol are bad things and we certainly have to avoid them, but we don’t have to spend every waking minute reminding ourselves (and others) how much we hate them now. If we have really worked on ourselves and found some serenity, drugs and alcohol should hold no value over us in either a good or bad. How can one have any serenity if they still focus on this aversion?
Go to meetings, work with a sponsor, help spread the recovery message - do what you have to do for maintenance, but put it into a balance. Sure I usually spend a hour a day working on these blogs and go to a few meetings a week, but I do this so I can spend the rest of my time enjoying a normal life. My recovery is always there, but it runs beneath my awareness - only ready to pop up if needed. In fact most people that have come to know me in the last few years have no ideal that I had a drug problem
It amazes me how there are people with years in sobriety going to a dozen or more meetings a week, or standing on milk crates in the streets shouting AA slogans or not being able to hold a conversation with anyone without it turning into recovery talk. In my opinion, if you need to do all of this to stay clean, its time to REALLY do step work this time. Its time to REALLY work on yourself. If you spend your life in recovery always focusing on your strong aversion to drugs and alcohol, then the same underlying problems that caused you to crave them ARE STILL THERE to an unhealthy degree. This reminds me of my old life when, even when I wasn’t high, I was always focused on getting money for it, getting to the drug dealer, or waiting till I could sneak away and use.
To find real serenity the idea of no attachment should be used in ALL aspects of your life. Attachment can only be an illusion - you hold no real power over it. Admit that you are powerless over remaining attached to things. Attachment is a corruption that robs the true value of everything that you have. Take love for example. Love is a great and real thing, but it is something that one must enjoy for what it is - not possess. The magic of love is destroyed when one tries to attach to it. This can lead to fear of its loss, attempts at control, lack of trust, jealousy, ect.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
DEPENDENT ORIGINATION
The mental phenomena such as craving can be understood to be causally conditioned. In Buddhist's teachings there is something called the ‘law of dependent origination’ which asserts that sensory contact conditions feeling, feeling conditions craving, and craving conditions grasping. Meditative practice and 'mindfulness...' help to cultivate a gap between feeling and craving. It is in this space that we find our freedom, the freedom to have a choice rather than merely to react compulsively. The word buddha means “one who is awake”. To be awake to our inner world, rather than operating on automatic pilot, is a powerful preventative measure against relapse.
BEYOND UNDERSTANDING
It is well known to people in recovery that intellectual understanding alone is insufficient to motivate change. We need to move from understanding to conviction, achievable through experience. Smokers, for example, know that smoking causes them harm, yet sometimes the compulsion to smoke is irresistible. The language ...of the 12 steps, involving being “humble”, “willing” or “praying”, is not the language of intellectual analysis but of emotional commitment. 12 step recovery tries to engage the heart as well as the head. When the heart is engaged, we can find the motivation to transform ourselves through action.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
DISTORTED THINKING
If your having troubles dealing with reality, maybe its because your thinking is distorting it.
Cognitive distortions are exaggerated and irrational thoughts identified in cognitive therapy and its variants, which supposedly perpetuate certain psychological disorders. Eliminating these distortions and negative thought is said to improve mood and discourage maladies such as depression and chronic anxiety. The process of learning to refute these distortions is called "cognitive restructuring".
List of distortions -
All-or-nothing thinking (splitting) - Thinking of things in absolute terms, like "always", "every", "never", and "there is no alternative". Few aspects of human behavior are so absolute. (false dilemma.) All-or-nothing-thinking can contribute to depression.
Overgeneralization - Taking isolated cases and using them to make wide generalizations. (hasty generalization.)
Mental filter - Focusing almost exclusively on certain, usually negative or upsetting, aspects of an event while ignoring other positive aspects. For example, focusing on a tiny imperfection in a piece of otherwise useful clothing. (misleading vividness.)
Disqualifying the positive - Continually reemphasizing or "shooting down" positive experiences for arbitrary, ad hoc reasons.
Jumping to conclusions - Drawing conclusions (usually negative) from little (if any) evidence. Two specific subtypes are also identified:
Mind reading - Assuming special knowledge of the intentions or thoughts of others.
Fortune telling - Exaggerating how things will turn out before they happen. (slippery slope.)
Magnification and minimization - Distorting aspects of a memory or situation through magnifying or minimizing them such that they no longer correspond to objective reality. This is common enough in the normal population to popularize idioms such as "make a mountain out of a molehill." In depressed people, often the positive characteristics of other people are exaggerated and negative characteristics are understated. There is one subtype of magnification:
Catastrophizing - Focusing on the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or thinking that a situation is unbearable or impossible when it is really just uncomfortable.
Emotional reasoning - Making decisions and arguments based on intuitions or personal feeling rather than an objective rationale and evidence. (appeal to consequences.)
Should statements - Patterns of thought which imply the way things "should" or "ought to be" rather than the actual situation the person is faced with, or having rigid rules which the person believes will "always apply" no matter what the circumstances are. (wishful thinking.)
Labeling and mislabeling - Explaining behaviors or events, merely by naming them; related to overgeneralization. Rather than describing the specific behavior, a person assigns a label to someone or themselves that implies absolute and unalterable terms. Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
Personalization - Attribution of personal responsibility (or causal role) for events over which the person has no control. This pattern is also applied to other in the attribution of blame.
Cognitive distortions are exaggerated and irrational thoughts identified in cognitive therapy and its variants, which supposedly perpetuate certain psychological disorders. Eliminating these distortions and negative thought is said to improve mood and discourage maladies such as depression and chronic anxiety. The process of learning to refute these distortions is called "cognitive restructuring".
List of distortions -
All-or-nothing thinking (splitting) - Thinking of things in absolute terms, like "always", "every", "never", and "there is no alternative". Few aspects of human behavior are so absolute. (false dilemma.) All-or-nothing-thinking can contribute to depression.
Overgeneralization - Taking isolated cases and using them to make wide generalizations. (hasty generalization.)
Mental filter - Focusing almost exclusively on certain, usually negative or upsetting, aspects of an event while ignoring other positive aspects. For example, focusing on a tiny imperfection in a piece of otherwise useful clothing. (misleading vividness.)
Disqualifying the positive - Continually reemphasizing or "shooting down" positive experiences for arbitrary, ad hoc reasons.
Jumping to conclusions - Drawing conclusions (usually negative) from little (if any) evidence. Two specific subtypes are also identified:
Mind reading - Assuming special knowledge of the intentions or thoughts of others.
Fortune telling - Exaggerating how things will turn out before they happen. (slippery slope.)
Magnification and minimization - Distorting aspects of a memory or situation through magnifying or minimizing them such that they no longer correspond to objective reality. This is common enough in the normal population to popularize idioms such as "make a mountain out of a molehill." In depressed people, often the positive characteristics of other people are exaggerated and negative characteristics are understated. There is one subtype of magnification:
Catastrophizing - Focusing on the worst possible outcome, however unlikely, or thinking that a situation is unbearable or impossible when it is really just uncomfortable.
Emotional reasoning - Making decisions and arguments based on intuitions or personal feeling rather than an objective rationale and evidence. (appeal to consequences.)
Should statements - Patterns of thought which imply the way things "should" or "ought to be" rather than the actual situation the person is faced with, or having rigid rules which the person believes will "always apply" no matter what the circumstances are. (wishful thinking.)
Labeling and mislabeling - Explaining behaviors or events, merely by naming them; related to overgeneralization. Rather than describing the specific behavior, a person assigns a label to someone or themselves that implies absolute and unalterable terms. Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
Personalization - Attribution of personal responsibility (or causal role) for events over which the person has no control. This pattern is also applied to other in the attribution of blame.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Defense mechanisms - overview
Defense mechanisms are unconscious psychological strategies brought into play to cope with reality and to maintain self-image. These defenses make possible compromise solutions to personal problems or conflicts. The compromise generally involves concealing from oneself internal drives or feelings that threaten to lower self-esteem or provoke anxiety.
They are more accurately referred to as ego defense mechanisms, and can thus be categorized as occurring when ones underlying impulses are in conflict with each other, when the underlying impulses conflict with ones moral values and beliefs, and when an external threat is posed to the ego.
There is nothing inherently wrong with using defense mechanisms. Healthy persons normally use different defenses throughout life. They tend to become pathological (self-destructive) only when its persistent use leads to maladaptive behavior such that the physical and/or mental health of the individual is adversely affected.
The American Psychiatric Association has published a breakdown of different defense mechanisms putting them into different categories. Level 1 are considered the most self-destructive, moving up to level 4 which are considered the most “normal”, or healthy (even though their use is still not the best solution to cope, or maintain self-image). The following is taken from the APA book, but somewhat re-written by me to take all the “doctor” language out. I put each level on a different post to follow. Try to go down the list and see which ones you may have used.
They are more accurately referred to as ego defense mechanisms, and can thus be categorized as occurring when ones underlying impulses are in conflict with each other, when the underlying impulses conflict with ones moral values and beliefs, and when an external threat is posed to the ego.
There is nothing inherently wrong with using defense mechanisms. Healthy persons normally use different defenses throughout life. They tend to become pathological (self-destructive) only when its persistent use leads to maladaptive behavior such that the physical and/or mental health of the individual is adversely affected.
The American Psychiatric Association has published a breakdown of different defense mechanisms putting them into different categories. Level 1 are considered the most self-destructive, moving up to level 4 which are considered the most “normal”, or healthy (even though their use is still not the best solution to cope, or maintain self-image). The following is taken from the APA book, but somewhat re-written by me to take all the “doctor” language out. I put each level on a different post to follow. Try to go down the list and see which ones you may have used.
Defense mechanisms - level 1
Level 1 - Pathological
The mechanisms on this level, when predominating, almost always are severely pathological. These four defenses, in conjunction, permit one to effectively rearrange external experiences to eliminate the need to cope with reality. The pathological users of these mechanisms frequently appear crazy to others. These are the "psychotic" defenses. However, they are found in dreams and throughout childhood as well, because children have not yet learned better ways to cope.
They include:
Delusional Projection: Grossly frank delusions about external reality, usually feelings of being victim to cruel or unfair treatment.
Denial: Refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening; arguing against an anxiety-provoking situation by stating it doesn't exist; resolution of emotional conflict and reduction of anxiety by refusing to perceive or consciously acknowledge the more unpleasant aspects of external reality.
Distortion: A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.
Splitting: A primitive defense. Negative and positive impulses are split off and unintegrated. Fundamental example: An individual views other people as either innately good or innately evil, rather than a whole continuous being.
The mechanisms on this level, when predominating, almost always are severely pathological. These four defenses, in conjunction, permit one to effectively rearrange external experiences to eliminate the need to cope with reality. The pathological users of these mechanisms frequently appear crazy to others. These are the "psychotic" defenses. However, they are found in dreams and throughout childhood as well, because children have not yet learned better ways to cope.
They include:
Delusional Projection: Grossly frank delusions about external reality, usually feelings of being victim to cruel or unfair treatment.
Denial: Refusal to accept external reality because it is too threatening; arguing against an anxiety-provoking situation by stating it doesn't exist; resolution of emotional conflict and reduction of anxiety by refusing to perceive or consciously acknowledge the more unpleasant aspects of external reality.
Distortion: A gross reshaping of external reality to meet internal needs.
Splitting: A primitive defense. Negative and positive impulses are split off and unintegrated. Fundamental example: An individual views other people as either innately good or innately evil, rather than a whole continuous being.
Defense mechanisms - level 2
Level 2 - Immature
These mechanisms are often present in adults and more commonly present in adolescents. These mechanisms lessen distress and anxiety provoked by threatening people or by uncomfortable reality. People who excessively use such defenses are seen as socially undesirable in that they are immature, difficult to deal with and seriously out of touch with reality. These are the so-called "immature" defenses and overuse almost always leads to serious problems in a person's ability to cope effectively. These defenses are often seen in severe depression and personality disorders. In adolescence, the occurrence of all of these defenses is normal.
They include:
Acting out: Direct expression of an unconscious wish or impulse in action, without conscious awareness of the emotion that drives that expressive behavior.
Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts.
Idealization: Unconsciously choosing to perceive another individual as having more positive qualities than he or she may actually have.
Passive aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively such as using procrastination.
Projection: Projection is a primitive form of paranoia. Projection also reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the undesirable impulses or desires without becoming consciously aware of them; attributing one's own unacknowledged unacceptable/unwanted thoughts and emotions to another; includes severe prejudice, severe jealousy, hyper vigilance to external danger, and "injustice collecting". It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations are perceived as being possessed by the other.
Projective identification: The object of projection invokes in that person precisely the thoughts, feelings or behaviors projected.
Somatization: The transformation of negative feelings towards others into negative feelings toward self, pain, illness, and anxiety.
These mechanisms are often present in adults and more commonly present in adolescents. These mechanisms lessen distress and anxiety provoked by threatening people or by uncomfortable reality. People who excessively use such defenses are seen as socially undesirable in that they are immature, difficult to deal with and seriously out of touch with reality. These are the so-called "immature" defenses and overuse almost always leads to serious problems in a person's ability to cope effectively. These defenses are often seen in severe depression and personality disorders. In adolescence, the occurrence of all of these defenses is normal.
They include:
Acting out: Direct expression of an unconscious wish or impulse in action, without conscious awareness of the emotion that drives that expressive behavior.
Fantasy: Tendency to retreat into fantasy in order to resolve inner and outer conflicts.
Idealization: Unconsciously choosing to perceive another individual as having more positive qualities than he or she may actually have.
Passive aggression: Aggression towards others expressed indirectly or passively such as using procrastination.
Projection: Projection is a primitive form of paranoia. Projection also reduces anxiety by allowing the expression of the undesirable impulses or desires without becoming consciously aware of them; attributing one's own unacknowledged unacceptable/unwanted thoughts and emotions to another; includes severe prejudice, severe jealousy, hyper vigilance to external danger, and "injustice collecting". It is shifting one's unacceptable thoughts, feelings and impulses within oneself onto someone else, such that those same thoughts, feelings, beliefs and motivations are perceived as being possessed by the other.
Projective identification: The object of projection invokes in that person precisely the thoughts, feelings or behaviors projected.
Somatization: The transformation of negative feelings towards others into negative feelings toward self, pain, illness, and anxiety.
Defense mechanisms - level 3
Level 3 - Neurotic
These mechanisms are considered neurotic, but fairly common in adults. Such defenses have short-term advantages in coping, but can often cause long-term problems in relationships, work and in enjoying life when used as one's primary style of coping with the world.
They include:
Displacement: Defense mechanism that shifts sexual or aggressive impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target; redirecting emotion to a safer outlet; separation of emotion from its real object and redirection of the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less offensive or threatening in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening. For example, a mother may yell at her child because she is angry with her husband.
Dissociation: Temporary drastic modification of one's personal identity or character to avoid emotional distress; separation or postponement of a feeling that normally would accompany a situation or thought.
Hypochondriasis: An excessive preoccupation or worry about having a serious illness.
Intellectualization: A form of isolation; concentrating on the intellectual components of a situation so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions; separation of emotion from ideas; thinking about wishes in formal, affectively bland terms and not acting on them; avoiding unacceptable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects
Isolation: Separation of feelings from ideas and events, for example, describing a murder with graphic details with no emotional response.
Rationalization: Where a person convinces him or herself that no wrong was done and that all is or was all right through faulty and false reasoning. An indicator of this defense mechanism can be seen socially as the formulation of convenient excuses.
Reaction Formation: Converting unconscious wishes or impulses that are perceived to be dangerous into their opposites; behavior that is completely the opposite of what one really wants or feels; taking the opposite belief because the true belief causes anxiety. This defense can work effectively for coping in the short term, but will eventually break down.
Regression: Temporary reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way.
Repression: Process of pulling thoughts into the unconscious and preventing painful or dangerous thoughts from entering consciousness; seemingly unexplainable naivety, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one's own situation and condition; the emotion is conscious, but the idea behind it is absent.
Undoing: A person tries to 'undo' an unhealthy, destructive or otherwise threatening thought by engaging in contrary behavior.
These mechanisms are considered neurotic, but fairly common in adults. Such defenses have short-term advantages in coping, but can often cause long-term problems in relationships, work and in enjoying life when used as one's primary style of coping with the world.
They include:
Displacement: Defense mechanism that shifts sexual or aggressive impulses to a more acceptable or less threatening target; redirecting emotion to a safer outlet; separation of emotion from its real object and redirection of the intense emotion toward someone or something that is less offensive or threatening in order to avoid dealing directly with what is frightening or threatening. For example, a mother may yell at her child because she is angry with her husband.
Dissociation: Temporary drastic modification of one's personal identity or character to avoid emotional distress; separation or postponement of a feeling that normally would accompany a situation or thought.
Hypochondriasis: An excessive preoccupation or worry about having a serious illness.
Intellectualization: A form of isolation; concentrating on the intellectual components of a situation so as to distance oneself from the associated anxiety-provoking emotions; separation of emotion from ideas; thinking about wishes in formal, affectively bland terms and not acting on them; avoiding unacceptable emotions by focusing on the intellectual aspects
Isolation: Separation of feelings from ideas and events, for example, describing a murder with graphic details with no emotional response.
Rationalization: Where a person convinces him or herself that no wrong was done and that all is or was all right through faulty and false reasoning. An indicator of this defense mechanism can be seen socially as the formulation of convenient excuses.
Reaction Formation: Converting unconscious wishes or impulses that are perceived to be dangerous into their opposites; behavior that is completely the opposite of what one really wants or feels; taking the opposite belief because the true belief causes anxiety. This defense can work effectively for coping in the short term, but will eventually break down.
Regression: Temporary reversion of the ego to an earlier stage of development rather than handling unacceptable impulses in a more adult way.
Repression: Process of pulling thoughts into the unconscious and preventing painful or dangerous thoughts from entering consciousness; seemingly unexplainable naivety, memory lapse or lack of awareness of one's own situation and condition; the emotion is conscious, but the idea behind it is absent.
Undoing: A person tries to 'undo' an unhealthy, destructive or otherwise threatening thought by engaging in contrary behavior.
Defense mechanisms - level 4
Level 4 - Mature
These are commonly found among emotionally healthy adults and are considered mature, even though many have their origins in an immature stage of development. They have been adapted through the years in order to optimize success in life and relationships. The use of these defenses enhances pleasure and feelings of control. These defenses help us integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts, while still remaining effective. Those who use these mechanisms are usually considered virtuous.
They include:
Altruism: Constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction.
Anticipation: Realistic planning for future discomfort.
Humor: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. Humor, which explores the absurdity inherent in any event, enables someone to "tell it like it is". While humor is a form of displacement (see above under Level 3), here humor is used to refer to the serious or distressing not by really displacing it; the thoughts remain distressing, but they are "skirted round" by jokes.
Identification: The unconscious modeling of one's self upon another person's character and behavior.
Introjection: Identifying with some idea or object so deeply that it becomes a part of that person.
Sublimation: Transformation of negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behavior, or emotion.
Thought suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; making it possible to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions while accepting them.
These are commonly found among emotionally healthy adults and are considered mature, even though many have their origins in an immature stage of development. They have been adapted through the years in order to optimize success in life and relationships. The use of these defenses enhances pleasure and feelings of control. These defenses help us integrate conflicting emotions and thoughts, while still remaining effective. Those who use these mechanisms are usually considered virtuous.
They include:
Altruism: Constructive service to others that brings pleasure and personal satisfaction.
Anticipation: Realistic planning for future discomfort.
Humor: Overt expression of ideas and feelings (especially those that are unpleasant to focus on or too terrible to talk about) that gives pleasure to others. Humor, which explores the absurdity inherent in any event, enables someone to "tell it like it is". While humor is a form of displacement (see above under Level 3), here humor is used to refer to the serious or distressing not by really displacing it; the thoughts remain distressing, but they are "skirted round" by jokes.
Identification: The unconscious modeling of one's self upon another person's character and behavior.
Introjection: Identifying with some idea or object so deeply that it becomes a part of that person.
Sublimation: Transformation of negative emotions or instincts into positive actions, behavior, or emotion.
Thought suppression: The conscious process of pushing thoughts into the preconscious; the conscious decision to delay paying attention to an emotion or need in order to cope with the present reality; making it possible to later access uncomfortable or distressing emotions while accepting them.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
SELF-FORGIVENESS
In my experience, the path to being truly spiritual can be blocked by many self-imposed doors. A big problem for me was being able to forgive myself. I turned to spirituality to feel graced by God’s forgiveness to heal my own guilt, but much later on came to understand that I was keeping a door shut which prevented the true Divine blessing of forgiveness from being a part of my life. Maybe you can relate to this - “I know that God forgives me, but I still can’t forgive myself.”.
Later, when I saw the trap in this way of thinking, I came to realize that I was only accepting God’s forgiveness on a superficial level. I now believe that the deeper aspect of forgiveness from another is that it must lead to self-forgiveness. If I believe that God has forgiven me, I now must see that He is inviting me to forgive myself. I don’t know about you, but when I came to understand this invitation to self-forgiveness, all I could think was “I can’t do that!”
It took me a long time to overcome this way of thinking, but now that I have acted on the invitation, I see a big change in how I feel about myself. God must be taken up on this invitation - if not, I believe that one can never genuinely experience God’s forgiveness which includes the fullness of redemption and reconciliation with oneself. Even worse, only accepting God’s forgiveness, but not self-forgiveness, causes a contradiction that can lead to even more pain in life. Because of this pain, I went through many years punishing myself. What better way is there to withhold self-forgiveness than by self-punishment, self-pity, and self-condemnation?
Why did I find self-forgiveness too hard to do? It hurts! To forgive myself, I have to first come to terms with what I have done and convict myself on it. I tried many ways to avoid this painful experience -
The first was to think that I didn’t need to forgive myself and just needed God to forgive me (we talked about why that doesn’t work).
The second was to cop out on a plea of ignorance, or insanity. Though there might be some truth in this - the guilt is still based on the fact that I chose to do these things, regardless of the circumstances. (this didn’t work because the guilt can’t be dodged by excuses)
The third was to be vague on the crimes that I committed - instead of really looking at what I had done in detail, I just clumped them together and said, “I forgive myself for being the asshole I used to be”. (this didn’t work because it still avoids the depth of the guilt that I am trying to forgive).
For me to find self-forgiveness IT HURT! The good news is that now that I passed through that dark trial, I have come to find true sense of self-forgiveness and allowed God‘s into my life. I no longer carry a heavy load of resentments, regrets, and guilt around with me. I haven’t forgotten what I have done, but I don’t still beat myself up over it. This has allowed me to enter a new, grander phase in the path of my spiritual awakening.
Later, when I saw the trap in this way of thinking, I came to realize that I was only accepting God’s forgiveness on a superficial level. I now believe that the deeper aspect of forgiveness from another is that it must lead to self-forgiveness. If I believe that God has forgiven me, I now must see that He is inviting me to forgive myself. I don’t know about you, but when I came to understand this invitation to self-forgiveness, all I could think was “I can’t do that!”
It took me a long time to overcome this way of thinking, but now that I have acted on the invitation, I see a big change in how I feel about myself. God must be taken up on this invitation - if not, I believe that one can never genuinely experience God’s forgiveness which includes the fullness of redemption and reconciliation with oneself. Even worse, only accepting God’s forgiveness, but not self-forgiveness, causes a contradiction that can lead to even more pain in life. Because of this pain, I went through many years punishing myself. What better way is there to withhold self-forgiveness than by self-punishment, self-pity, and self-condemnation?
Why did I find self-forgiveness too hard to do? It hurts! To forgive myself, I have to first come to terms with what I have done and convict myself on it. I tried many ways to avoid this painful experience -
The first was to think that I didn’t need to forgive myself and just needed God to forgive me (we talked about why that doesn’t work).
The second was to cop out on a plea of ignorance, or insanity. Though there might be some truth in this - the guilt is still based on the fact that I chose to do these things, regardless of the circumstances. (this didn’t work because the guilt can’t be dodged by excuses)
The third was to be vague on the crimes that I committed - instead of really looking at what I had done in detail, I just clumped them together and said, “I forgive myself for being the asshole I used to be”. (this didn’t work because it still avoids the depth of the guilt that I am trying to forgive).
For me to find self-forgiveness IT HURT! The good news is that now that I passed through that dark trial, I have come to find true sense of self-forgiveness and allowed God‘s into my life. I no longer carry a heavy load of resentments, regrets, and guilt around with me. I haven’t forgotten what I have done, but I don’t still beat myself up over it. This has allowed me to enter a new, grander phase in the path of my spiritual awakening.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL?
I was confronted by a person yesterday who I could tell was mad as hell. Every non-verbal sign that his body gave off, convinced me of it. Yet, when I tried to get him to calm down, he tried to convince me that he wasn’t mad. The craziest thing is that I really think that he believed that he wasn’t mad. I explained to him something I learned years ago and it seemed to make him much more self-aware of his true self. I always thought that many people knew this, but found many who don’t. I figure that this is important to pass on.
For a long time I always had a problem really knowing what my true feeling were at any given moment. This became important to me because my emotions very easily made a lot of choices for me without spending the time to really think ‘Is this a good idea?’. The illusion is that when you surrender to your emotions, you feel the most free - when in fact you are being controlled by them. Many times my thinking mind was not truly aware of how I was really feeling, because ‘It doesn’t make sense that I should feel this way’.
Feelings don’t have to make sense to you conscious thinking mind - many times they are based on instincts and subconscious beliefs that we have no voluntary control over. The brain is actually hard-wired this way as a survival trait. Many times one needs to react too quickly to waste time to think about what to do. It works good in many life-and death situations but stinking thinking in your subconscious beliefs can lead to many unhealthy feelings. Believe it or not, there is a part of the brain that controls emotions that has its own self-contained memory - completely separate from our main memory. Many strong emotional responses from our past are stored there. Many of these are negative emotions and not even based on healthy thinking. Maybe you mother locked you in your room when you were 3 years old for being bad. You were in terror from this - now years later you might acquire strong feelings of fear that prevent you from admitting some present bad action.
Here I go moving way off topic again when all I wanted to do was do a short post. Here’s my trick to being aware of how I truly feel at any moment-
Don’t try to use your thinking mind to determine how you feel. Many times it will tell you wrong.
Become aware off what your body is doing. Like I said, most emotions are hard-wired to the body without passing through the thinking mind first. Learn to become ware of how your body reacts to certain emotions. Anger might cause your heart to race, or your muscles may tighten up. Sadness might make your stomach sick. Severe depression might cause you to sleep a lot. Manic moods might make you feel invincible and give you excess energy.
Learn to realize that your true feelings can be determined by what state your body is in - not by how you think you feel.
For a long time I always had a problem really knowing what my true feeling were at any given moment. This became important to me because my emotions very easily made a lot of choices for me without spending the time to really think ‘Is this a good idea?’. The illusion is that when you surrender to your emotions, you feel the most free - when in fact you are being controlled by them. Many times my thinking mind was not truly aware of how I was really feeling, because ‘It doesn’t make sense that I should feel this way’.
Feelings don’t have to make sense to you conscious thinking mind - many times they are based on instincts and subconscious beliefs that we have no voluntary control over. The brain is actually hard-wired this way as a survival trait. Many times one needs to react too quickly to waste time to think about what to do. It works good in many life-and death situations but stinking thinking in your subconscious beliefs can lead to many unhealthy feelings. Believe it or not, there is a part of the brain that controls emotions that has its own self-contained memory - completely separate from our main memory. Many strong emotional responses from our past are stored there. Many of these are negative emotions and not even based on healthy thinking. Maybe you mother locked you in your room when you were 3 years old for being bad. You were in terror from this - now years later you might acquire strong feelings of fear that prevent you from admitting some present bad action.
Here I go moving way off topic again when all I wanted to do was do a short post. Here’s my trick to being aware of how I truly feel at any moment-
Don’t try to use your thinking mind to determine how you feel. Many times it will tell you wrong.
Become aware off what your body is doing. Like I said, most emotions are hard-wired to the body without passing through the thinking mind first. Learn to become ware of how your body reacts to certain emotions. Anger might cause your heart to race, or your muscles may tighten up. Sadness might make your stomach sick. Severe depression might cause you to sleep a lot. Manic moods might make you feel invincible and give you excess energy.
Learn to realize that your true feelings can be determined by what state your body is in - not by how you think you feel.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
THE NEED FOR BEING SPIRITUAL
I was sharing at a Step meeting and said some stuff that people told me they got a lot out of.
We were reading out of the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions book and were focusing on why our basic instincts seem to run amok. I’m gonna try to recap it here.
I always have a lot to say about the 4th step, but the point I tried to make here is how by doing my personal inventory I was able to see how badly I fell victim to living my life completely on trying to satisfy my ‘corrupted perspective’ instincts alone. By doing this I was able to see the NEED for having a spiritual base in my existence. The 3rd step cracked the door to a higher power open, but the 4th step swung it open a lot more.
All animals have instincts which help them survive (security, shelter, companionship, reproduction, ect). Humans also have these same survival instincts. The problem is that humans have a capacity and NEED for something more - spirituality. This is what truly sets us apart from all other animals (I believe much more so than our level of intellect). The problem is that this blessing can turn into a curse if we don’t come to realize that we MUST USE our spiritual capacity. If we turn away from establishing a spiritual foundation in our lives, the result will always be self-destructive. Some may not destroy their lives by this behavior (like alcoholics & addicts), but will still go through life feeling that some basic need was never addressed. People often describe it as a ’hole’ inside that can never be completely satisfied by anything they try to fill it with. ‘Things’ may temporarily diminish the craving to ’fill the hole’, but in the end the hole returns as empty as it was before.
Having worked on establishing a spiritual foundation in my life I feel so much more complete. I feel that I am living closer to the way that I was designed to be. I still have survival instincts that are attended to, but they help me survive - THEY DON’T RULE OVER MY LIFE. True joy comes from within (my spiritual connection). I have finally found a way to start filling the ‘hole’ with what is truly meant to be put in it.
We were reading out of the 12 Steps & 12 Traditions book and were focusing on why our basic instincts seem to run amok. I’m gonna try to recap it here.
I always have a lot to say about the 4th step, but the point I tried to make here is how by doing my personal inventory I was able to see how badly I fell victim to living my life completely on trying to satisfy my ‘corrupted perspective’ instincts alone. By doing this I was able to see the NEED for having a spiritual base in my existence. The 3rd step cracked the door to a higher power open, but the 4th step swung it open a lot more.
All animals have instincts which help them survive (security, shelter, companionship, reproduction, ect). Humans also have these same survival instincts. The problem is that humans have a capacity and NEED for something more - spirituality. This is what truly sets us apart from all other animals (I believe much more so than our level of intellect). The problem is that this blessing can turn into a curse if we don’t come to realize that we MUST USE our spiritual capacity. If we turn away from establishing a spiritual foundation in our lives, the result will always be self-destructive. Some may not destroy their lives by this behavior (like alcoholics & addicts), but will still go through life feeling that some basic need was never addressed. People often describe it as a ’hole’ inside that can never be completely satisfied by anything they try to fill it with. ‘Things’ may temporarily diminish the craving to ’fill the hole’, but in the end the hole returns as empty as it was before.
Having worked on establishing a spiritual foundation in my life I feel so much more complete. I feel that I am living closer to the way that I was designed to be. I still have survival instincts that are attended to, but they help me survive - THEY DON’T RULE OVER MY LIFE. True joy comes from within (my spiritual connection). I have finally found a way to start filling the ‘hole’ with what is truly meant to be put in it.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
GET INVOLVED, & smeer on facebook
I love everyones E-mails and other messages sent directly to me, but unless they are of a truely personal nature, put them on the blogs as comments. I am trying to get people involved IN the blog sites. Become a follower of the sites. Post your ideas!!!
Also check out my facebook page -
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=430264765190
Also check out my facebook page -
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=430264765190
KB comment sent to me
Saw your blog post on King Baby - excellent. I was exposed to this at my very 1st rehab. I have shared many times over the years about this analysis. I always summarize King Baby as "addicts are people who never outgrew the total self-centered of the child". Unfortunately, since it is not currently incorporated in most 12 step fellowship literature, many addicts and alcholics haven't had the benefit of this information. I appreciate that you do not support any specific 12 step fellowship as I believe at the end of the day there is only one true membership and this is "Anonymous". One disease, one program for recovery. The 12 steps and the support necessary to maintain the path. Thanks for posting!
HAPPINESS
The person who is able to indulge all his moods and feelings is never happy for long, for most of the time, he is miserable. Our moments of real happiness are glimpses of objectivity, when we somehow rise above the stifling, make-believe world of our subjective desires and feelings.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
KB - A MUST READ PAMPHLET
I don't normally want to post recovery literature directly onto this site, but I have found that many people have never read this before. I believe that this pamphlet is to insightful to not pass on to others.
KING BABY
Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation
The following is the complete pamphlet, but broken down into a series of posts so people can add comments to each section.
KING BABY
Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation
The following is the complete pamphlet, but broken down into a series of posts so people can add comments to each section.
KB part 1
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 1)
About the pamphlet:
This pamphlet discusses the King Baby personality - the childish traits seen in people who have reached adulthood without acquiring emotional maturity. Not only must these traits be surrendered before chemical dependency can be fully arrested, but the presence of this King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse.
About the author:
Tom Cunningham has worked in the chemical dependency field for ten years. He holds a B.A. degree from the University of Minnesota and currently works as an inpatient counselor for chemically dependent adolescents and young adults.
INTRODUCTION
Dr. Harry Tiebout used "His Majesty, the Baby," the words of psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, to describe an inborn attitude. The term King Baby could just as well be Queen Baby, because we all probably have this infantile ego in our unconscious minds. Chemically dependent people must be especially aware of King Baby characteristics; for these attitudes and behaviors can interfere with recovery.
In our Twelve Step programs, we repeatedly see the need and make the attempt to surrender - to turn our lives and our will over to the care of God. We have slogans that emphasize the necessity and rewards of the Third Step: Let Go and Let God, What's Turned Over Turns Out. The recognition of powerlessness is the basis of surrender, but the act of surrendering comes with the total acceptance of that powerlessness. Many of us who have difficulty with the First Step may recognize our powerlessness but be unwilling to accept it. In other words, we are able to see and understand it, but our need for control prevents us from committing ourselves to this very necessary act of surrender. Our egos interfere. Our immaturity demands we retain control. Our King Baby mentality insists we direct our lives and control our wills. In doing so, King Baby obstructs our healthy recovery.
In this pamphlet, we will learn to identify the infantile King Baby ego within us. Our childish personality traits must be surrendered before our disease can be fully arrested. The compulsive King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse. We have to maintain our awareness of these tendencies as we work our Twelve Step recovery program in Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous.
WHO IS KING BABY?
To understand King Baby, let's imagine for a moment we're returning to the womb. Here we feel warmth, security, com-fort, freedom, and power. All our needs are taken care of. We are the center of our universe. We are cared for just because we exist, and we are perfectly content. Infancy also encourages our King Baby attitudes. Our loud demands for food, attention, and care are answered immediately. We are again the center of a vast kingdom; our wishes are all-important. Through the natural maturing processes of childhood and adulthood, most of the King Baby mentality is discarded and replaced by more appropriate coping skills.
Some of us, however, advanced through the stages of physical growth without shedding this immature creature - King Baby. For us, King Baby never forgets the wonderful, warm security of prenatal and infant life and will try again and again to experience it. King Baby strives to recapture the total contentment of every need being met.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 1)
About the pamphlet:
This pamphlet discusses the King Baby personality - the childish traits seen in people who have reached adulthood without acquiring emotional maturity. Not only must these traits be surrendered before chemical dependency can be fully arrested, but the presence of this King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse.
About the author:
Tom Cunningham has worked in the chemical dependency field for ten years. He holds a B.A. degree from the University of Minnesota and currently works as an inpatient counselor for chemically dependent adolescents and young adults.
INTRODUCTION
Dr. Harry Tiebout used "His Majesty, the Baby," the words of psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud, to describe an inborn attitude. The term King Baby could just as well be Queen Baby, because we all probably have this infantile ego in our unconscious minds. Chemically dependent people must be especially aware of King Baby characteristics; for these attitudes and behaviors can interfere with recovery.
In our Twelve Step programs, we repeatedly see the need and make the attempt to surrender - to turn our lives and our will over to the care of God. We have slogans that emphasize the necessity and rewards of the Third Step: Let Go and Let God, What's Turned Over Turns Out. The recognition of powerlessness is the basis of surrender, but the act of surrendering comes with the total acceptance of that powerlessness. Many of us who have difficulty with the First Step may recognize our powerlessness but be unwilling to accept it. In other words, we are able to see and understand it, but our need for control prevents us from committing ourselves to this very necessary act of surrender. Our egos interfere. Our immaturity demands we retain control. Our King Baby mentality insists we direct our lives and control our wills. In doing so, King Baby obstructs our healthy recovery.
In this pamphlet, we will learn to identify the infantile King Baby ego within us. Our childish personality traits must be surrendered before our disease can be fully arrested. The compulsive King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse. We have to maintain our awareness of these tendencies as we work our Twelve Step recovery program in Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous.
WHO IS KING BABY?
To understand King Baby, let's imagine for a moment we're returning to the womb. Here we feel warmth, security, com-fort, freedom, and power. All our needs are taken care of. We are the center of our universe. We are cared for just because we exist, and we are perfectly content. Infancy also encourages our King Baby attitudes. Our loud demands for food, attention, and care are answered immediately. We are again the center of a vast kingdom; our wishes are all-important. Through the natural maturing processes of childhood and adulthood, most of the King Baby mentality is discarded and replaced by more appropriate coping skills.
Some of us, however, advanced through the stages of physical growth without shedding this immature creature - King Baby. For us, King Baby never forgets the wonderful, warm security of prenatal and infant life and will try again and again to experience it. King Baby strives to recapture the total contentment of every need being met.
KB part 2
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 2)
KING BABY CHARACTERISTICS
In attempting to regain the security of infancy, King Babies continue to function with the same feelings that gratified them so long ago. Tiebout says that "when infantile traits continue into adulthood, the person is spoken of as immature" and this immaturity is tied to the traits of feelings of omnipotence, inability to accept frustrations, and doing things hurriedly.'
King Babies share a wide range of personality traits. None of us has all of these traits, but we will probably find many that describe us. King Babies may show these characteristics:
1. often become angry at or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way
2. seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process
3. are able to make a good first impression but are unable to follow through
4. have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized
5. have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes
6. are self-rejecting or self-alienated
7. are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied
8. are usually lonely even when surrounded by people 9. are chronic complainers who blame others for what's wrong with their lives
10. feel unappreciated and think they don't fit in
11. see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who "aren't there" for them
12. see everything as a catastrophe, a life-and-death situation
13. judge life in absolutes: black or white, right or wrong
14. live in the past while fearful of the future
15. have strong feelings of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment
16. fear failure and rejection and don't try new things that they might not do well
17. are obsessed with money and material things
18. dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen
19. cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others
20. prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates
21. believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves
22. often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane
23. hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 2)
KING BABY CHARACTERISTICS
In attempting to regain the security of infancy, King Babies continue to function with the same feelings that gratified them so long ago. Tiebout says that "when infantile traits continue into adulthood, the person is spoken of as immature" and this immaturity is tied to the traits of feelings of omnipotence, inability to accept frustrations, and doing things hurriedly.'
King Babies share a wide range of personality traits. None of us has all of these traits, but we will probably find many that describe us. King Babies may show these characteristics:
1. often become angry at or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way
2. seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process
3. are able to make a good first impression but are unable to follow through
4. have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized
5. have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes
6. are self-rejecting or self-alienated
7. are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied
8. are usually lonely even when surrounded by people 9. are chronic complainers who blame others for what's wrong with their lives
10. feel unappreciated and think they don't fit in
11. see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who "aren't there" for them
12. see everything as a catastrophe, a life-and-death situation
13. judge life in absolutes: black or white, right or wrong
14. live in the past while fearful of the future
15. have strong feelings of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment
16. fear failure and rejection and don't try new things that they might not do well
17. are obsessed with money and material things
18. dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen
19. cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others
20. prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates
21. believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves
22. often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane
23. hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings
KB part 3
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 3)
THE FRIGHTENED CHILD AND KING BABY
Within many addicted people is a scared, lonely, shamed boy or girl who whispers self-defeating thoughts based on a lifetime of negative messages. We constantly compare ourselves to others and feel we don't measure up.
These feelings of worthlessness, self-blame, and I-don't-belong become a central part of our personalities. King Baby - a selfish, demanding being - emerges as a reaction to these feelings of shame and inadequacy. As we childishly strive to be accepted and to please other people, we begin to seek things from the outside to feel better inside. Designer clothes, fast cars, attractive girlfriends or boyfriends, drugs, and the excitement of life in the fast lane help salve our pain. We develop attractive, magnetic, charming exteriors to get our way. Pleasure-seeking, power-seeking, and attention-seeking devices are used to fill the void, but the void remains. No amount of love, status, money, or fame is enough for the scared little child in us.
Seeing this as a weakness, the King Baby part of us will try to destroy, attack, and push aside our scared little child. By denying these feelings, King Baby ultimately blocks out the fact that the scared little child exists.
The Inner Struggle
Understanding King Baby is difficult because things are never as they appear on the surface. There are two prime motivating factors: first, the scared, lonely, child who does not want to be hurt anymore and, second, the King Baby who is never satisfied.
When the frightened child in us hears the word no, an inner message tells us we are bad. We feel loved when we are pampered, and unloved when we are disciplined or scolded. When we are criticized, our immaturity insists on the right to have our own way and argues that if we are loved, others should give us our way. Often, our manipulations allow us to win.
Both of these drives - the frightened child and the demanding King Baby - are temporarily satisfied if we create the person we believe others want us to be. However, long-term recovery is based on the scared little child regaining self-worth and learning to control the King Baby behavior.
The Problem
Recovering people usually are aware of the many threats to their sobriety. Twelve Step programs are designed to help us confront and overcome our character defects. Immaturity, a problem for many of us, is a stronghold of the King Baby in each of us. We may need to recognize this defect and overcome it if we are to continue in our recovery.
The King Baby in us tells us we're right - the others are wrong. Many of us have defended our rightness everywhere and anywhere we've felt threatened. King Babies often act as their own Higher Power, making judgment decisions for themselves and others. The King Baby in us tells us we should be able to succeed at anything we want to do. There is a feeling of being destined for greatness.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 3)
THE FRIGHTENED CHILD AND KING BABY
Within many addicted people is a scared, lonely, shamed boy or girl who whispers self-defeating thoughts based on a lifetime of negative messages. We constantly compare ourselves to others and feel we don't measure up.
These feelings of worthlessness, self-blame, and I-don't-belong become a central part of our personalities. King Baby - a selfish, demanding being - emerges as a reaction to these feelings of shame and inadequacy. As we childishly strive to be accepted and to please other people, we begin to seek things from the outside to feel better inside. Designer clothes, fast cars, attractive girlfriends or boyfriends, drugs, and the excitement of life in the fast lane help salve our pain. We develop attractive, magnetic, charming exteriors to get our way. Pleasure-seeking, power-seeking, and attention-seeking devices are used to fill the void, but the void remains. No amount of love, status, money, or fame is enough for the scared little child in us.
Seeing this as a weakness, the King Baby part of us will try to destroy, attack, and push aside our scared little child. By denying these feelings, King Baby ultimately blocks out the fact that the scared little child exists.
The Inner Struggle
Understanding King Baby is difficult because things are never as they appear on the surface. There are two prime motivating factors: first, the scared, lonely, child who does not want to be hurt anymore and, second, the King Baby who is never satisfied.
When the frightened child in us hears the word no, an inner message tells us we are bad. We feel loved when we are pampered, and unloved when we are disciplined or scolded. When we are criticized, our immaturity insists on the right to have our own way and argues that if we are loved, others should give us our way. Often, our manipulations allow us to win.
Both of these drives - the frightened child and the demanding King Baby - are temporarily satisfied if we create the person we believe others want us to be. However, long-term recovery is based on the scared little child regaining self-worth and learning to control the King Baby behavior.
The Problem
Recovering people usually are aware of the many threats to their sobriety. Twelve Step programs are designed to help us confront and overcome our character defects. Immaturity, a problem for many of us, is a stronghold of the King Baby in each of us. We may need to recognize this defect and overcome it if we are to continue in our recovery.
The King Baby in us tells us we're right - the others are wrong. Many of us have defended our rightness everywhere and anywhere we've felt threatened. King Babies often act as their own Higher Power, making judgment decisions for themselves and others. The King Baby in us tells us we should be able to succeed at anything we want to do. There is a feeling of being destined for greatness.
KB part 4
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 4)
THE KING BABY MYTH
The King Baby mentality is driven by three motives - power, attention, and pleasure. By being overly friendly and charming, we try to win friends. We may be clinging. We often try to control or dominate. Almost everything we do has strings attached and creates indebtedness to us. We fear rejection of our real selves, so we present a false, invented person to the world. This protects us from being hurt. Each personality or game we invent is based on a false promise or myth.
Popular Me
Myth: If I am charming, attractive, magnetic, and the life of the party, you will want to be my friend.
Truth: By being all things to all people, we lose our true selves in the process. The end of the game comes when others realize there is nothing behind the phony smiles.
Tyrant/Dictator
Myth: If you obey me and place yourself in my complete control, I will protect you from chaos.
Truth: If we believe we are born leaders capable of handling any crisis, we expect others to trustingly place themselves in our hands. Masters of sarcasm, we keep our subjects in place with cruel comments. The end of the game is when the "subjects" refuse to obey.
The Love Conqueror
Myth: I am irresistible to the opposite sex. Part of my attractiveness is my lack of respect for them. I expect love, attention, wealth, and power for the privilege of my company.
Truth: We are in deadly competition for center stage and are incapable of commitment to a relationship. The end of the game is when others recognize the shallowness of the conqueror.
Beautiful Me
Myth: Youthfulness, a beautiful body, and an attractive face are the essential qualities for me to be liked and accepted.
Truth: We have tried to get by on looks alone. The end of the game is when others tire of the child who requires continuous reassurance of his or her attractiveness.
The Entertainer
Myth: If I can entertain you with my music, my wit, or any other talent, you will worship and adore me.
Truth: We experience acceptance only if others rave about our talents and seek our company in order to be entertained. The game is up when others tire of always having to be a fan or realize we have no warm, human qualities to contribute to a relationship.
The Perfectionist
Myth: I am not worthwhile unless I succeed at being the best in what I do.
Truth: No one is always the best or the most successful, but we try to gain self-worth by specializing in doing certain things well. The end of the game comes either
when we realize the futility of such high expectations or when others tire of our competitiveness.
Sweetums
Myth: If I am nice and sweet to everyone, they will like me. Truth: Our fear of rejection causes us to constantly seek approval from everyone., The end of the game is when we realize we can't make everyone happy or when others tire of our wishy-washy attitudes.
The Rebel
Myth: I must get my way or else. Rules are for other people. If you tell me not to do something, you are waving a red flag in my face and challenging me to do it.
Truth: We rebels usually get the consequences or punishment we deserve or ask for. The end of the game is when we weary of paying the price the outlaw must pay and abandon this behavior.
The Martyr
Myth: I deserve to suffer. I don't count. Nobody understands. Poor me. I see your pity as an expression of love.
Truth: We confuse love with pity and believe sacrificing ourselves will protect us from abandonment. The end of the game is when we get tired of suffering and
realize we deserve better.
The Dropout
Myth: If you won't play the game my way, I won't play the game at all.
Truth: Paralyzed by fear of failure and rejection, we attempt nothing and feel the world owes us. We are so discouraged and pessimistic, we give up before we even start. The end of the game comes when others get tired of providing a free ride.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 4)
THE KING BABY MYTH
The King Baby mentality is driven by three motives - power, attention, and pleasure. By being overly friendly and charming, we try to win friends. We may be clinging. We often try to control or dominate. Almost everything we do has strings attached and creates indebtedness to us. We fear rejection of our real selves, so we present a false, invented person to the world. This protects us from being hurt. Each personality or game we invent is based on a false promise or myth.
Popular Me
Myth: If I am charming, attractive, magnetic, and the life of the party, you will want to be my friend.
Truth: By being all things to all people, we lose our true selves in the process. The end of the game comes when others realize there is nothing behind the phony smiles.
Tyrant/Dictator
Myth: If you obey me and place yourself in my complete control, I will protect you from chaos.
Truth: If we believe we are born leaders capable of handling any crisis, we expect others to trustingly place themselves in our hands. Masters of sarcasm, we keep our subjects in place with cruel comments. The end of the game is when the "subjects" refuse to obey.
The Love Conqueror
Myth: I am irresistible to the opposite sex. Part of my attractiveness is my lack of respect for them. I expect love, attention, wealth, and power for the privilege of my company.
Truth: We are in deadly competition for center stage and are incapable of commitment to a relationship. The end of the game is when others recognize the shallowness of the conqueror.
Beautiful Me
Myth: Youthfulness, a beautiful body, and an attractive face are the essential qualities for me to be liked and accepted.
Truth: We have tried to get by on looks alone. The end of the game is when others tire of the child who requires continuous reassurance of his or her attractiveness.
The Entertainer
Myth: If I can entertain you with my music, my wit, or any other talent, you will worship and adore me.
Truth: We experience acceptance only if others rave about our talents and seek our company in order to be entertained. The game is up when others tire of always having to be a fan or realize we have no warm, human qualities to contribute to a relationship.
The Perfectionist
Myth: I am not worthwhile unless I succeed at being the best in what I do.
Truth: No one is always the best or the most successful, but we try to gain self-worth by specializing in doing certain things well. The end of the game comes either
when we realize the futility of such high expectations or when others tire of our competitiveness.
Sweetums
Myth: If I am nice and sweet to everyone, they will like me. Truth: Our fear of rejection causes us to constantly seek approval from everyone., The end of the game is when we realize we can't make everyone happy or when others tire of our wishy-washy attitudes.
The Rebel
Myth: I must get my way or else. Rules are for other people. If you tell me not to do something, you are waving a red flag in my face and challenging me to do it.
Truth: We rebels usually get the consequences or punishment we deserve or ask for. The end of the game is when we weary of paying the price the outlaw must pay and abandon this behavior.
The Martyr
Myth: I deserve to suffer. I don't count. Nobody understands. Poor me. I see your pity as an expression of love.
Truth: We confuse love with pity and believe sacrificing ourselves will protect us from abandonment. The end of the game is when we get tired of suffering and
realize we deserve better.
The Dropout
Myth: If you won't play the game my way, I won't play the game at all.
Truth: Paralyzed by fear of failure and rejection, we attempt nothing and feel the world owes us. We are so discouraged and pessimistic, we give up before we even start. The end of the game comes when others get tired of providing a free ride.
KB part 5
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 5)
THE FATAL COMBINATION
Addicted to a life of excess and driven by feelings of low self-worth, an immature person's life is frustrating and unrewarding, but not necessarily fatal. But something happens to the chemically dependent person when the King Baby lifestyle and low self-worth are combined with the experience of getting high. This "something" can be a fatal combination. That warm, comfortable, confident feeling of infancy - something we have been looking for all our lives - is captured again. The comforting, fear-dispelling effects of a chemical are exactly what our King Baby egos have been searching for. As the love affair with getting high takes over, all aspects of our lives progressively slip into more excessive, immature behavior.
THE CATALYST
The King Baby defense system of denying almost any problem is already well established, and it accelerates the chemically dependent person's descent to the bottom. The enemy is within us, and our drug use releases the pent-up frustrations, angers, resentments, fears, and doubts like a rocket ship taking off for the moon. The wonderful feeling of the womb returns, and the Baby is radiant within and without, excited and confident about this newfound high.
The ego becomes a raving maniac demanding to be constantly fed in a series of fun parties and excitement that speeds us through the progression of chemical dependency at a record pace. We become chemically dependent quickly, reaching bottom in a fraction of the time it took our elders.
Blinded by the wonderful feeling of that perfect high, the Baby in us throws away what's left of a conscience and value system. Having a set of built-in blinders, earplugs, and tunnel vision for our delusion and denial system, we are able to remain totally ignorant of how far we have gone.
SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED
Exhausted from a lifestyle of needing everything in a hurry, scheming to win, frantically trying to gain the upper hand, fearing outcomes and endings, and trying to be all things to all people, the Baby in us often comes to a screeching halt.
When that sick, panicky feeling of butterflies in the stomach becomes a raging fear and terror that totally consumes us, we hit bottom. The Baby cannot imagine life without chemicals and is fearful of going on and on in this never- ' ending rat race. Locked into the pattern of this repeated
behavior and never trying anything different, King Baby is too paralyzed by fear to face the next day. Recovery can be delayed by the immature ego which still insists on being right - "I can do anything. I don't need help." Timing is everything, for now the Baby is vulnerable and can be helped.
ADMIT DEFEAT, FACE REALITY
Admitting our way didn't work and facing failure will open the floodgates to a world of pain. In an instant our King Baby will go from feeling we need help to feeling hopeless, from being optimistic to believing we can't change. We will stay stuck in our swamp of despair waiting to be rescued while demanding a guaranteed blueprint for success before we will face our fears and begin to act. At this time, we can accept the hand of A.A. or N.A. reaching out to us in the form of another King Baby alcoholic or drug addict, reassuring us the Twelve Steps work. Before the First Step is taken, King Baby needs the hope of "If others can do it, so can L"
The way out of the King Baby trap is "I Can't, We Can" thinking. Surrendering to the Twelve Step way of life can harness the power of King Baby and can help us find a Higher Power that will work for us.
We can learn the true meaning of forgiveness, humility, and gratitude. We can learn to avoid the pitfalls of King Baby and tune into the Twelve Steps. We can learn to have fun again while gaining a new, deeper understanding of life.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 5)
THE FATAL COMBINATION
Addicted to a life of excess and driven by feelings of low self-worth, an immature person's life is frustrating and unrewarding, but not necessarily fatal. But something happens to the chemically dependent person when the King Baby lifestyle and low self-worth are combined with the experience of getting high. This "something" can be a fatal combination. That warm, comfortable, confident feeling of infancy - something we have been looking for all our lives - is captured again. The comforting, fear-dispelling effects of a chemical are exactly what our King Baby egos have been searching for. As the love affair with getting high takes over, all aspects of our lives progressively slip into more excessive, immature behavior.
THE CATALYST
The King Baby defense system of denying almost any problem is already well established, and it accelerates the chemically dependent person's descent to the bottom. The enemy is within us, and our drug use releases the pent-up frustrations, angers, resentments, fears, and doubts like a rocket ship taking off for the moon. The wonderful feeling of the womb returns, and the Baby is radiant within and without, excited and confident about this newfound high.
The ego becomes a raving maniac demanding to be constantly fed in a series of fun parties and excitement that speeds us through the progression of chemical dependency at a record pace. We become chemically dependent quickly, reaching bottom in a fraction of the time it took our elders.
Blinded by the wonderful feeling of that perfect high, the Baby in us throws away what's left of a conscience and value system. Having a set of built-in blinders, earplugs, and tunnel vision for our delusion and denial system, we are able to remain totally ignorant of how far we have gone.
SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED
Exhausted from a lifestyle of needing everything in a hurry, scheming to win, frantically trying to gain the upper hand, fearing outcomes and endings, and trying to be all things to all people, the Baby in us often comes to a screeching halt.
When that sick, panicky feeling of butterflies in the stomach becomes a raging fear and terror that totally consumes us, we hit bottom. The Baby cannot imagine life without chemicals and is fearful of going on and on in this never- ' ending rat race. Locked into the pattern of this repeated
behavior and never trying anything different, King Baby is too paralyzed by fear to face the next day. Recovery can be delayed by the immature ego which still insists on being right - "I can do anything. I don't need help." Timing is everything, for now the Baby is vulnerable and can be helped.
ADMIT DEFEAT, FACE REALITY
Admitting our way didn't work and facing failure will open the floodgates to a world of pain. In an instant our King Baby will go from feeling we need help to feeling hopeless, from being optimistic to believing we can't change. We will stay stuck in our swamp of despair waiting to be rescued while demanding a guaranteed blueprint for success before we will face our fears and begin to act. At this time, we can accept the hand of A.A. or N.A. reaching out to us in the form of another King Baby alcoholic or drug addict, reassuring us the Twelve Steps work. Before the First Step is taken, King Baby needs the hope of "If others can do it, so can L"
The way out of the King Baby trap is "I Can't, We Can" thinking. Surrendering to the Twelve Step way of life can harness the power of King Baby and can help us find a Higher Power that will work for us.
We can learn the true meaning of forgiveness, humility, and gratitude. We can learn to avoid the pitfalls of King Baby and tune into the Twelve Steps. We can learn to have fun again while gaining a new, deeper understanding of life.
KB part 6
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 6)
HEALING OUR SCARED LITTLE CHILD
Using all the love and support from our Twelve Step group, . we must begin an inward journey to meet that scared "bad" boy or girl part of us, so long ignored. We can let ourselves imagine walking into his or her room and seeing the child huddled and crying in the corner. We can become loving, caring parents to that child within each of us. As any parent would do, we encourage the child to come, sit close, and to explain what is wrong. Then by holding that child, saying "It's all right," and gently wiping away the tears, we can let this youngster know that he or she is loved, is a beautiful human being, and is safe.
THE NURTURING WITHIN A.A. AND N.A.
A soft, warm, secure feeling exists in Twelve Step groups and it reaches out to newcomers with the message "You are loved just because you exist, and I will love you even before you become lovable." This is the promise of A.A. and N.A. - love with no strings. The only expectation is a sincere desire to stop drinking or using. This is the warm, radiant womb that the Baby has been looking for all along. The warm, caring Twelve Step family is genuine and stands in sharp contrast to the false security of alcohol and other drugs.
SELF-LOVE
Slowly, the recovering Baby begins to gain self-respect through the Twelve Steps. It's hard work changing one's whole life, but A.A. and N.A. are always there as guides. In these programs, an awareness of personal dignity begins to bloom. It happens through self-discovery, self-discipline, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. Gradually the scared little child takes the opportunity to develop self-love.
TO LOVE AND BE LOVED
It makes no difference if the people in our Twelve Step groups loved us before we loved ourselves. The key is that now we are loving ourselves more. Gradually, we will explore and discover all the wonderful assets we have.
It's like a celebration for a sponsor to watch a sponsee discover his or her wonderful and unique talents. Each one learns from the other while going through the trials of early sobriety. Sponsors do this so they can stay sober; but, in doing so, they reinforce all that they have learned. Watching the newcomer come alive again is a thrill that is reward enough.
FREEDOM
Coming alive again with a sense of self-dignity and becoming connected with a sponsor will prepare us for the next stage.
Our immaturity has forced us to spend our lives attracting outside power to feel good inside. Selling ourselves for a smile was slavery. Good feelings do not come from people, places, or things, but from the inside.
Reclaiming personal power comes by first admitting powerlessness over others. We all need to take responsibility for our own self-worth and dignity. Self-worth does not depend upon what others say or do, but instead on how a person reacts to what others say or do. There are choices about the way to
react. Reacting with fear, anger, or resentment tends to make a person feel worthless. Accepting the fact that everyone is not going to agree with us, and perhaps not even like us, is reality.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 6)
HEALING OUR SCARED LITTLE CHILD
Using all the love and support from our Twelve Step group, . we must begin an inward journey to meet that scared "bad" boy or girl part of us, so long ignored. We can let ourselves imagine walking into his or her room and seeing the child huddled and crying in the corner. We can become loving, caring parents to that child within each of us. As any parent would do, we encourage the child to come, sit close, and to explain what is wrong. Then by holding that child, saying "It's all right," and gently wiping away the tears, we can let this youngster know that he or she is loved, is a beautiful human being, and is safe.
THE NURTURING WITHIN A.A. AND N.A.
A soft, warm, secure feeling exists in Twelve Step groups and it reaches out to newcomers with the message "You are loved just because you exist, and I will love you even before you become lovable." This is the promise of A.A. and N.A. - love with no strings. The only expectation is a sincere desire to stop drinking or using. This is the warm, radiant womb that the Baby has been looking for all along. The warm, caring Twelve Step family is genuine and stands in sharp contrast to the false security of alcohol and other drugs.
SELF-LOVE
Slowly, the recovering Baby begins to gain self-respect through the Twelve Steps. It's hard work changing one's whole life, but A.A. and N.A. are always there as guides. In these programs, an awareness of personal dignity begins to bloom. It happens through self-discovery, self-discipline, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. Gradually the scared little child takes the opportunity to develop self-love.
TO LOVE AND BE LOVED
It makes no difference if the people in our Twelve Step groups loved us before we loved ourselves. The key is that now we are loving ourselves more. Gradually, we will explore and discover all the wonderful assets we have.
It's like a celebration for a sponsor to watch a sponsee discover his or her wonderful and unique talents. Each one learns from the other while going through the trials of early sobriety. Sponsors do this so they can stay sober; but, in doing so, they reinforce all that they have learned. Watching the newcomer come alive again is a thrill that is reward enough.
FREEDOM
Coming alive again with a sense of self-dignity and becoming connected with a sponsor will prepare us for the next stage.
Our immaturity has forced us to spend our lives attracting outside power to feel good inside. Selling ourselves for a smile was slavery. Good feelings do not come from people, places, or things, but from the inside.
Reclaiming personal power comes by first admitting powerlessness over others. We all need to take responsibility for our own self-worth and dignity. Self-worth does not depend upon what others say or do, but instead on how a person reacts to what others say or do. There are choices about the way to
react. Reacting with fear, anger, or resentment tends to make a person feel worthless. Accepting the fact that everyone is not going to agree with us, and perhaps not even like us, is reality.
KB part 7
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 7)
SURRENDER: BE GOD OR BELIEVE IN GOD
It's quite a relief to be free from trying to run the whole universe. In surrendering, we turn the job back to a Higher Power who, in turn, fills our souls with the warmth, comfort, and serenity we've been seeking so long. Once again it is similar to the feelings of the womb.
Before Surrender After Surrender
frustrated - safe
angry - cared for
tense - relaxed
nervous - grateful
cornered - open
panicky - teachable
afraid - willing
guilty - honest
ashamed - hopeful
uncertain - peaceful
defeated - serene
resentful - tolerant
empty - full
FORGIVENESS
God doesn't make junk. Each one of us is a special and unique person - a somebody, not a nobody. In all the world there is not another one like us. We must become fascinated by ourselves and realize how tough we are. The King Babies within us have developed a wide variety of strengths coupled with God-given talents, and we must learn to appreciate those strengths. We can learn from the past and let it go. We can stop being judge, jury, and executioner condemning ourselves. We know our Higher Power forgives us. Now it is time to let Him. We must stop judging ourselves and get out of His way.
HUMILITY
"Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way." When Mac Davis sang that song, King Babies everywhere blushed, knowing he was singing about them. It is now obvious that pride is a large part of the King Baby problem. What we need to learn is that pride can be positive. Humility is not being meek and fearful. Rather, humility is an acceptance of being equal, not better or worse. To be equal is to also be honest, open, and vulnerable, which is difficult but now possible. Feeling free to be ourselves, we can face reality. Humility helps us to be teachable and flexible. To continue growing and avoid relapse, humility must be constantly maintained.
GUILT
King Baby's guilt machine, or conscience, is broken. King Babies whitewash their behaviors and lose their value systems in the process. Realizing this, they overreact and beat themselves constantly for being human. Until the King Baby in us finds a balance and a new set of values, we will need to rely heavily on our sponsors. A good rule of thumb is if we feel guilty, we shouldn't do it. We need to find out what we believe in and live by it.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 7)
SURRENDER: BE GOD OR BELIEVE IN GOD
It's quite a relief to be free from trying to run the whole universe. In surrendering, we turn the job back to a Higher Power who, in turn, fills our souls with the warmth, comfort, and serenity we've been seeking so long. Once again it is similar to the feelings of the womb.
Before Surrender After Surrender
frustrated - safe
angry - cared for
tense - relaxed
nervous - grateful
cornered - open
panicky - teachable
afraid - willing
guilty - honest
ashamed - hopeful
uncertain - peaceful
defeated - serene
resentful - tolerant
empty - full
FORGIVENESS
God doesn't make junk. Each one of us is a special and unique person - a somebody, not a nobody. In all the world there is not another one like us. We must become fascinated by ourselves and realize how tough we are. The King Babies within us have developed a wide variety of strengths coupled with God-given talents, and we must learn to appreciate those strengths. We can learn from the past and let it go. We can stop being judge, jury, and executioner condemning ourselves. We know our Higher Power forgives us. Now it is time to let Him. We must stop judging ourselves and get out of His way.
HUMILITY
"Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble when you're perfect in every way." When Mac Davis sang that song, King Babies everywhere blushed, knowing he was singing about them. It is now obvious that pride is a large part of the King Baby problem. What we need to learn is that pride can be positive. Humility is not being meek and fearful. Rather, humility is an acceptance of being equal, not better or worse. To be equal is to also be honest, open, and vulnerable, which is difficult but now possible. Feeling free to be ourselves, we can face reality. Humility helps us to be teachable and flexible. To continue growing and avoid relapse, humility must be constantly maintained.
GUILT
King Baby's guilt machine, or conscience, is broken. King Babies whitewash their behaviors and lose their value systems in the process. Realizing this, they overreact and beat themselves constantly for being human. Until the King Baby in us finds a balance and a new set of values, we will need to rely heavily on our sponsors. A good rule of thumb is if we feel guilty, we shouldn't do it. We need to find out what we believe in and live by it.
KB part 8
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 8)
USING OUR ADDICTIVE PERSONALITIES
We know we have addictive personalities. Why not try being addicted to something that is positive for us? We can pick some mini-goals or things that we can do each day. We can develop a fun, positive, even passionate love affair with some kind of exercise program. If we want to, we can go back to school.
DEVELOPING A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR HIGHER POWER
We should ask ourselves what kind of a Higher Power we have, and how we are going to contact Him as we read our daily meditations. We can pick a theme to live each day by, remembering that a positive attitude is not automatic, but comes from practice and hard work. The more our expectations are lowered, the more our serenity increases. We can practice acceptance of ourselves and others.
DAILY INVENTORY
Each evening we should record the positive things we did and the good things that happened to us. This focuses on giving ourselves some credit for what we accomplish. We can gently review our mistakes and promptly admit where we were wrong.
RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX
Our recovery is seriously jeopardized by getting into a relationship too soon. While hurting with the growth pain of recovery, the King Baby in us often seeks new relationships to ease the pain of growth. If allowed to happen it is like a moth being drawn to the flame, and King Baby too often creates an addictive relationship, using the relationship like a drug high. This puts our recovery on hold, or - even worse - it may encourage relapse. Our immaturity may have prevented us from knowing what a healthy relationship is or how to have one. All we have known is to possess, invade, demand, attack, and conquer. We love the honeymoon but have been incapable of sustaining the nuts and bolts of a relationship. The powerful emotions of a new relationship could cause us to lose our newfound sobriety.
"YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE," THE SPEAKER SAID
Imagine for a moment a permanent stereo headset with one ear listening to King Baby and the other listening to A.A. Our call letters will be K-BABY and W -AA for the "we" in A.A. We have a choice to tune in either K-BABY or W -AA. K-BABY represents stinking thinking or the thoughts that will lead us to relapse while W -AA represents recovery. If we challenge K-BABY thinking and tune in W -AA, we can begin to change our behaviors.
The King Baby Stinking Thinking Versus the Slogans of A.A./N.A.
(K-BABY Stinking Thinking - W-AA Slogans)
Living in the past and worrying about the future - One day at a time
Continuing to run away from fears and apprehensions - Easy does it
Trying to handle it my way - Let go and let God
Overreacting when things don't happen the way I think they should - Live and let live
Trying to rewrite the Big Book, the Steps, and the Traditions -- choosing the parts I want to work - If it works, don't fix it
Forgetting that staying sober and A.A./N.A. are my number-one priorities - First things first
Complicating it into "analysis paralysis" - Keep it simple
Taking others' inventory, pointing out when they're wrong - Take your own inventory
Little white lies are okay - It's an honest program
Justifying grudges and holding on to them - Don't carry resentments
Telling people what you think they want to hear - Tell it like it is
Compare the Symptoms of Relapse to the Principles of A.A./N.A.
(K-BABY Symptoms of Relapse W-AA Principles)
Dishonesty - Honesty
Doubt - Hope
Procrastination - Action
Fear - Courage
Taking the easy way out - Integrity
Complacency - Willingness
Cockiness - Humility
Expecting too much from others - Brotherly love
Letting up on discipline - Self-discipline
Quitting the meetings - Perseverance
Forgetting gratitude Omnipotence - Spiritual awareness Service
THE ATTITUDE IS GRATITUDE
Eventually, we learn to take on the task of supporting, nourishing, and stroking our scared little child. We even make a truce with the King Baby part of ourselves and become able to monitor what is going on within. It never occurred to King Baby that a person could be self-disciplined and live a normal life and still be really turned on and alive. We now can develop an inner serenity King Baby never thought possible.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 8)
USING OUR ADDICTIVE PERSONALITIES
We know we have addictive personalities. Why not try being addicted to something that is positive for us? We can pick some mini-goals or things that we can do each day. We can develop a fun, positive, even passionate love affair with some kind of exercise program. If we want to, we can go back to school.
DEVELOPING A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR HIGHER POWER
We should ask ourselves what kind of a Higher Power we have, and how we are going to contact Him as we read our daily meditations. We can pick a theme to live each day by, remembering that a positive attitude is not automatic, but comes from practice and hard work. The more our expectations are lowered, the more our serenity increases. We can practice acceptance of ourselves and others.
DAILY INVENTORY
Each evening we should record the positive things we did and the good things that happened to us. This focuses on giving ourselves some credit for what we accomplish. We can gently review our mistakes and promptly admit where we were wrong.
RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX
Our recovery is seriously jeopardized by getting into a relationship too soon. While hurting with the growth pain of recovery, the King Baby in us often seeks new relationships to ease the pain of growth. If allowed to happen it is like a moth being drawn to the flame, and King Baby too often creates an addictive relationship, using the relationship like a drug high. This puts our recovery on hold, or - even worse - it may encourage relapse. Our immaturity may have prevented us from knowing what a healthy relationship is or how to have one. All we have known is to possess, invade, demand, attack, and conquer. We love the honeymoon but have been incapable of sustaining the nuts and bolts of a relationship. The powerful emotions of a new relationship could cause us to lose our newfound sobriety.
"YOU'VE GOT TO CHANGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE," THE SPEAKER SAID
Imagine for a moment a permanent stereo headset with one ear listening to King Baby and the other listening to A.A. Our call letters will be K-BABY and W -AA for the "we" in A.A. We have a choice to tune in either K-BABY or W -AA. K-BABY represents stinking thinking or the thoughts that will lead us to relapse while W -AA represents recovery. If we challenge K-BABY thinking and tune in W -AA, we can begin to change our behaviors.
The King Baby Stinking Thinking Versus the Slogans of A.A./N.A.
(K-BABY Stinking Thinking - W-AA Slogans)
Living in the past and worrying about the future - One day at a time
Continuing to run away from fears and apprehensions - Easy does it
Trying to handle it my way - Let go and let God
Overreacting when things don't happen the way I think they should - Live and let live
Trying to rewrite the Big Book, the Steps, and the Traditions -- choosing the parts I want to work - If it works, don't fix it
Forgetting that staying sober and A.A./N.A. are my number-one priorities - First things first
Complicating it into "analysis paralysis" - Keep it simple
Taking others' inventory, pointing out when they're wrong - Take your own inventory
Little white lies are okay - It's an honest program
Justifying grudges and holding on to them - Don't carry resentments
Telling people what you think they want to hear - Tell it like it is
Compare the Symptoms of Relapse to the Principles of A.A./N.A.
(K-BABY Symptoms of Relapse W-AA Principles)
Dishonesty - Honesty
Doubt - Hope
Procrastination - Action
Fear - Courage
Taking the easy way out - Integrity
Complacency - Willingness
Cockiness - Humility
Expecting too much from others - Brotherly love
Letting up on discipline - Self-discipline
Quitting the meetings - Perseverance
Forgetting gratitude Omnipotence - Spiritual awareness Service
THE ATTITUDE IS GRATITUDE
Eventually, we learn to take on the task of supporting, nourishing, and stroking our scared little child. We even make a truce with the King Baby part of ourselves and become able to monitor what is going on within. It never occurred to King Baby that a person could be self-disciplined and live a normal life and still be really turned on and alive. We now can develop an inner serenity King Baby never thought possible.
KB part 9
KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 9)
There's a beautiful poem called "The Request and the Response" that describes the feelings King Baby has when he realizes that through all this suffering he has been most richly blessed.
The Request and the Response
(A Universal Prayer of Thanksgiving)
I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things. I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I had hoped for, Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered, I am among all men, most richly blessed.
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 9)
There's a beautiful poem called "The Request and the Response" that describes the feelings King Baby has when he realizes that through all this suffering he has been most richly blessed.
The Request and the Response
(A Universal Prayer of Thanksgiving)
I asked God for strength, that I might achieve,
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health, that I might do greater things,
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things. I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men,
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life,
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I had hoped for, Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered, I am among all men, most richly blessed.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
ROADBLOCKS TO CHANGE part 2 excuses
I got one nugget of advice that I know from experience has helped me solve a lot of problems that I had found myself trapped in. Before I tried to do this, I was stuck in bad places for long periods of time. Its kind of like a cure-all out of many self-imposed problems. -
I was often trapped in problems by my own excuses. Because important options are eliminated, there becomes NO workable solution. Amazingly, many of the excuses were part of the building blocks that formed, and maintained the actual problem in the first place (though I didn’t see it at the time). Ideas like “can’t” need to be looked at with suspect..
What did I mean by can’t? Did I mean that it was actually impossible, or just that I didn’t feel as though I was able or willing enough to do it.
I made a list to re-examine my list of excuses. First thing I did was eliminate what was truly 100% impossible (going back in time, changing other people, overcoming real concrete physical limitations, ect. ect.). Surprisingly, that didn’t get rid of that many. Most of the excuses left were determined by my perceived conceptions of my abilities and willingness. Abilities can almost always be improved, it usually just take willingness (determination) to do it. So, all of the focus is now on willingness. Why was I not willing to try this solution?
Its too emotionally stressful to attempt.
Its too expensive.
I’m not determined enough.
I don’t want to go through with what I must to do it.
I’m probably not physically able.
There is no workable compromise.
Sometimes my problem developed into a full-blown crisis, like crippling drug addiction. It took a long time to reach the intense level of desperation that it took, but eventually I was forced to re-define what I was willing to do. Great movers in history show example to the potential of willingness, especially willingness created out of desperation. Once forced to test my willingness. I discovered I had the willingness needed. [see my previous post READY TO CHANGE] Its just a shame that I waited so long, and that things had to get so bad. And I was lucky, all moments of desperation do not lead to happy endings. Suicide was certainly an option for me more than once.
I’ve learned now to try to find my way out of a situation before it has to become a desperate crisis. There’s nothing worse than the times when I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into despair. That’s why I make the excuse list. Now I try to find a ways to seriously consider and test the truth of the excuses that are determined by perceived willingness. Here is how I force myself to do this - I think about the choices I’m not considering because I think I can’t (am not willing). I Imagine what if I WAS willing to go through what I had to do and what it would lead to. Now I’m focusing on the prize, not the excuses. I can see the better life waiting for me. It probably isn’t the perfect life, I may have to lose much to get there, but it will give me much more peace of mind (I will have gotten past this current bad situation). From there, a whole new world of possibilities can spring up. My future gives me hope again.
I was often trapped in problems by my own excuses. Because important options are eliminated, there becomes NO workable solution. Amazingly, many of the excuses were part of the building blocks that formed, and maintained the actual problem in the first place (though I didn’t see it at the time). Ideas like “can’t” need to be looked at with suspect..
What did I mean by can’t? Did I mean that it was actually impossible, or just that I didn’t feel as though I was able or willing enough to do it.
I made a list to re-examine my list of excuses. First thing I did was eliminate what was truly 100% impossible (going back in time, changing other people, overcoming real concrete physical limitations, ect. ect.). Surprisingly, that didn’t get rid of that many. Most of the excuses left were determined by my perceived conceptions of my abilities and willingness. Abilities can almost always be improved, it usually just take willingness (determination) to do it. So, all of the focus is now on willingness. Why was I not willing to try this solution?
Its too emotionally stressful to attempt.
Its too expensive.
I’m not determined enough.
I don’t want to go through with what I must to do it.
I’m probably not physically able.
There is no workable compromise.
Sometimes my problem developed into a full-blown crisis, like crippling drug addiction. It took a long time to reach the intense level of desperation that it took, but eventually I was forced to re-define what I was willing to do. Great movers in history show example to the potential of willingness, especially willingness created out of desperation. Once forced to test my willingness. I discovered I had the willingness needed. [see my previous post READY TO CHANGE] Its just a shame that I waited so long, and that things had to get so bad. And I was lucky, all moments of desperation do not lead to happy endings. Suicide was certainly an option for me more than once.
I’ve learned now to try to find my way out of a situation before it has to become a desperate crisis. There’s nothing worse than the times when I find myself sinking deeper and deeper into despair. That’s why I make the excuse list. Now I try to find a ways to seriously consider and test the truth of the excuses that are determined by perceived willingness. Here is how I force myself to do this - I think about the choices I’m not considering because I think I can’t (am not willing). I Imagine what if I WAS willing to go through what I had to do and what it would lead to. Now I’m focusing on the prize, not the excuses. I can see the better life waiting for me. It probably isn’t the perfect life, I may have to lose much to get there, but it will give me much more peace of mind (I will have gotten past this current bad situation). From there, a whole new world of possibilities can spring up. My future gives me hope again.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
CAUSES OF A BAD FUNK
I've been in a bad funk the last few weeks, but thanks to something I heard at a recovery meeting last night I got insight as to how to address my problem. This is also helpful for anyone - not just addicts & alcoholics.
If you feel troubled or distirbed about something there are a few reasons why that may be-
1 You don't want to be honest with yourself about something.
2 There is some situation in your life you don't want to accept.
3 You want to re-open the debate over the fact that you have no chance of control over whatever self-destructive behavior you used to indulge in that gave you temporary relief from your problems.
4 You want to run your life by your will and not turning to the care of God and trying to follow His will for you.
If you feel troubled or distirbed about something there are a few reasons why that may be-
1 You don't want to be honest with yourself about something.
2 There is some situation in your life you don't want to accept.
3 You want to re-open the debate over the fact that you have no chance of control over whatever self-destructive behavior you used to indulge in that gave you temporary relief from your problems.
4 You want to run your life by your will and not turning to the care of God and trying to follow His will for you.
Monday, March 8, 2010
TRUE SURRENDER
For a long time I had a misunderstanding of what means to surrender. A number of times my self-destructive behavior led me to a point of desperation where I was able to say that I was ready to surrender. At those times I thought that I did surrender, but did I really? Sometimes it took weeks, or months, a few times more than a year, but eventually I went back to thinking that it was a fight that could be won. I believed that I had learned from the mistakes that brought me to my knees and formulated a new master plan.
Sometimes I try to explain this mind-set that I had by using the analogy of a wrestling match. During the match, the other wrestler gets me down on the mat in a choke hold. I’m pinned down and can’t move or breathe, so I surrender. The match is over. Once I get up and can breath again, my strength returns. I’m mad and frustrated because I’m ready start wrestling this guy again. Its now hard to imagine why I had given up at the time. Did I really surrender, or just give up? Is there a difference between the two?
I believe that there is, and the way that I understand it now has given me much more serenity in my life. Looking back, at times when I thought that I surrendered, I see that I was just giving up for that moment. The fight is actually not taken out of me, I was just denied the option of continuing the fight for the moment. I was not surrendering with free choice. To embrace the gift of what surrender truly is, it must be made by freely choosing it. The decision to surrender should not be based on ones current state of weakness, even though one usually doesn’t even begin to consider it as a real option until stuck in such a position. This is where my misunderstanding developed, I connected weakness with surrender. What happens then when one begins to reap the rewards of “surrender” (giving up), and then begins to gain strength back? True surrender must come from embracing the fact that fighting is not the solution. The contest can never be won by power/control vs. power/control. This is a no-win situation. The solution lies outside of this mindset.
Want to put a big change in your life? This surrender that I'm talking about has to do with surrendering your own will to a higher power outside of yourself. I may have used surrender in the pretext of recovery, but this is something that certainly relates to everyone. Pride and total self-reliance hinder everyone from living a better life. Try applying this new mindset to many situations you face in life. There are many times where we fight against things that can not be changed or fought alone, no matter what we do. Yet, we still fight. Many things in life must be faced on life’s own terms. Learn acceptance, humility, and faith.
Sometimes I try to explain this mind-set that I had by using the analogy of a wrestling match. During the match, the other wrestler gets me down on the mat in a choke hold. I’m pinned down and can’t move or breathe, so I surrender. The match is over. Once I get up and can breath again, my strength returns. I’m mad and frustrated because I’m ready start wrestling this guy again. Its now hard to imagine why I had given up at the time. Did I really surrender, or just give up? Is there a difference between the two?
I believe that there is, and the way that I understand it now has given me much more serenity in my life. Looking back, at times when I thought that I surrendered, I see that I was just giving up for that moment. The fight is actually not taken out of me, I was just denied the option of continuing the fight for the moment. I was not surrendering with free choice. To embrace the gift of what surrender truly is, it must be made by freely choosing it. The decision to surrender should not be based on ones current state of weakness, even though one usually doesn’t even begin to consider it as a real option until stuck in such a position. This is where my misunderstanding developed, I connected weakness with surrender. What happens then when one begins to reap the rewards of “surrender” (giving up), and then begins to gain strength back? True surrender must come from embracing the fact that fighting is not the solution. The contest can never be won by power/control vs. power/control. This is a no-win situation. The solution lies outside of this mindset.
Want to put a big change in your life? This surrender that I'm talking about has to do with surrendering your own will to a higher power outside of yourself. I may have used surrender in the pretext of recovery, but this is something that certainly relates to everyone. Pride and total self-reliance hinder everyone from living a better life. Try applying this new mindset to many situations you face in life. There are many times where we fight against things that can not be changed or fought alone, no matter what we do. Yet, we still fight. Many things in life must be faced on life’s own terms. Learn acceptance, humility, and faith.
Friday, March 5, 2010
SELF-DISCIPLINE
I was at a meeting last night and the topic was self discipline. Although I know that this is a very important quality for anyone trying to live a productive life, I felt uncomfortable with the way that everyone was praising it as the greatest thing since sliced bread. Let me see if I can explain my concerns over this to you here.
To be in recovery (or any form of self-improvement), there is a lot of personal change involved. There are many different tools that one would normally use to affect a change in themselves. Self-discipline is certainly one of them, but I fear that it is a tool that can be problematic if used too extensively. It should be something that you turn to when you need a little extra support, but not a crutch to lean upon to maintain control of your new way of living.
That‘s what I feel is the biggest problem with self-discipline - control (especially self-control). Recovery is based on the fact that one is powerless over their self-destructive behavior (it can’t be self-controlled) For example an alcoholic has to understand that there is no way that he can ever dink successfully (with control). This understanding has to carry on to his recovery in the sense that he can’t abstain from drinking by himself either (he can‘t control his abstinence alone). That leads to another big part of recovery - surrender. One must surrender to the fact that this change can not be won by trying to exercise more control over the control of the self-destructive behavior. Change must come from looking outside of this self-defeating solution. One has to turn towards help outside of themselves (meetings, fellowship, sponsor, higher power). Self-destructive behavior is described in AA as a “self-imposed crisis”, it would seem then that it can’t be solved by a self-imposed solution.
To me self-discipline is more like training wheels that eventually have to be removed if one is truly founded in a new way of living. These training wheels are very important in early recovery, because one doesn’t really have any other tools to use yet. People are told to just follow suggestions and don’t think too much. New thinking, attitudes, and behaviors come later after discipline forces one to enter into new actions and continue to practice them.
This does not mean that self-discipline should never be needed once one is well on their way towards new living, since no one can be perfect in how well they do their recovery. The goal should be to hopefully have less need for it. Over time, as new thinking, attitudes, and behaviors become natural in one’s new life, it should be needed less for support.
To be in recovery (or any form of self-improvement), there is a lot of personal change involved. There are many different tools that one would normally use to affect a change in themselves. Self-discipline is certainly one of them, but I fear that it is a tool that can be problematic if used too extensively. It should be something that you turn to when you need a little extra support, but not a crutch to lean upon to maintain control of your new way of living.
That‘s what I feel is the biggest problem with self-discipline - control (especially self-control). Recovery is based on the fact that one is powerless over their self-destructive behavior (it can’t be self-controlled) For example an alcoholic has to understand that there is no way that he can ever dink successfully (with control). This understanding has to carry on to his recovery in the sense that he can’t abstain from drinking by himself either (he can‘t control his abstinence alone). That leads to another big part of recovery - surrender. One must surrender to the fact that this change can not be won by trying to exercise more control over the control of the self-destructive behavior. Change must come from looking outside of this self-defeating solution. One has to turn towards help outside of themselves (meetings, fellowship, sponsor, higher power). Self-destructive behavior is described in AA as a “self-imposed crisis”, it would seem then that it can’t be solved by a self-imposed solution.
To me self-discipline is more like training wheels that eventually have to be removed if one is truly founded in a new way of living. These training wheels are very important in early recovery, because one doesn’t really have any other tools to use yet. People are told to just follow suggestions and don’t think too much. New thinking, attitudes, and behaviors come later after discipline forces one to enter into new actions and continue to practice them.
This does not mean that self-discipline should never be needed once one is well on their way towards new living, since no one can be perfect in how well they do their recovery. The goal should be to hopefully have less need for it. Over time, as new thinking, attitudes, and behaviors become natural in one’s new life, it should be needed less for support.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
PROBLEM SOLVING - Ask What Not Why
Why? This seems to always be the first thing that we consider when we are confronting a personal problem with ourselves. When most scientists study human behavior it is certainly what they will usually focus on. It does seem to make the most sense, because there is an undeniable fact that a person’s present behavior is the result of their experiences in the past. How can an intervention that leaves the past causes untouched have any lasting effect in the present?
Maybe the past has no real bearing on the SOLUTION that I need deal with the problem that I’m facing right now. Let’s look at the two possibilities involving the effect of the past on the present. I feel that both lead to the conclusion that only WHAT is happening in the present is significant -
1 The significance of causes in the past maintaining current problems is only a fascinating but inaccurate myth. If this is the case than desirable change of present behavior can only occur by dealing with ones present view of truth and reality.
2 There is a causal relationship between past and present behavior (what I believe). But since past events are unchangeable, either we are forced to abandon all hope that change is possible, or we must assume that the past has influence over the present ONLY by way of a persons PRESENT interpretation of past experience. If this is so than the past becomes a matter not of truth and reality, but of looking at it in the here and now by means of re-interpretation.
From what I have heard people share at meetings and have also witnessed from observing people that have undergone real transformations (especially spontaneous ones) is that knowing why is not a necessity. In fact, trying to understand why one has a problem as a precondition to inducing change can be a road-blocking assumption. [Check out my posts on the 9 dot problem to see an example how false preconditions put into a solution can make a problem unsolvable]
I believe that focusing too much on why can actually be detrimental for other reasons. Asking why can blind us to the important facts that need to be addressed most directly. It often happens that we only become aware of the important facts, if we suppress the question ‘why?’ and then in the course of the investigation these facts lead to finding a workable solution.
Personal experience has shown me another danger. Trying to solve problems based on ‘why?’ (looking into the past) can also lead to misdirected solutions, because many current personal problems may have stared by one series of reasons yet persist in the now for different ones. I spent many years trying to understand why I became and addict. I gained much insight about the reasons that I crossed the line into drug abuse, but all of this self-knowledge can never cure my current condition. I crossed a line I wish that I never crossed at some time in the past, there is no way to step back from that line. I may be in recovery, but will always be an addict, no matter how conclusively I may feel that I understand why.
It would seem that in deliberate intervention into human problems, the most pragmatic approach is not to question why but what.
We CAN take a problem as it exists here and now, without ever understanding why it got to be that way, and in spite of our ignorance of its origin and evolution we can do something about it. In doing so we are asking ‘what?’.
What is the problem?
What is going on here and now?
Because modern thinking is tainted by looking at situations scientifically, any attempt to look at a problem only in terms of present structure and consequences is considered the height of superficiality. AA has the slogan “keep it simple”. This slogan is not used because alcoholics are idiots and need to keep things simple - it is used because it WORKS!
I don't want to leave you with the idea that 'why' has no significance to self-improvement. It certainly does! I tried to stress the importance of 'what' in terms of finding practical solutions to problems so that change can occur. Once a transformation has progressed to a degree, the 'whys' of the past will lead to the insight needed to make sense of and find serenity in your new life. First though, the crisis of the problem must be attacked. Ask WHAT.
Maybe the past has no real bearing on the SOLUTION that I need deal with the problem that I’m facing right now. Let’s look at the two possibilities involving the effect of the past on the present. I feel that both lead to the conclusion that only WHAT is happening in the present is significant -
1 The significance of causes in the past maintaining current problems is only a fascinating but inaccurate myth. If this is the case than desirable change of present behavior can only occur by dealing with ones present view of truth and reality.
2 There is a causal relationship between past and present behavior (what I believe). But since past events are unchangeable, either we are forced to abandon all hope that change is possible, or we must assume that the past has influence over the present ONLY by way of a persons PRESENT interpretation of past experience. If this is so than the past becomes a matter not of truth and reality, but of looking at it in the here and now by means of re-interpretation.
From what I have heard people share at meetings and have also witnessed from observing people that have undergone real transformations (especially spontaneous ones) is that knowing why is not a necessity. In fact, trying to understand why one has a problem as a precondition to inducing change can be a road-blocking assumption. [Check out my posts on the 9 dot problem to see an example how false preconditions put into a solution can make a problem unsolvable]
I believe that focusing too much on why can actually be detrimental for other reasons. Asking why can blind us to the important facts that need to be addressed most directly. It often happens that we only become aware of the important facts, if we suppress the question ‘why?’ and then in the course of the investigation these facts lead to finding a workable solution.
Personal experience has shown me another danger. Trying to solve problems based on ‘why?’ (looking into the past) can also lead to misdirected solutions, because many current personal problems may have stared by one series of reasons yet persist in the now for different ones. I spent many years trying to understand why I became and addict. I gained much insight about the reasons that I crossed the line into drug abuse, but all of this self-knowledge can never cure my current condition. I crossed a line I wish that I never crossed at some time in the past, there is no way to step back from that line. I may be in recovery, but will always be an addict, no matter how conclusively I may feel that I understand why.
It would seem that in deliberate intervention into human problems, the most pragmatic approach is not to question why but what.
We CAN take a problem as it exists here and now, without ever understanding why it got to be that way, and in spite of our ignorance of its origin and evolution we can do something about it. In doing so we are asking ‘what?’.
What is the problem?
What is going on here and now?
Because modern thinking is tainted by looking at situations scientifically, any attempt to look at a problem only in terms of present structure and consequences is considered the height of superficiality. AA has the slogan “keep it simple”. This slogan is not used because alcoholics are idiots and need to keep things simple - it is used because it WORKS!
I don't want to leave you with the idea that 'why' has no significance to self-improvement. It certainly does! I tried to stress the importance of 'what' in terms of finding practical solutions to problems so that change can occur. Once a transformation has progressed to a degree, the 'whys' of the past will lead to the insight needed to make sense of and find serenity in your new life. First though, the crisis of the problem must be attacked. Ask WHAT.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Message sent to me on facebook
"I've been enjoying reading your blogs. You certainly are not the person that I knew, but then again you are. There are (2) kinds of people that we come across when we're using. Good people who are diseased, and evil people who are just that - drug or no drug. I always knew that you were intelligent beyond normal understanding and that you were thoughtful and sincere. Even in recovery - don't allow yourself to be taken by anyone. This is your time, God has seen fit to release us both from that hell I pleased to see you here."
PERSONAL CHANGE (Digital vs. Analog)
Being in the situation that I was in with my life, I understood that in order to survive I had to change a big part of the person that I was. It is a tall order and I spent many years attempting it and failing miserably. There are many aspects involved in successful change, but here I want to discuss one personal stumbling block that took a long time to overcome. Once I was able to see this flaw in my understanding of how to change, I was able to experience some true progress. I’ve never heard of this idea mentioned in readings, or hit upon by other people in any direct way that I have been able to identify it with. I call it digital vs. analog change. Let’s see if I can explain it.
My first attempts at change I now call digital. Basically it involves doing an inventory of ones character, attitudes and behaviors, then making an assessment as to what parts are good and what are bad. Note that this assessment was not only based on my own view, but relied heavily on others to be more objective. [I’ll talk about the trouble with self-assessment in another blog] Since my goal is to change into a better person (one not crippled by the bad stuff and using good stuff to live a better life), I turned my personal inventory into a ledger. The bad stuff I would diminish or eliminate and the good I would increase or introduce. With this accounting I had a path to change.
Many doctors who work with behavior modification or other such help groups feel that this alone is the winning formula all by itself. By turning the bad to 0 and the good to 1, a map is laid out that can put you on the right path. At first the new structure for living seems un-natural to you (cause it is!), but over time your behavior is modified by repeating the new structure over and over again. You get reprogrammed and the new structure now seems natural and automatic to you. Digital way of change (simply adding and subtracting individual “bits”) does seemed to be effective for many. I will be the last one to shoot it down, but for me I needed more.
Although this technique seemed to make sense in my first years attempting real change, they always led to failure ultimately. The early results always seemed promising and was convinced, even after repeated failure, that I just had to refine what I was doing. What I realize now is that many times one can be fooled into thinking that real fundamental change is occurring when instead it is only superficial at best. Now I admit that my problem in this area might only be relevant to me, there are many people who can attest to the fact that I may be the most suborn human who ever lived, but I believe that in some regard the insight that I am about to give will be useful to others.
For me I needed a way not to add and subtract bits, but to find a way to smoothly transform each element in an indivisible way. I call this analog change. Only through a perceptually seamless transition could I truly have real insight (a fundamental paradigm shift) into accepting and living as the new me. I could not become a different person in leaps and bounds (even small ones), it was the complete and uninterrupted journey that led me to true transformation. A bad habit could not be cut out of me and a good behavior substituted in. The bad habit had to fade and become unpalatable as the good behavior simultaneously had to fade in and become attractive over the bad habit. It is this seamless transition that gave me real fundamental change that was not programmed in, but realized.
I don’t know if people follow what I’m trying to say (experience is relative), but I hope that maybe I gave some people new things to ponder. I don’t want to make this post any longer by more explanation, but feel free to comment and ask questions.
My first attempts at change I now call digital. Basically it involves doing an inventory of ones character, attitudes and behaviors, then making an assessment as to what parts are good and what are bad. Note that this assessment was not only based on my own view, but relied heavily on others to be more objective. [I’ll talk about the trouble with self-assessment in another blog] Since my goal is to change into a better person (one not crippled by the bad stuff and using good stuff to live a better life), I turned my personal inventory into a ledger. The bad stuff I would diminish or eliminate and the good I would increase or introduce. With this accounting I had a path to change.
Many doctors who work with behavior modification or other such help groups feel that this alone is the winning formula all by itself. By turning the bad to 0 and the good to 1, a map is laid out that can put you on the right path. At first the new structure for living seems un-natural to you (cause it is!), but over time your behavior is modified by repeating the new structure over and over again. You get reprogrammed and the new structure now seems natural and automatic to you. Digital way of change (simply adding and subtracting individual “bits”) does seemed to be effective for many. I will be the last one to shoot it down, but for me I needed more.
Although this technique seemed to make sense in my first years attempting real change, they always led to failure ultimately. The early results always seemed promising and was convinced, even after repeated failure, that I just had to refine what I was doing. What I realize now is that many times one can be fooled into thinking that real fundamental change is occurring when instead it is only superficial at best. Now I admit that my problem in this area might only be relevant to me, there are many people who can attest to the fact that I may be the most suborn human who ever lived, but I believe that in some regard the insight that I am about to give will be useful to others.
For me I needed a way not to add and subtract bits, but to find a way to smoothly transform each element in an indivisible way. I call this analog change. Only through a perceptually seamless transition could I truly have real insight (a fundamental paradigm shift) into accepting and living as the new me. I could not become a different person in leaps and bounds (even small ones), it was the complete and uninterrupted journey that led me to true transformation. A bad habit could not be cut out of me and a good behavior substituted in. The bad habit had to fade and become unpalatable as the good behavior simultaneously had to fade in and become attractive over the bad habit. It is this seamless transition that gave me real fundamental change that was not programmed in, but realized.
I don’t know if people follow what I’m trying to say (experience is relative), but I hope that maybe I gave some people new things to ponder. I don’t want to make this post any longer by more explanation, but feel free to comment and ask questions.
Friday, February 26, 2010
ROADBLOCKS TO CHANGE part 1 A
CHANGE - problem solving (part 1 A)
Many times when I’ve attempted to change things about myself, I have run into brick walls which seem to make change impossible. I have found that the biggest reason it seems impossible is not because the problem is, but because of the way that I’m trying to do it. I seem to go in circles. I want to change my thinking with my thinking. AA has described an alcoholic’s problems as a “self-imposed crisis”. How then can it be solved by a self-imposed solution?
Remember that these problems are not just suffered by alcoholics and addicts (the theme of this blog states EVERYONE). I believe that everyone, in some ways, gets stuck in their own thinking to some degree. Anyone striving for self-improvement will also have to find ways to think outside the box of their own thinking. What is needed is a second-order change - a way to look at the problem from the outside of the box. From using only your own thinking to change (being stuck inside the box - first-order change), second order change seems unpredictable, abrupt, illogical. That is the nature of it, the change has to go beyond what you think and believe. After all, true change involves transforming what you think and believe to some extent!
The follow is a good example of the problems that people face when stuck in their own thinking. Look at the 9 dots in the picture. Copy this onto a piece of paper. Here’s the problem to solve - without lifting the pencil off the paper, find a way to connect all of the dots using only 4 straight lines. There is a solution and it is not a “trick”, try to figure it out.
I put the solution on the following link. Don’t get frustrated and jump to it right away. You can solve this!!!
http://picasaweb.google.com/steventmeer/9DotSolution
ROADBLOCKS TO CHANGE part 1 B
CHANGE - problem solving (part 1 B)
Almost everyone who tries to solve this problem introduces as part of their problem-solving an assumption which makes the solution impossible. The assumption is that the dots compose a square and its solution must be found within that square. This is a self-imposed condition which the instructions do not contain. If one fails to solve this problem, it is not in the problem itself, but in the attempted solution.
This is one example of a roadblock that can prevent change. One must get out of the self-imposed box that they are stuck in using their own thinking alone. In 12 step recovery groups, it is stressed that one is powerless to solve their own problems and must seek help outside themselves to do it.
Almost everyone who tries to solve this problem introduces as part of their problem-solving an assumption which makes the solution impossible. The assumption is that the dots compose a square and its solution must be found within that square. This is a self-imposed condition which the instructions do not contain. If one fails to solve this problem, it is not in the problem itself, but in the attempted solution.
This is one example of a roadblock that can prevent change. One must get out of the self-imposed box that they are stuck in using their own thinking alone. In 12 step recovery groups, it is stressed that one is powerless to solve their own problems and must seek help outside themselves to do it.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
BEING READY TO CHANGE
I want to change, but feel I’m not ready yet. (response to question)
In my experience I realized that I would never be ready by waiting to be ready. It’s like motivation - you don’t wait to get motivated and then begin a difficult task because you’ll be waiting forever! I almost always have to begin the hard arduous stuff by forcing myself to do it. What happens is that once the work begins, I start to get motivated, then it gets easier.
Trying to change myself is by far the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. Many times I did things to change that I had no desire to do, even though I knew they were necessary. Things felt wrong with every fiber of my being. I didn’t feel ready, but I did it anyway. Everything was forced.
After a time I built up the strength to be able to move towards the changes that would lead me towards my desires to make a new life for myself, without a feeling of being forced. It feels more natural now. My thoughts, actions, and reactions have changed without me having to think about them in advance to decide the best course of action. There seems to be an inertia in the state of being - persistence wants to remain at rest, but once in motion change wants to keep on going.
In my experience I realized that I would never be ready by waiting to be ready. It’s like motivation - you don’t wait to get motivated and then begin a difficult task because you’ll be waiting forever! I almost always have to begin the hard arduous stuff by forcing myself to do it. What happens is that once the work begins, I start to get motivated, then it gets easier.
Trying to change myself is by far the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. Many times I did things to change that I had no desire to do, even though I knew they were necessary. Things felt wrong with every fiber of my being. I didn’t feel ready, but I did it anyway. Everything was forced.
After a time I built up the strength to be able to move towards the changes that would lead me towards my desires to make a new life for myself, without a feeling of being forced. It feels more natural now. My thoughts, actions, and reactions have changed without me having to think about them in advance to decide the best course of action. There seems to be an inertia in the state of being - persistence wants to remain at rest, but once in motion change wants to keep on going.
THE HUMAN CONDITION (Steven's responses to questions posted)
1 Why is it acceptable to feel stressed, pain, anger but feeling pleasure is not talked about?
Why is it acceptable? Misery loves company. Lets face it we all suffer in some ways, its good to know were not alone. Most people are negative by nature, pessimism is easily understood and related to. But, the main reason I believe that the un-pleasurable things are talked about is because we find them personally unacceptable. All of these feelings, (stress, pain, anger) cause a tension that has to be released. Instead of dealing with the issues in a healthy way, by facing their true causes for relief, its easier to vent to others to try to find some easy relief. “Why me” “Poor me” “Its not fair” “I can’t take it anymore” “How could this be done to me” People want to share all of this suffering to get their bullshit co-signed. When others can agree with all of the crap your dishing out, it makes you feel better. All that this does though is propagate the negative attitudes, behaviors, and character traits that really need to be addressed. I always warn people that my advice may not be the answer your looking for.
Why is pleasure not talked about? The main reason is because there is no tension, there is nothing to vent. Pleasure and good feelings can be self-absorbing. Some people are also concerned that talking about good things will make it seem like their bragging or showing off. Pleasure is also fleeting, its hard to drag it past the moment. That is what makes pleasure so powerful - its fleeting. Many negative emotions can be self-perpetuating (they can feed off themselves - like anger can turn into resentment).
2 Why do people need to suffer?
The short answer is that “pain is mandatory, but suffering is a choice” I can give you the long answer, but it will take a bit. If you want it, post the question again and I’ll try to give you a deeper take on what I think about it.
Visit THE HUMAN CONDITION group on facebook
Why is it acceptable? Misery loves company. Lets face it we all suffer in some ways, its good to know were not alone. Most people are negative by nature, pessimism is easily understood and related to. But, the main reason I believe that the un-pleasurable things are talked about is because we find them personally unacceptable. All of these feelings, (stress, pain, anger) cause a tension that has to be released. Instead of dealing with the issues in a healthy way, by facing their true causes for relief, its easier to vent to others to try to find some easy relief. “Why me” “Poor me” “Its not fair” “I can’t take it anymore” “How could this be done to me” People want to share all of this suffering to get their bullshit co-signed. When others can agree with all of the crap your dishing out, it makes you feel better. All that this does though is propagate the negative attitudes, behaviors, and character traits that really need to be addressed. I always warn people that my advice may not be the answer your looking for.
Why is pleasure not talked about? The main reason is because there is no tension, there is nothing to vent. Pleasure and good feelings can be self-absorbing. Some people are also concerned that talking about good things will make it seem like their bragging or showing off. Pleasure is also fleeting, its hard to drag it past the moment. That is what makes pleasure so powerful - its fleeting. Many negative emotions can be self-perpetuating (they can feed off themselves - like anger can turn into resentment).
2 Why do people need to suffer?
The short answer is that “pain is mandatory, but suffering is a choice” I can give you the long answer, but it will take a bit. If you want it, post the question again and I’ll try to give you a deeper take on what I think about it.
Visit THE HUMAN CONDITION group on facebook
Hello
I just got this blog running. Give me a few days and I'll start loading it up with posts. Can't wait, add a post if you have ideas on this blog theme.
To see some posts that I've already done on recovery go to
http://smeerworld2.blogspot.com/
To see some posts that I've already done on recovery go to
http://smeerworld2.blogspot.com/
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