KB part 3

KING BABY by Tom Cunningham
First published July, 1986.
Copyright © 1986, Hazelden Foundation.
(part 3)

THE FRIGHTENED CHILD AND KING BABY
Within many addicted people is a scared, lonely, shamed boy or girl who whispers self-defeating thoughts based on a lifetime of negative messages. We constantly compare ourselves to others and feel we don't measure up.
These feelings of worthlessness, self-blame, and I-don't-belong become a central part of our personalities. King Baby - a selfish, demanding being - emerges as a reaction to these feelings of shame and inadequacy. As we childishly strive to be accepted and to please other people, we begin to seek things from the outside to feel better inside. Designer clothes, fast cars, attractive girlfriends or boyfriends, drugs, and the excitement of life in the fast lane help salve our pain. We develop attractive, magnetic, charming exteriors to get our way. Pleasure-seeking, power-seeking, and attention-seeking devices are used to fill the void, but the void remains. No amount of love, status, money, or fame is enough for the scared little child in us.
Seeing this as a weakness, the King Baby part of us will try to destroy, attack, and push aside our scared little child. By denying these feelings, King Baby ultimately blocks out the fact that the scared little child exists.
The Inner Struggle
Understanding King Baby is difficult because things are never as they appear on the surface. There are two prime motivating factors: first, the scared, lonely, child who does not want to be hurt anymore and, second, the King Baby who is never satisfied.
When the frightened child in us hears the word no, an inner message tells us we are bad. We feel loved when we are pampered, and unloved when we are disciplined or scolded. When we are criticized, our immaturity insists on the right to have our own way and argues that if we are loved, others should give us our way. Often, our manipulations allow us to win.
Both of these drives - the frightened child and the demanding King Baby - are temporarily satisfied if we create the person we believe others want us to be. However, long-term recovery is based on the scared little child regaining self-worth and learning to control the King Baby behavior.

The Problem
Recovering people usually are aware of the many threats to their sobriety. Twelve Step programs are designed to help us confront and overcome our character defects. Immaturity, a problem for many of us, is a stronghold of the King Baby in each of us. We may need to recognize this defect and overcome it if we are to continue in our recovery.
The King Baby in us tells us we're right - the others are wrong. Many of us have defended our rightness everywhere and anywhere we've felt threatened. King Babies often act as their own Higher Power, making judgment decisions for themselves and others. The King Baby in us tells us we should be able to succeed at anything we want to do. There is a feeling of being destined for greatness.